B| B| and more B|
So in what's possibly the last character announcement until DLC starts hitting, MvC3 declared two more characters.
...
GET OUT.
WTF. SENTINEL? SENTINEL? WHO THE FRAK LIKES SENTINEL. And don't we have enough X-Men characters? I mean, I'm an X-Men whore, but that series outweighs every other one in character count so far. :\ Spidey could totes use a canonmate.
DUDE EDDIE BROCK WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH EFFING BETTER. OR MAC GARGAN. Or Nick Fury or Gambit or even Norman bloody Osborn. They'd BETTER be DLC--Venom, at least--or I'm calling even more BS. IDK anything about Darkstalkers, so I can't say anything about the chick, but Sentinel just feels like such a filler character. B|
Disappoint, Capcom. Disappoint. B|
ANYway, we watched Afterlife last night, and as predicted, it was a delightfully horrible train wreck.
First off, God Almighty this movie is predictable. When Her Majesty showed up and started beheading all these Umbrella guys (lmao SO FREAKING CHEESY LOOKING, AUGH. And come on. Bringing katanas and shuriken to a gunfight? SOMEONE'S TRYING TOO HARD TO MAKE HIS WIFEY LOOK COOL.) and then wiped them all out, I told my sisters, "Watch, Alice will get killed all of a sudden to make us go OH GOD NO ALICE! and then she'll turn out to be a clone and they'll get jumped by several more."
...Aaaaaand guess what happened.
But this predictability trend seriously went on FOR THE WHOLE. MOVIE. How many times can we have "ALICE HEARS SOMETHING. SHE DRAWS HER GUN AND APPROACHES THE SOURCE--OH WAIT it's something benign lol OH SHIT BEHIND YOU RUN DX"? Agh. But anyway, I'll go through the movie step by slow-mo step.
Dude. Wesker. Barking out orders all "I WANT EVERYTHING SEALED KILL OUR MEN LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING HAPPENS REPEAT TELL ME EVERYTHING." ...No. B| Just, no. And why the frik did all the Alices need to go MARTYR and run inside when that one Wesker killed had a couple grenades capable of taking out several floors? JUST DROP THEM IN FROM THE ROOF INSTEAD OF DIVING IN LIKE YOU BADASS OR SMTH.
I DID thoroughly enjoy Wesker beating Alice around in the plane, though. That was delightful. B3 But I'll take this opportunity to go ahead and rant on Wesker himself--HIS FACE. It's like he's constantly trying to smirk, but it comes off as a retarded blend of B] and :\ because half of his mouth is smirking and then it's NOT when he talks and then it does it again when he stops and WHAT IS THAT. Also, his... "accent." What. I guess they were going for that drawl of his, but it came off as a half-hearted British accent. What.
But ANYWAY. Good work on forgetting the plane was, IDK, FLYING, moron. And Alice walks away from the Flaming Crash of Death, but A) she doesn't check for Wesker's body? Dumbass. And B) Wesker later says that the T-Virus "brought him back." .......Okay, so. HUMAN!Alice survives, but Wesker dies? B| Not even commenting there.
Blah blah blah Alice leaves angsty video feeds and SHE CAN'T DO THIS MUCH LONGER WAH
Okay Claire. Claire shows up filthy and wild and attacks the heck out of Alice and looks like she's gonna win and then OH WAIT ALICE KICKS HER INTO A PLANE WING AND IT KNOCKS HER OUT!!one!1
WHAT. IS THAT. SHE DIDN'T EVEN HIT HER HEAD. And then Claire later wakes up and Alice, genius that she is, immediately deduces memory loss. Skip to their plane ride, and suddenly Claire's recently greasy, wild, and utterly icky hair is suddenly perfect and fluffy and ready for a model shoot, and she's all pretty in her makeup. [EYEROLL] But THEN Alice gives her video feed her THOUGHTS on the odd device that Claire had on her chest:
"It was injecting her with some kind of drug... It seems to cause memory loss."
