The Miseducation of Celibate Sally
As I enter my fourth week of being sick for no apparent reason, it is becoming harder for me to keep myself entertained. As I start this entry I have named it The Miseducation of Celibate Sally. Ironically enough as my Pandora loads my Kelly Clarkson Radio, my fall back station when I just need some kind of background music, the first song to play is "Can't Keep My Eyes Off of You" By Lauryn Hill. So I feel that the title was meant to be. The Celibate Sally part...well I hope to get to that later.
The motivation for this entry is at the surface a simple question; am I willing to give up sex for brownies?
Hard to imagine such an unassuming box could be the source of so much inner conflict. And at the root of it all it really has nothing to do with the delish confection. It has more to to with the state of relationships in this the year 2009. But the brownies are the catalyst at the moment, so I'm rolling with it.
Just so you're all not salivating with suspense, you should know that I have decided to go ahead with the brownie making process. But while I'm making the brownies, I will vent my current frustrations and concerns with the way the men and women around me seem to be treating each other and themselves. But to keep true to the process and goal that I have set for myself in this entry, I should probably start the baking process.
3 minutes later...
All of the ingredients are in the bowl but I have not yet mixed them together. Pandora has yet again supplied me with another fabulous starter for the conversation I'm trying to build. The song "Why Does She Stay" by Ne-Yo just came on. Normally I skip this song for a variety of reasons; I'm not in the mood, I want to hear something from a female artist, or I just don't like the song. But I know that last excuse isn't true. For those of you who aren't Pandora users, it offers a thumbs up or down rating feature that allows you a marginal amount of control over the music you are listening to. If I truly didn't like the song, all it would take to make sure I never heard it again would be a simple click. But for the past 4 months and counting I have refused to give the song any kind of rating, good or bad. As I was cracking the eggs for my batter I realized my problem with this song; it comes a little too close to home for my liking.
A little brownie making...
Batter
The journey to awesome brownie-ness begins...And now that I have about 32 minutes and 41,40,39 seconds to kill before they're even pretend done and the bowl and I have sufficiently met our manifest destiny (aka a tummy ache for me) I will stop procrastinating and forge on with my mission. The root of my problem and the initial reason for this discussion is this man here:
And here...
Tom Demauro. The roller coaster ride that has spent time as the background and foreground of my life for the past 4 years (yeah, it's that real). The ups and downs I've been on with him have been good and bad, uplifting and soul crushing. He is the emotionally draining Big to my desperately trying to understand Carrie. We've had all the highs and lows of a relationship without actually being in one including a nasty faux break up which lead to my rebound style loss of virginity. To pretend that he's not a large part of my life for better or worse would be naive to say the least.
Well in 20 days my own personal emotional wrecking ball is coming back to town for a 10 day reprieve from Iraq. I've played this game before and got burned so I'm not holding my breath for a miracle but I can earnestly say that I feel something has changed. Every girl wants to be the exception and not the rule. I've spent a long time being the rule and I feel like the time has finally come for me to be the exception.
Which brings me back to Ne-Yo. The premise of the song 'Why does she stay' is simple; he's an asshole and can't understand why someone as amazing as she is is putting up with his shit. The chorus begins with She’s so much better than me/I'm so unworthy of her and then goes into Why does she stay?/ Why does she stay?/Why? To me it seems that I've spent the past four years in this part of the song. He knows he's wrong and I know he knows because he's told me so. And I know I deserve better because I have amazing friends like soulbare and
burning_wreck who make it a point to tell me so. Ne-Yo answers his own question at the bridge: She's in love, she's in love, she's in love. I've never been one to drop the L-bomb lightly and I won't do so now, but I think it's fair to say that I've stuck around this long for a little more than a crush. And I stick around for the same reason Ne-Yo's girl seemingly stuck with him, for the same reason Carrie lets Big in so many times, for the same reason so many women wind up with broken hearts. I want to be the one. The one to change him, the one to make him a better man, the one to finally be an exception and not a rule. At the end of the song, he realizes the error of his ways in a manner that is only possible in a 4 minute time span and makes a promise to be a better man. Unfortunately I have a problem believing that Ne-Yo or anyone really is a reformed sinner. I'm not sure that there isn't another shoe in the wings waiting to crash to the ground and ruin the careful existence I have etched out for myself. But the small optimistic side of me wants to believe, wants to hold on to any shred of hope there is. I want to believe.
