Out driving
hmmm....I have the feeling that I might be screwing myself here. Let me explain. But first...an update: Got trashed sunday night after work...I had this table with a bitch at it that made me cry at work (aww I know...at least I did it outside with a cigarette and not in front of anyone, and when Craig came in he offered to beat them up ha ha but they'd already left) so yeah, after that, a night of drunken debauchery was deemed appropriate, nay, essential. So I headed home, got scrubbed and cuted up and then headed back to the pub. Talked to Heather and invited her to join me for "a drink". I love sunday nights, because they are less of a headache then friday and saturdays, more intimate and theres more time for Monika and the other girls to sit and chat with me. So I started off with my usual two long beaches (two is all you're allowed to have due to the five shots in each) and then moved on to what heather was drinking which was vodka and cranberry on the rocks (because they were out of OJ)...ordered a burger that I didn't eat, proceeded to get drunk while Heather, who is my ex from like 6 years ago decided to tell me she missed me, still loved me, and that I should move down to South Carolina when my lease is up and basically have her baby. Yeah. I didn't want to deal with that sunday night and I don't want to deal with it now, so I choose not to elaborate. Then Heather tried to drag me next door to the carnival but I was comfortable and I didn't want to leave my friends/be alone with her after all her honesty, so she went and I stayed at the pub. The girl I don't like, who consequently is also named Heather, decided to come sit and eat with me while she was done, and Monika, Lisa, Carol and Kelly came over whenever they had a minute....I drunkenly promised Monika I'd pull a double the following day (which I would come to regret later)...in the midst of that, Craig and I passed "notes" between eachother through the waitresses and I drunk dialed my mom, ashlie, john, abra, mike and several others. Then the two Heathers dragged me to meijers to buy the non ex heather booze for the party she was going to..then it starts getting cloudy...I remember ex Heather giving me like 24234234 tokens and a donkey she won for me at the carnival...and driving me to the door of the pub where I let her kiss me goodbye...then I went and sat up at the bar and these two guys Evan and some engaged dude I don't remember his name, came and sat with me...Evan said I was adorable and switched seats with his engaged buddy so he could be next to me...the donkey sat on the bar and we all got into a debate about what his name to be...everyone voted on Eeyore because it looks like him but I found that too generic so argued that it should be Carnie Joe...I don't remember much else....I wrote something about carnies on my to go box that I couldn't read the next morning, Flounder was hanging on me and tried to take me home, I guess I left at like 11 but don't remember leaving or driving home...someone stole my new lighter or I left it there who knows....I didn't remember paying Monika but she told me I did so that's a plus...I woke up the next morning at 5:30 in cold water in my bathtub having no recollection of how I got there. So I went to meijers, bought detergent and cinnamon toast crunch (because it had a toy car inside), did laundry, and got in an hour nap before I had to be at work to open at 10. Surprisingly I felt great, not hung over not anything until I got to work...then I had the most horrendous cramps/was sleepwalking all day....I worked from 10 am till 9:30 pm...then Taylor and I had dinner while she gossiped and talked constantly to me while I stared drowsily into space. I went home then, excited to go to sleep for like 18 hours...but after getting home and relaxing for a minute..decided I didn't feel like sleeping alone so I called Craig and woke him up but he didn't mind, we decided to drink a bit and watch movies, so I took a shower then got a fifth of smirnoff and a vat of orange juice and headed over there. I had a great time with him, which isn't surprising since I always have a great time with him. He's one of the few guys that I was ever into that I felt I could totally be myself with...there's no pretenses between us..we're just real with eachother which I dig. So we drank a little and talked a lot and had a lot of really nice snuggle/sexual tension on the couch. We watched Silent Hill and any time a scary part came on he'd pull me closer against him and I'd grab his hand or his leg, or like if he was getting up to fix me and him more drinks or go to the bathroom he'd be like "need to me to come back and sit next to you?" if it was getting creepy. I remember my hair kept falling in my face and he would gently put it back behind my ear, or he'd hold my hand and gently stroke it, and I would gently touch his face a lot...it was all really romantic/sensual....very peachy/sexual but not in a smutty way at all. After the movie we talked about writing and he read/sang songs to me that he's written. We talked about our exes and books and movies and like everything under the sun....this eventually led