(no subject)
I am in a constant state of wonder.
of contemplation.
if I make such and such a decision
will it lead me where I want to go?
If I were to do this
how drastically would it change my life?
yes normal people have these thoughts
but there is always so much going on in my head
I can't bring it down enough to focus.
I always wonder how different my life would be
if I picked some other decisions.
or if I were a little more stylish.
or creative.
or intuitive.
or smart.
or funny.
or pretty.
how different would my life be?
I hate that I look at pictures of people
and want certain aspects of their life
that aren't apparent in mine.
if I were a little more stylish.
if I had a more solid group of friends.
if I lived in a major city.
if I had chose differently.
I hate it when I do that.
I hold myself up to other peoples standards.
now truth be known I'm aware they don't have it all together.
but are they happier than me?
I'm satisfied.
but will I be soon?
am I really living the life I want to lead?
I don't want to be part of the social scene
but I want to be wanted by those people
to be a part of that scene.
but I don't want to live up to those standards
and the fake people
and just the bs.
really are those people more happy than I am?
or are they just more content living in a shallow world?
why don't I have the friend who wants to constantly take artistic pictures of me?
why am I not pretty enough for people to hunt me down to model?
or do I just not have the connections?
would I be happy like that?
am I going to be happy in 10 years living like this?
I'm just struggling.
I want to do well in school
but I seem to have some sort of natural aversion to it.
I'm a good student.
I want to learn.
but my brain checks out
right when I need it to work the most.
thats annoying.
I need to balance.
social and work (school)
but I'm always too heavy on one side.
I need to take care of myself
but I don't know how to do that and do everything else I need to do as well.
I come first.
but I can't quite work out the fine print surrounding that.
People have always told me
(and my mother)
that I am destined for great things.
that they can feel it when they meet me.
I want to do great things.
amazing things.
but I'm not sure that will happen.
I want to change the world.
but I don't know if I have it in me.
My standards of great things are far greater than those of others.
I wonder if the issues I have now
will cripple me to where I can't do what I want.
Discipline comes and goes.
I'm indecisive and scared.
I can be introverted.
I have a hard time being passionate anymore.
I constantly feel awkward even though I shouldn't.
I keep thinking karma will come up and kick my ass
because I've had a pretty good life thus far.
I can't figure it out.
and I need to.
existentialism.
we aren't good friends.