I am so close to the edge....No one is here to catch me!!!
Nancy....
I want you to know....Josiah loves you so much...we talked for almost 2 hours....He talked about how much he loves you and you seem as though you want him and how much he cares...he is confused....and worried...I am going crazy...I am trying to help you but you don't understand....I droped almost everything...When I was with you and Jon and Jon wanted me to be with him I stayed with you...unless there was a bunch of us...I don't know...When Josiah comes back and hopefully you are doing better I might talk to my mom about me taking a vaction....I know I shouldn't worry but I feel as though you you don't understand how much shit I have in my head and all I think about is you and hope you are not killing yourself as I type this...I know Coon is a nice guy and I don't want to say anything but I really do think that you want Josiah and I DO believe Josiah when he says he is not going to be like that anymore.... that he has changed....I really do think that you LOVE Josiah...So if you want the truth I think you need to give Josiah another chance....You have no idea how lonely I am....All I want is you to be better...Drinking all the time is not good....I know you like to drink....but it doesn't do any good...You drink for all the wrong reasons....It is suppose to be fun NOT depressing....Lately when I drink with you I almost feel like I shouldn't in fear of you killing yourself....I love you to death and so does Josiah....but like I told him....I think that the only person you can fix you is Josiah!!! I can't....my words mean nothing anymore....I miss Jon...I know you might take all this the wrong way....But I m depressed.....All I want right now is for Josiah to come home QUICK....I want to spend more time with Ashley!!! I want me and Jon to be happy together and I want him to not think about any other girl in the way I hope he sees me....I want to be with him forever...I know it prolly won't last that long but if it does I will be happy....
I really don't know what to say or do to help you....I really do think you need help...I am not the person who is going to be able to do this for you...Hopefully when Josiah gets back he can help....or maybe if you hear it from the both of us you'll understand....
You don't know this but I am going crazy b/c I never see Ashley...I need her....I need Jon...I need you to be the happy person you used to be....
I mean can't you see....I am not helping....I've tried so fuckin hard...But you just don't want it....atleast not from me...It's so hard for me to say this but when you drink and get upset I get even more depressed!!! I have tried so hard to help you....all I do is fail!!!
Coon is great....But I don't think he really knows what to do....He tries to understand what is going on....But he doesn't....I love Coon to death you know this but I really do think you would be better with someone who might be able to fix you.....Josiah!!! He really does love you and I know I said that being with Coon is a better thing for you, if you two don't argue....But really how can you have a relationship when half of the time you are so wasted and you don't care what happens to you or anyone else....Josiah LOVES you....You need to take advantage of that....I would do anything to have a guy love me like he loves you....You really don't relize what you have!!! Jon, Josiah and ME....I know there are others but we are the ones who have tried and stopped it and who are willing to do anything even if it kills us, even if it means we don't hang out with other people who are out having fun, even if we are just sitting there while your passed out and we are rubbing your back....
Even if it makes me so depressed to the point where I just want Josiah to get back so things can be NORMAL...So he can take care of you....So I can breathe...So I can and try and bring things back together between me and Jon.....Even if it means me and Ashley hanging out more....I really do need her back!!! You maynot understand this but I need her.... w/o her here I am so depressed as well...It feels as though she has ditched me....But I feel it is my fault.... b/c When she would ask me to do something with her I would always pass b/c I felt that if I left you by yourself that you might kill your self.....I held myself back...I even held myself back from trying to make an effort to hang-out with Ashley...you may not really know what the fuck I am talkiing about....But it just seems as though you could give a rats ass of what I think....But truthfully I have been trying so hard to get you better and it is not helping you could give a shit less of whta I have to say....
I need a break....When Josiah gets back I might just have mom get me a flight to Flordia or Cancun....or somewhere away from here....I am not healthy....I am personally going to go NUTS!!! I need to get away from everything....But I might save up some money so Jon can go with me.....I really don't need anymore drama.... I really just hope that Josiah can help....I told him I can no longer even do anything to help you.....You just don't care!!!
I guess I am just tired of being scared of losing Jon and you.....I am afraid that Jon will leave me and you will DIE!!! But I am sure you don't want to hear all this shit but I need you to know....I love you but right now I can no longer stand anything the cutting and drinking have gone way out of hand....You need to stop....I mean you don't have to stop drinking....Just stop drinking all the time....I know we have all drank before school but you do it alot....I know we've all drank after school on a weekday but you do almost all the time....Drinking isnt going to solve anything.....What has it done now?
Nothing.....
I am tried...I am so worn out b/c of everything that I might not even be able to be around everyone...Not even one person.....You stress me out.....You are like my own kid, I have to take care of you and I love you so much.....I really do not want you to DIE!!!! I really do not understand how you can't feel for anything that I say to you or of what Josiah says.....I know he has making mistakes and so have you.....But he is willing to do so much and he told me that he is coming back to see friends and be HAPPY again....But the main reason is so that he can be with you.....I really do not know what to say....PICK whoever you want....But I know Coon is super awesome....But I know you think of Josiah all the time, or atleast alot of the time!!! He is something important to you....He is someone you Love... I just can't help but think I am useless....You need him....I need him to come here and fix this mess.... I need me to be normal!!! I just need what is best for me....I believe I need to hang-out with Ashley some more and I need some alone time with Jon!!! I need you to get HELP....I need things that are going to make me a little happy!!!