...
Okay.
Canon review on the P-30 virus.
-It endows the host with super strength and speed.
-It allows the host to be entirely manipulated by the one who injected her.
-The host is ENTIRELY. CONSCIOUS. OF EVERYTHING HAPPENING.
So congrats, movie, you took THAT virus and said that all it does is brainwash you. ...Wooooow. Therefore contradicting every single thing about it.
Anyway, yeah yeah, Alice finds survivors, they land, blah blah blah, obviously evil sleazy movie producer man who is totally going to BETRAY you all. Then Tall Muscular Black Dude introduces Alice to Chris Scofield, who they've kept locked up in a maximum security cell box because they found him there and assumed he was a prisoner. Even when Chris says he knows a way out of the place, they ignore him because he could just BE TOO DANGEROUS.
Ooooookay.
Before Alice and Claire arrive, there are still five of you. You're all armed. PUT THE DUDE AT GUNPOINT AND ASK HIM TO LEAD YOU OUT, AND IF HE DOES ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS, SHOOT HIM. Wtfffffffffffffff. Although, really, Chris was such a freaking creeper that I might have voted for keeping him in the box, too. 8|
And then the place gets broken into by PLAGA!ZOMBIES which... WHAT. Plagas can't reside in DEAD HOSTS, morons and all hell breaks loose and horny old man gets his face eaten blah blah blah. I noticed at this time that when Alice pulled out a new gun, she was holding it wrong. It was a six-round revolver, and yet she had her hands and arms positioned as though it were a freaking 9mm. THERE IS A LITTLE THING CALLED RECOIL, ALICE. And when she DID fire it a few scenes later, it fired exactly like a handgun.
SO. Resident Evil is, canonly, about science and guns. You spent the first three movies effing up the former, and now you have effectively proven that you don't know jack about the latter. Congratulations.
A few more key points in this scene:
-The Executioner? Fail. He was too small, and his axe was so obviously a plastic prop that looked nothing like the game one.
-Alice shooting coins out of her shotgun I don't even WTF TAKE IT AWAY
-Siiiiince when did Claire have ninja moves?
-When Alice tied the cable to her waist and the other end to a pipe and then jumped off the building before blowing it up--DUDE. YOU JUST BLEW UP THE PIPE YOU'RE TIED TO, RITE? YOU SHOULD BE PLUMMETING THIRTY STORIES TO YOUR DEATH.
-Not even gonna go into the lack of logic in Sleazy Producer shooting Mechanic Guy.
So they finally free Chris, he has a teary moment with Claire before forgetting her entirely, more people die and no one cares, and then they get underground and out and LET'S GO TO THE SHIP GUYS so they do and it's abandoned and LET'S INVESTIGATE OH GOD IT'S UMBRELLA'S SHIP WHYYYYYYYYYYY and now Claire has her memory back: as soon as the survivors landed on the beach (which shouldn't exist since the world's water supply has dried up) a bunch of masked men came up and slapped P-30 suppliers on their chests.
[SIGH]
A) You don't just SMACK one on people. It has a wiring system in it that's threaded through the body--at key points, I'm sure, and not at random.
B) Wth, Umbrella. You just JUMP these people right there--shouldn't you at least round them up before obviously showing that you're the bad guys? That's how Claire got away. B|
C) ......WHY do they want to brainwash these people? 8\
Anyway, down in the ship lab, Alice and Claire and Chris realize OH NOES all the survivors are being kept here for experimentation!!11 ...How Alice determined that so quickly, I'll never know. Then OH MY GOD Alice meets Wesker and THERE'S SLEAZY PRODUCER AGAIN, now workin' for Wesker and obviously infected. Wesker informs Alice that he will EAT HER FOR HER DNA and oh, OH this exchange was priceless:
Alice: "That's... really clever. But there's just one little problem with that plan."
