A Lower Dose
It's 4 am...I have to be up in 5 hours...I can't sleep....fuck. I am eating tuna on crackers and watching a documentary on wedding cakes on food network. Earlier...I was watching the nastiest show...something called dirty jobs and this episode was all about cows giving birth...yeah.....icky. I was like mesmerized by the grossness......I really crave barbecue ribs now (due to food network barbecue fantasies commercial...no relation to cows giving birth segment of blog)...and I really want to be near him. It makes me crazy knowing that he's like...200 feet away....that and the oscillation between heartfelt tendencies and smut driven desires....and it's really fucking sad....because I won't say anything anyways...I've gone so out of my way to reiterate to him every chance I get that it's just a friend/lust thing..that I can't just say the truth.....that it's enough just to sit next to him, just to watch him from across the room, just to lay my head on his shoulder or sleep in his arms....I'm too afraid to say anything....to lose what I have...so I play it cool...I say only the right things, do only the right things and never stay as long as I want to....and everything else I feel or don't feel or sometimes feel or need to feel just gets tucked away...200 feet away....he came into work sunday wearing glasses.....I can't even begin....so why do I torture myself? Why does he have to be so fucking sweet? Why does he have to look at me that way..smile at me that way...kiss me that way...touch me that way? Why am I so comfortable with someone so wrong for me? Why do I miss someone so badly that I was with less than ten hours ago? Why am I falling for someone who doesn't believe in love? Why damnit why!?!?!? Oh bloody hell times a thousand. Times infinity.
Specified space requirements *tips hat*
Touching my neck, my wrists, my breasts...all the places that bruise, all the places that ache...because it reminds me..pain, subtle and sharp becomes euphoric flashes....and oh...oh...what can I say? The boy just makes me smile.
Please God, give me a new heart...