(no subject)

Jun 30, 2005 23:59

this whole summer has turned into a huge mess.
i dont think i have gone through one day without feeling upset/depressed/frustrated. its really annoying and getting old.
it makes me feel really bad about myself knowing that its someone else making me feel this way. i wish i could learn how to make myself happy and have alittle more self esteem.

i feel better about writing this knowing you wont see it.
if i told you anything im about to say it would probably be held against me and turned around to make you seem like the bad guy, when really im just expressing myself and if it makes you feel bad, i dont really care because you get a little taste of how ive been feeling for the past few months.

you send way too maying mixed signals for me to handle. if you just want to be friends please do not send me text messages saying how you had a really fun day with me. i am pretty sure you do not text message ryan saying "hey dude, thanks for the cool day". i know i mean more to you than just a friend. i dont know how you can even compare me to ryan or aaron. not that im better than them in any way, just we have been threw things you will never go through with them, emotionally and physically. I know you dont do it on purpose but you toy around with my feelings. you tell me that you miss me and miss our relationship and still have feelings for me yet you need your own space. I understand you need your own space, i just wish you wouldnt have even told me you missed me. i get my hopes up way to high. i feel like i am wasting time on something that will never happen.

I feel like my karma is so bad and this is what im getting. I feel like going to california and lying to my parents is causing my luck. I know it sounds ridiculous but i dont care. it makes sense to me. I feel as though all of my actions have consequences and consequences come in different ways, and maybe this is one of them. erik not wanting to be with me is my punishment for being such a bad person. I know this sounds weird however, this is how i think. I realize when i talk about someone, they will talk about me. eye for an eye. i know my actions will come back to me. i just wish my consequence came back in a different way. but i guess this is what i get.

all in all, im pathetic.
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