Wesker: "And what's that?"
Alice: "..............I'm not on the menu." *KICKS SCALPELS AT*
...
.......
N-Not on the menu.
Oh, God.
Even LEON would shake his head at that.
And it turns out that Wesker's used his spare time to train Plaga!Cerberus (also impossible) neat commands like "stop" and "sit." And Chris and Claire show up behind Wesker (...which... is impossible, because Alice's back is to the door she came through, so... HOW they got around is...) and OH GUESS WHAT
Wesker: "Wellisn'tthis one big family reunion. Chris and Claire Redfield... you've really become quite an inconvenience for me."
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE FREAK CHRIS AND CLAIRE ARE. So you DEFINITELY shouldn't know that A) they're family, and B) they were just reunited. FAIL.
And thus Wesker totally rapes one of the best scenes in RE5 as he stupidly owns the crap out of them while Alice just stands there and watches. He throws the siblings into magically convenient tubes before finally taking on Alice, who stabs him in the head--he doesn't die--and blows his brains out--he doesn't die--before being shot by Chris and Claire after Alice frees them and leaves. Wesker still doesn't die and escapes via a plane, his clothes suddenly all clean again despite all the times he was shot. He sets the place to blow, AND DUDE MY SISTERS AND I WERE ROLLING. The scene where he takes out his little PDA thing and enters the code and then smirks--IT WAS THE EXACT. SAME. AS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. The only difference being that he wasn't injured.
And yes, then the lame thing of ALICE PUT BOMBS ON YO PLANE and he blows himself up, supposedly.
AGAIN.
A) Wesker has been "fatally wounded" and/or killed four times in this movie. He survived.
B) WESKER IS NOT that gullible augh IDEK. I quit.
And then they FREE all the survivors and YAY and then OH GOD HERE COMES THE UMBRELLA BATTALION!
Credits.
OH BUT WAIT. We need ONE MORE THING:
Jill. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Jill, you poor woman. I thought they raped you bad enough in film #2 by making your personality the polar opposite of what it is and rendering you completely incompetent. But no. Nuuuuuuuu. She's on a plane, giving the Umbrella troops orders to kill all the survivors. As she walked and talks, she has her hands on her hips and OH THIS IS THE GREATEST DISPLAY OF ACTING IN THIS MOVIE EVAR I SWEAR. I had nothing against this woman's acting in Apocalypse, but God, her facial expressions were just SO exaggerated and her acting was AWFUL but that aside:
1) Jill had a personality here. It was a Cold-Hearted Bitch of a Head Officer personality--you know what I mean. I'm sure there's a trope for it. Two problems with this:
1A) When Claire was "P-30'd," she became a wild animal, basically. And yet Jill's entirely human-acting.
1B) Going by, IDK, CANON, this is so, so wrong. P-30 makes you a puppet. An utterly personality-less robot. She. Has. No. Emotion. The virus has no emotion. She takes orders and obeys. There was way, WAY too much smartass and attempted badass in her attitude here. No. She should be monotone and expressionless. Not struttin' her stuff like she's something.
2) W-What is that battlesuit. First off, it's purple. Second, the gloves are wrong, the material looks cheap as hell, it's not as tight as it should be, and it doesn't look like a one-piece. Why does she even HAVE this suit? It's not like Wesker P-30'd her and went "OH! An exceptionally talented soldier! I'll make her my right hand!" considering she SUCKS at fighting according to Apocalypse. And why does the front of her suit need to be open, considering the P-30 device can go over clothes?
3) Ash pointed out that her boobs looked fake. Which, lmao, they totally did.
SO... very fail. I agree with offensive in that the film DID have some pretty shots, but I can't stand looking at Milla's manly face for that long, so appreciation for filming ability escaped my attention after a while. OVERALL, I think I can sum it up with this:
Very glad I got to watch that for free. Those who paid to see it have my sympathies. But we were seriously just dying laughing at some points, so, you know. We got some amusement out of it.