I want you to know....Josiah loves you so much...we talked for almost 2 hours....He talked about how much he loves you and you seem as though you want him and how much he cares...he is confused....and worried...I am going crazy...I am trying to help you but you don't understand....I droped almost everything...When I was with you and Jon and Jon wanted me to be with him I stayed with you...unless there was a bunch of us...I don't know...When Josiah comes back and hopefully you are doing better I might talk to my mom about me taking a vaction....I know I shouldn't worry but I feel as though you you don't understand how much shit I have in my head and all I think about is you and hope you are not killing yourself as I type this...I know Coon is a nice guy and I don't want to say anything but I really do think that you want Josiah and I DO believe Josiah when he says he is not going to be like that anymore.... that he has changed....I really do think that you LOVE Josiah...So if you want the truth I think you need to give Josiah another chance....You have no idea how lonely I am....All I want is you to be better...Drinking all the time is not good....I know you like to drink....but it doesn't do any good...You drink for all the wrong reasons....It is suppose to be fun NOT depressing....Lately when I drink with you I almost feel like I shouldn't in fear of you killing yourself....I love you to death and so does Josiah....but like I told him....I think that the only person you can fix you is Josiah!!! I can't....my words mean nothing anymore....I miss Jon...I know you might take all this the wrong way....But I m depressed.....All I want right now is for Josiah to come home QUICK....I want to spend more time with Ashley!!! I want me and Jon to be happy together and I want him to not think about any other girl in the way I hope he sees me....I want to be with him forever...I know it prolly won't last that long but if it does I will be happy....
I really don't know what to say or do to help you....I really do think you need help...I am not the person who is going to be able to do this for you...Hopefully when Josiah gets back he can help....or maybe if you hear it from the both of us you'll understand....
You don't know this but I am going crazy b/c I never see Ashley...I need her....I need Jon...I need you to be the happy person you used to be....
I mean can't you see....I am not helping....I've tried so fuckin hard...But you just don't want it....atleast not from me...It's so hard for me to say this but when you drink and get upset I get even more depressed!!! I have tried so hard to help you....all I do is fail!!!
Coon is great....But I don't think he really knows what to do....He tries to understand what is going on....But he doesn't....I love Coon to death you know this but I really do think you would be better with someone who might be able to fix you.....Josiah!!! He really does love you and I know I said that being with Coon is a better thing for you, if you two don't argue....But really how can you have a relationship when half of the time you are so wasted and you don't care what happens to you or anyone else....Josiah LOVES you....You need to take advantage of that....I would do anything to have a guy love me like he loves you....You really don't relize what you have!!! Jon, Josiah and ME....I know there are others but we are the ones who have tried and stopped it and who are willing to do anything even if it kills us, even if it means we don't hang out with other people who are out having fun, even if we are just sitting there while your passed out and we are rubbing your back....
Even if it makes me so depressed to the point where I just want Josiah to get back so things can be NORMAL...So he can take care of you....So I can breathe...So I can and try and bring things back together between me and Jon.....Even if it means me and Ashley hanging out more....I really do need her back!!! You maynot understand this but I need her.... w/o her here I am so depressed as well...It feels as though she has ditched me....But I feel it is my fault.... b/c When she would ask me to do something with her I would always pass b/c I felt that if I left you by yourself that you might kill your self.....I held myself back...I even held myself back from trying to make an effort to hang-out with Ashley...you may not really know what the fuck I am talkiing about....But it just seems as though you could give a rats ass of what I think....But truthfully I have been trying so hard to get you better and it is not helping you could give a shit less of whta I have to say....
I need a break....When Josiah gets back I might just have mom get me a flight to Flordia or Cancun....or somewhere away from here....I am not healthy....I am personally going to go NUTS!!! I need to get away from everything....But I might save up some money so Jon can go with me.....I really don't need anymore drama.... I really just hope that Josiah can help....I told him I can no longer even do anything to help you.....You just don't care!!!
I guess I am just tired of being scared of losing Jon and you.....I am afraid that Jon will leave me and you will DIE!!! But I am sure you don't want to hear all this shit but I need you to know....I love you but right now I can no longer stand anything the cutting and drinking have gone way out of hand....You need to stop....I mean you don't have to stop drinking....Just stop drinking all the time....I know we have all drank before school but you do it alot....I know we've all drank after school on a weekday but you do almost all the time....Drinking isnt going to solve anything.....What has it done now?
Nothing.....
I am tried...I am so worn out b/c of everything that I might not even be able to be around everyone...Not even one person.....You stress me out.....You are like my own kid, I have to take care of you and I love you so much.....I really do not want you to DIE!!!! I really do not understand how you can't feel for anything that I say to you or of what Josiah says.....I know he has making mistakes and so have you.....But he is willing to do so much and he told me that he is coming back to see friends and be HAPPY again....But the main reason is so that he can be with you.....I really do not know what to say....PICK whoever you want....But I know Coon is super awesome....But I know you think of Josiah all the time, or atleast alot of the time!!! He is something important to you....He is someone you Love... I just can't help but think I am useless....You need him....I need him to come here and fix this mess.... I need me to be normal!!! I just need what is best for me....I believe I need to hang-out with Ashley some more and I need some alone time with Jon!!! I need you to get HELP....I need things that are going to make me a little happy!!!