le sigh
I haven't been feeling so great lately... still moody/easily upset. I wanted to see him tonight but hes sick... that sucks. Oh well. I dunno what I'm feeling right now though... things don't feel right, in any aspect. Its like... I'm just empty. I used to be so full of life. Now I just work... and if I'm lucky esh provides some sort of entertainment with other people involved... but if it wasn't for that, I suppose I'd just sit at home all day, moping. I have little reasons for these feelings... aside from the fact that I'm stupid... what does one expect to find when they look anyways... sometimes I wish I wouldn't let curiosity get the better of me, and yet, it always does. This is vague for a reason... so ignore such...but I just needa get it out. I wish I hadn't gone off so bad the other night... but maybe its my fault for the distance... maybe I do need too much attention, and maybe I do take up too much time... but still, I'd rather people be honest with me... completely honest, even if it kills. I'd rather that not happen, but its better then living a lie, pretending things are perfect. I hate pretending, I did it for the longest time, I still do. Last night was unnerving as well... I had fun going out for a bit but the conversation that night confused me. I stopped but it was brought up... ending something for something I don't do, and keeping it only because I promised to quit what I don't (or rarely) do. Was it just the action that caused the conversation, or was there another cause? Is there something deeper to all of this that I'm just not seeing? Am I blind? I could talk to the closest person in this and see, but would they know? And would they tell? I don't know. I really just don't know. This is probably just a bunch of irrational feelings... but I can't help feeling uneasy. Somethings not right, and I'm afraid to lose what I cherish so much. Hopefully I'm not as fucked as I feel. Hopefully, I'm not just there to be fucked... but, I can only hope...
Anyways, enough of my vagueness. That wasn't meant for anyone anyways, just me in particular... wondering in words. Nest saturday will be one month. I work that night which sucks sooo much ass. But, hopefully I'll see him prior to such. Hopefully we'll both wake up at reasonable times. But, thats hopeful thinking now isn't it, hehe... something I'm not to fond of. I wish these next three months can fly by, so everything can be better, at least for him. I'd do anything to help... but he kinda did this to himself... all I can do is be there I suppose... and not do anything wrong myself. I'd give up alot of things for people I care about... but hey, thats the decent side that rarely shows now isn't it. hehe oh well.
Anyways I'm done, I just ordered a new darwin fishy for my car since the bastards took it off at the place... morons. Should be here sooner or later... I'm also waiting on another purchase to hurry up and get here... but its not for me... kinda a present... I dunno how he'll like it... its just something small that reminded me of something... who knows. Whatever... I'm just addicting to spending money online, its fun. hehe, lame I know. SO yeah... I'm out, peace.
-aLeX-
and...
Anyways, enough of my vagueness. That wasn't meant for anyone anyways, just me in particular... wondering in words. Nest saturday will be one month. I work that night which sucks sooo much ass. But, hopefully I'll see him prior to such. Hopefully we'll both wake up at reasonable times. But, thats hopeful thinking now isn't it, hehe... something I'm not to fond of. I wish these next three months can fly by, so everything can be better, at least for him. I'd do anything to help... but he kinda did this to himself... all I can do is be there I suppose... and not do anything wrong myself. I'd give up alot of things for people I care about... but hey, thats the decent side that rarely shows now isn't it. hehe oh well.
Anyways I'm done, I just ordered a new darwin fishy for my car since the bastards took it off at the place... morons. Should be here sooner or later... I'm also waiting on another purchase to hurry up and get here... but its not for me... kinda a present... I dunno how he'll like it... its just something small that reminded me of something... who knows. Whatever... I'm just addicting to spending money online, its fun. hehe, lame I know. SO yeah... I'm out, peace.
-aLeX-
and...