...
GET OUT.
WTF. SENTINEL? SENTINEL? WHO THE FRAK LIKES SENTINEL. And don't we have enough X-Men characters? I mean, I'm an X-Men whore, but that series outweighs every other one in character count so far. :\ Spidey could totes use a canonmate.
DUDE EDDIE BROCK WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH EFFING BETTER. OR MAC GARGAN. Or Nick Fury or Gambit or even Norman bloody Osborn. They'd BETTER be DLC--Venom, at least--or I'm calling even more BS. IDK anything about Darkstalkers, so I can't say anything about the chick, but Sentinel just feels like such a filler character. B|
Disappoint, Capcom. Disappoint. B|
ANYway, we watched Afterlife last night, and as predicted, it was a delightfully horrible train wreck.
First off, God Almighty this movie is predictable. When Her Majesty showed up and started beheading all these Umbrella guys (lmao SO FREAKING CHEESY LOOKING, AUGH. And come on. Bringing katanas and shuriken to a gunfight? SOMEONE'S TRYING TOO HARD TO MAKE HIS WIFEY LOOK COOL.) and then wiped them all out, I told my sisters, "Watch, Alice will get killed all of a sudden to make us go OH GOD NO ALICE! and then she'll turn out to be a clone and they'll get jumped by several more."
...Aaaaaand guess what happened.
But this predictability trend seriously went on FOR THE WHOLE. MOVIE. How many times can we have "ALICE HEARS SOMETHING. SHE DRAWS HER GUN AND APPROACHES THE SOURCE--OH WAIT it's something benign lol OH SHIT BEHIND YOU RUN DX"? Agh. But anyway, I'll go through the movie step by slow-mo step.
Dude. Wesker. Barking out orders all "I WANT EVERYTHING SEALED KILL OUR MEN LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING HAPPENS REPEAT TELL ME EVERYTHING." ...No. B| Just, no. And why the frik did all the Alices need to go MARTYR and run inside when that one Wesker killed had a couple grenades capable of taking out several floors? JUST DROP THEM IN FROM THE ROOF INSTEAD OF DIVING IN LIKE YOU BADASS OR SMTH.
I DID thoroughly enjoy Wesker beating Alice around in the plane, though. That was delightful. B3 But I'll take this opportunity to go ahead and rant on Wesker himself--HIS FACE. It's like he's constantly trying to smirk, but it comes off as a retarded blend of B] and :\ because half of his mouth is smirking and then it's NOT when he talks and then it does it again when he stops and WHAT IS THAT. Also, his... "accent." What. I guess they were going for that drawl of his, but it came off as a half-hearted British accent. What.
But ANYWAY. Good work on forgetting the plane was, IDK, FLYING, moron. And Alice walks away from the Flaming Crash of Death, but A) she doesn't check for Wesker's body? Dumbass. And B) Wesker later says that the T-Virus "brought him back." .......Okay, so. HUMAN!Alice survives, but Wesker dies? B| Not even commenting there.
Blah blah blah Alice leaves angsty video feeds and SHE CAN'T DO THIS MUCH LONGER WAH
Okay Claire. Claire shows up filthy and wild and attacks the heck out of Alice and looks like she's gonna win and then OH WAIT ALICE KICKS HER INTO A PLANE WING AND IT KNOCKS HER OUT!!one!1
WHAT. IS THAT. SHE DIDN'T EVEN HIT HER HEAD. And then Claire later wakes up and Alice, genius that she is, immediately deduces memory loss. Skip to their plane ride, and suddenly Claire's recently greasy, wild, and utterly icky hair is suddenly perfect and fluffy and ready for a model shoot, and she's all pretty in her makeup. [EYEROLL] But THEN Alice gives her video feed her THOUGHTS on the odd device that Claire had on her chest:
"It was injecting her with some kind of drug... It seems to cause memory loss."
