(no subject)
Finals make me want to puke my brains out. I don't really mind doing projects and homework and stuff. I mean, of course I procrastinate and i dont LIKE it...but finals...studying...i dont know, i just cant seem to focus because i cant really see the big picture. I dont really want to be in college, and knowing that im taking next semester off isnt really helping my motivation. I hate the thought of being a waitress or something for the rest of my life, but then im like...hey, some of the people i know that didnt go to college and dont have the best jobs or the best money..are some of the happiest people i know. but then im like...wait, i am not one of those people. I like money. I want a lot of money, I cant even lie. Like, I wanna be rich. I know that's shallow, but whatevs. I want to buy expensive clothes, and have a nice house. I kind of want to be a lawyer. I know of a lot of women lawyers, and theyre all really cool. And a lot of them are totally independent, which I can really relate to. Its kind of depressing, but I can't honestly say that I see myself getting married...ever. Most girls just know that some day they will be married and have kids and stuff, but I just don't see that for myself. I dont think I really want that. But of course, the idea of being alone and living alone and dying alone is not very comforting.
I'm pretty much questioning just about every aspect of my life right now. My lifestyle, my friends, my choices, my interests, my beliefs...I just don't know. I felt like I was so sure of myself not too long ago. And I feel really bad about myself. I can't really look at myself, inside or out, and pick anything that I really really like. And I feel like I'm running out of time, like there's so much I have to do, but I'm only 18. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm going to die early...I sound so morbid in this post but I swear I'm not being morbid, none of this makes me sad...it's just this feeling, like maybe deep down, I know I don't have long left in my life and I am wasting time.
Ending on a happy subject, I think I'm getting 2 new pugs! Maybe when I move back out, my mom will let me take one!