to kissing/touching and at about 5:30 we moved into the bedroom. All I can say about that is holy shit....we did things that I have NEVER done..never even thought about doing...he wore me out, honestly.....noone has EVER done that. I'm getting all grinnish just thinking about it. I love it because we just mesh so well...I never feel self conscious when I'm with him and there's this like desperate need about it but at the same time we hit this great balance between sensuality and smut, fast and slow, hard and soft, gentle and rough...and yeah..there's definite throw down here. So yeah..after about 4 hours of that, we took a break and he held me and I layed my head on his shoulder and traced my fingers over his chest and we fell asleep for about half an hour, then stupid Heather called and woke me up. So I woke him up (he never gets grumpy and was immediately ready to continue kissing and playing and snuggling which I love) so we did that for like an hour and then layed lazily for like 20 minutes talking about pancakes and pretty things and then I decided to head home and go to bed for real. I was supposed to go to my mom's for dinner but I felt like crap (stupid cramps had returned) and I was so tired so we changed it to thursday and I fell into a deep sleep filled with sweet dreams. Got up at like 5:30 and talked to Abra for a bit and then was trying to decide what I felt like eating when Craig called. We talked for a bit then I went over there. He used my phone to call his dad (because he didn't want him having his phone number....I know how that goes) and we sat outside in the beautiful weather, talking and joking and basically acting like kids. We flew his daughter's pink Dora kite in the parking lot and I LOVED it...we had so much fun. Then we went upstairs for a bit because I was thirsty and we sat on his porch for awhile and watched the fountains and the ducks and the kids playing, I made a few phonecalls and then we hugged and I left to eat/get things done. Watched food network for awhile...Alton Brown is my food network bf, and I adore the ace of cakes gang..how fun would it be to work there.....I had subway and a lovely warmish nap. I just feel great right now....completely relieved of all stress/tension...and I can't really describe it..I'm just so fucking..happy. And I'm never happy....I don't know....I get elated or excited or exhilarated or enthralled but I'm never just home grown, regularishly, stylistically happy. And it's really fucking nice. So yeah, I just took a bubble bath and am eating southwestern style soup with extra corn added and doing laundry and this...oh but yeah...I was going to talk about how I'm worried about screwing myself. Well it's the Craig thing. He was married before, has been divorced for two years..and has only been with one chick since then...he is convinced that he will never love anyone again due to his ex wife's bitchy/cheating ways. The other night when we were discussing our mutual crush thing he made a comment saying "Just don't fall in love with me"...and I'm worried that I will. I can already see it happening...and that scares me. We just fit so well together, we have raport and throw down and honesty and we just listen to and get eachother so fucking well. Our sexual chemistry is dead on, and just being near him makes me happier/more relaxed than I can ever remember being. And I know if we keep this up I will fall for him...I'm already starting to feel things for him....and yeah, I know that if it's meant to be...if he starts falling for me than maybe he'll let himself...I'm just worried about his lack of belief in love, his fears/apprehensions/attitude towards it. I don't know...maybe he's just never been loved/treated right...maybe that will change. I guess for the time being I'm just going to go with the flow/see what happens....I just hope I'm not digging myself a hole here....I know it'd probably be smarter/easier to just walk away before I let myself get in any deeper...but I can't. I'm so attracted to him...not just his body or his mouth but his words and his thoughts....I love spending time with him...hell I just love being in the same room with him....even if we just end up being good friends I will get such a kick out of that...I don't know what it is about him...I truly don't...just something in him that I see...makes sense to me....and he's so wrong for me. First off, 36 is older than I would have picked and he has two kids *I love and want kids but I've always been iffy about being with people who already have them*, has a divorce behind him, drives a motorcycle, is tattooed and wild, has family issues, money problems, and is a definite bad boy. But we just get eachother...he lets me in and I know he doesn't do that with anybody...despite his roughness and wild demeanor...he is courteous and honest and sweet, so sweet. And the way he looks at and touches me....God.....it makes me blush just thinking about it....I don't even know why I'm worried about it...I'm already in too deep and I know I won't walk away from it....at least not yet. Well I'm going to get off here and go lay down and think about...things....I hope everyone is well.