...
Okay.
Canon review on the P-30 virus.
-It endows the host with super strength and speed.
-It allows the host to be entirely manipulated by the one who injected her.
-The host is ENTIRELY. CONSCIOUS. OF EVERYTHING HAPPENING.
So congrats, movie, you took THAT virus and said that all it does is brainwash you. ...Wooooow. Therefore contradicting every single thing about it.
Anyway, yeah yeah, Alice finds survivors, they land, blah blah blah, obviously evil sleazy movie producer man who is totally going to BETRAY you all. Then Tall Muscular Black Dude introduces Alice to Chris Scofield, who they've kept locked up in a maximum security cell box because they found him there and assumed he was a prisoner. Even when Chris says he knows a way out of the place, they ignore him because he could just BE TOO DANGEROUS.
Ooooookay.
Before Alice and Claire arrive, there are still five of you. You're all armed. PUT THE DUDE AT GUNPOINT AND ASK HIM TO LEAD YOU OUT, AND IF HE DOES ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS, SHOOT HIM. Wtfffffffffffffff. Although, really, Chris was such a freaking creeper that I might have voted for keeping him in the box, too. 8|
And then the place gets broken into by PLAGA!ZOMBIES which... WHAT. Plagas can't reside in DEAD HOSTS, morons and all hell breaks loose and horny old man gets his face eaten blah blah blah. I noticed at this time that when Alice pulled out a new gun, she was holding it wrong. It was a six-round revolver, and yet she had her hands and arms positioned as though it were a freaking 9mm. THERE IS A LITTLE THING CALLED RECOIL, ALICE. And when she DID fire it a few scenes later, it fired exactly like a handgun.
SO. Resident Evil is, canonly, about science and guns. You spent the first three movies effing up the former, and now you have effectively proven that you don't know jack about the latter. Congratulations.
A few more key points in this scene:
-The Executioner? Fail. He was too small, and his axe was so obviously a plastic prop that looked nothing like the game one.
-Alice shooting coins out of her shotgun I don't even WTF TAKE IT AWAY
-Siiiiince when did Claire have ninja moves?
-When Alice tied the cable to her waist and the other end to a pipe and then jumped off the building before blowing it up--DUDE. YOU JUST BLEW UP THE PIPE YOU'RE TIED TO, RITE? YOU SHOULD BE PLUMMETING THIRTY STORIES TO YOUR DEATH.
-Not even gonna go into the lack of logic in Sleazy Producer shooting Mechanic Guy.
So they finally free Chris, he has a teary moment with Claire before forgetting her entirely, more people die and no one cares, and then they get underground and out and LET'S GO TO THE SHIP GUYS so they do and it's abandoned and LET'S INVESTIGATE OH GOD IT'S UMBRELLA'S SHIP WHYYYYYYYYYYY and now Claire has her memory back: as soon as the survivors landed on the beach (which shouldn't exist since the world's water supply has dried up) a bunch of masked men came up and slapped P-30 suppliers on their chests.
[SIGH]
A) You don't just SMACK one on people. It has a wiring system in it that's threaded through the body--at key points, I'm sure, and not at random.
B) Wth, Umbrella. You just JUMP these people right there--shouldn't you at least round them up before obviously showing that you're the bad guys? That's how Claire got away. B|
C) ......WHY do they want to brainwash these people? 8\
Anyway, down in the ship lab, Alice and Claire and Chris realize OH NOES all the survivors are being kept here for experimentation!!11 ...How Alice determined that so quickly, I'll never know. Then OH MY GOD Alice meets Wesker and THERE'S SLEAZY PRODUCER AGAIN, now workin' for Wesker and obviously infected. Wesker informs Alice that he will EAT HER FOR HER DNA and oh, OH this exchange was priceless:
Alice: "That's... really clever. But there's just one little problem with that plan."
Wesker: "And what's that?"