And that's why I have a love hate relationship with that song.
But back to brownies. With Tom coming home in 20 days and my glass looking slightly fuller than normal I have hatched a plan that I affectionately call 'Hydration 2009' in which I seduce the dear sweet Marine back to my web of lavender and pumpkin pie. As apart of this plan, I have been watching what I do and don't eat as to be at my most stunning when the time comes to put my plan to action. When I found myself craving brownies at 9pm tonight I found myself trying to choose between potential sex and right now confections. My willpower and my Id were at odds and in the end the brownies were made for several reasons that have lead me to this discussion.
Firstly, no woman should have to change herself for any man. And any man that tries to make you change fundamental personality traits doesn't want to be with you. Self improvement needs to be on your own terms to work so if you want to have a brownie, go for the brownie. I'm not saying face plant into the pan, but don't feel like a total failure for a little indulgence.
Second, when have you seen a man bending over backwards to try and please a woman (in any sense of the word)? Women are (on average) the ones who try harder and they're the ones who often hurt the most. This past summer I have worked with the most interesting group of young adults who have taught me a few things about men, women and how relationships work. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but when I think of a relationship between two people my thoughts end there; between the two people. Yet this summer I have seen more rationalization for infidelity than I would care to see in my lifetime. I've seen 'men' who said that their girlfriend is 'mean' and that's why they step out on her. I've seen women fight each other over someone who is taken and lose the respect from their peers with every passing moment. I have a problem understanding why it is that women will fight over a man but you rarely see men fight over a woman outside of a movie theater. The song Cater 2 U by Destiny's Child came on about a quarter of the way through my efforts here and I had to pause it. This song promotes women catering to the every whim of a man and while I could go on a rant about the implications of this ideal to the African American community (Thanks Paula) I'm going to keep my discussion broad at the time. If men are aware (and like Skynet, they became aware a long time ago) of the fact that a significant percentage of women are willing to bend over backwards for them they have no reason to work for anything. Which unfortunately leaves the rest of us in the dust. If I'm not willing to turn the other cheek to your indiscretions, or tolerate you calling me 'baby' or 'sweetie' because you can't remember my name, if I am not willing to play second fiddle to you trying to act like a player to your boys or to let you strip me of my self respect and pride as fast as you strip another woman of her clothes I end up alone.
We live in a time where essentially men don't have to try. There are enough women out there giving it away for free that it makes it less than desirable for them to have to work. I'm great. I have wonderful, fantastic, gorgeous friends with brilliant thoughts, beautiful minds and freak nasty tendencies. I also have a lot of single friends and as you may have guessed by now the two categories are not exclusive. My friends will make great lovers and friends to the man who is willing to put in the time to be with them. They are incredibly complex creatures of this world and they all have their share of battle scars. They have the biggest hearts of anyone that I have had the fortune of encountering and would be more willing to love harder and deeper than anyone else you'll ever meet. They are truly remarkable. Yet they are single, looking for someone to fill that spot in their life. A place that no matter how many fabulous friends you may have can simply not be filled by anyone except that special someone. The old saying is true, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? No one wants to be alone, but no one should have to be free milk either. So instead, go get a glass of milk (actual not theoretical) and Eat.That.Brownie.
Celibate Sally is a friend of a friend. She comes from a small island of Nosex and is currently living as an illegal alien in my friends home. I won't front, I don't like her. I think she's a dirty ho. She came with a set of fake Louis Vutton luggage real looking on the outside but underneath she's nothing but a dollar store counterfeit. On the outside Celibate Sally is just about no sex. Underneath she's about no intimacy (and anyone who doesn't know the difference probably hasn't understood a single thing I've said). My friend has been hurt more times than she should have and that makes me angry. Angry for her and angry for every woman who deserves better. Sally has been taught by her past relationships all the things that can go wrong. She's been shown the ugly side of humanity; that people hurt you intentionally and that not everyone is worthy of your attention or your love. I wish I could take this from her, from every woman I know who has cried at night, who has felt a pain that rips through their core, that makes them want to stay in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. I'd take it and throw it in the ocean. I'd let a giant wave crush it and bury it where it could never hurt them again. But I can't do that. No one can. You can move on but you can't forget, and it would be foolish to do so. But I want them to love again. I want them to see themselves the way I see them and I want to find someone for them who sees every brilliant fiber of their being shining through like a beam of light through the night.