Alice: "..............I'm not on the menu." *KICKS SCALPELS AT*
...
.......
N-Not on the menu.
Oh, God.
Even LEON would shake his head at that.
And it turns out that Wesker's used his spare time to train Plaga!Cerberus (also impossible) neat commands like "stop" and "sit." And Chris and Claire show up behind Wesker (...which... is impossible, because Alice's back is to the door she came through, so... HOW they got around is...) and OH GUESS WHAT
Wesker: "Wellisn'tthis one big family reunion. Chris and Claire Redfield... you've really become quite an inconvenience for me."
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE FREAK CHRIS AND CLAIRE ARE. So you DEFINITELY shouldn't know that A) they're family, and B) they were just reunited. FAIL.
And thus Wesker totally rapes one of the best scenes in RE5 as he stupidly owns the crap out of them while Alice just stands there and watches. He throws the siblings into magically convenient tubes before finally taking on Alice, who stabs him in the head--he doesn't die--and blows his brains out--he doesn't die--before being shot by Chris and Claire after Alice frees them and leaves. Wesker still doesn't die and escapes via a plane, his clothes suddenly all clean again despite all the times he was shot. He sets the place to blow, AND DUDE MY SISTERS AND I WERE ROLLING. The scene where he takes out his little PDA thing and enters the code and then smirks--IT WAS THE EXACT. SAME. AS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. The only difference being that he wasn't injured.
And yes, then the lame thing of ALICE PUT BOMBS ON YO PLANE and he blows himself up, supposedly.
AGAIN.
A) Wesker has been "fatally wounded" and/or killed four times in this movie. He survived.
B) WESKER IS NOT that gullible augh IDEK. I quit.
And then they FREE all the survivors and YAY and then OH GOD HERE COMES THE UMBRELLA BATTALION!
Credits.
OH BUT WAIT. We need ONE MORE THING:
Jill. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Jill, you poor woman. I thought they raped you bad enough in film #2 by making your personality the polar opposite of what it is and rendering you completely incompetent. But no. Nuuuuuuuu. She's on a plane, giving the Umbrella troops orders to kill all the survivors. As she walked and talks, she has her hands on her hips and OH THIS IS THE GREATEST DISPLAY OF ACTING IN THIS MOVIE EVAR I SWEAR. I had nothing against this woman's acting in Apocalypse, but God, her facial expressions were just SO exaggerated and her acting was AWFUL but that aside:
1) Jill had a personality here. It was a Cold-Hearted Bitch of a Head Officer personality--you know what I mean. I'm sure there's a trope for it. Two problems with this:
1A) When Claire was "P-30'd," she became a wild animal, basically. And yet Jill's entirely human-acting.
1B) Going by, IDK, CANON, this is so, so wrong. P-30 makes you a puppet. An utterly personality-less robot. She. Has. No. Emotion. The virus has no emotion. She takes orders and obeys. There was way, WAY too much smartass and attempted badass in her attitude here. No. She should be monotone and expressionless. Not struttin' her stuff like she's something.
2) W-What is that battlesuit. First off, it's purple. Second, the gloves are wrong, the material looks cheap as hell, it's not as tight as it should be, and it doesn't look like a one-piece. Why does she even HAVE this suit? It's not like Wesker P-30'd her and went "OH! An exceptionally talented soldier! I'll make her my right hand!" considering she SUCKS at fighting according to Apocalypse. And why does the front of her suit need to be open, considering the P-30 device can go over clothes?
3) Ash pointed out that her boobs looked fake. Which, lmao, they totally did.
SO... very fail. I agree with offensive in that the film DID have some pretty shots, but I can't stand looking at Milla's manly face for that long, so appreciation for filming ability escaped my attention after a while. OVERALL, I think I can sum it up with this:
Very glad I got to watch that for free. Those who paid to see it have my sympathies. But we were seriously just dying laughing at some points, so, you know. We got some amusement out of it.