It may sound corny or fake. It may sound like I have a huuuge lesbian crush on all of my friends. And if wanting to give my friends the ability to love with reckless abandon, without the fear of free falling to their doom then I guess it is what it is. But they deserve it. We all deserve to be happy without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I'm gonna work on getting Sally deported and make sure that she doesn't get a work visa anytime soon.
The brownies have been done for awhile and after all of this I don't even want them anymore. It wasn't ever about the brownies (obviously) but more about the implications that were behind them. Some of you may walk away from this thinking that I've finally cracked. Others may think that I have painted an entirely biased account and to that I say damn straight I did. I hope that some of you get it. I hope that I'm not alone.
I dedicate this entry to the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Specifically I would like to mention my friends Angelique, Carrie and Talia. You all have more strength than I thought was possible and when I feel weak I follow your examples. I love you all.
The motivation for this entry is at the surface a simple question; am I willing to give up sex for brownies?
Hard to imagine such an unassuming box could be the source of so much inner conflict. And at the root of it all it really has nothing to do with the delish confection. It has more to to with the state of relationships in this the year 2009. But the brownies are the catalyst at the moment, so I'm rolling with it.
Just so you're all not salivating with suspense, you should know that I have decided to go ahead with the brownie making process. But while I'm making the brownies, I will vent my current frustrations and concerns with the way the men and women around me seem to be treating each other and themselves. But to keep true to the process and goal that I have set for myself in this entry, I should probably start the baking process.
3 minutes later...
All of the ingredients are in the bowl but I have not yet mixed them together. Pandora has yet again supplied me with another fabulous starter for the conversation I'm trying to build. The song "Why Does She Stay" by Ne-Yo just came on. Normally I skip this song for a variety of reasons; I'm not in the mood, I want to hear something from a female artist, or I just don't like the song. But I know that last excuse isn't true. For those of you who aren't Pandora users, it offers a thumbs up or down rating feature that allows you a marginal amount of control over the music you are listening to. If I truly didn't like the song, all it would take to make sure I never heard it again would be a simple click. But for the past 4 months and counting I have refused to give the song any kind of rating, good or bad. As I was cracking the eggs for my batter I realized my problem with this song; it comes a little too close to home for my liking.
A little brownie making...
Batter
The journey to awesome brownie-ness begins...And now that I have about 32 minutes and 41,40,39 seconds to kill before they're even pretend done and the bowl and I have sufficiently met our manifest destiny (aka a tummy ache for me) I will stop procrastinating and forge on with my mission. The root of my problem and the initial reason for this discussion is this man here:
And here...
Tom Demauro. The roller coaster ride that has spent time as the background and foreground of my life for the past 4 years (yeah, it's that real). The ups and downs I've been on with him have been good and bad, uplifting and soul crushing. He is the emotionally draining Big to my desperately trying to understand Carrie. We've had all the highs and lows of a relationship without actually being in one including a nasty faux break up which lead to my rebound style loss of virginity. To pretend that he's not a large part of my life for better or worse would be naive to say the least.
Well in 20 days my own personal emotional wrecking ball is coming back to town for a 10 day reprieve from Iraq. I've played this game before and got burned so I'm not holding my breath for a miracle but I can earnestly say that I feel something has changed. Every girl wants to be the exception and not the rule. I've spent a long time being the rule and I feel like the time has finally come for me to be the exception.
Which brings me back to Ne-Yo. The premise of the song 'Why does she stay' is simple; he's an asshole and can't understand why someone as amazing as she is is putting up with his shit. The chorus begins with She’s so much better than me/I'm so unworthy of her and then goes into Why does she stay?/ Why does she stay?/Why? To me it seems that I've spent the past four years in this part of the song. He knows he's wrong and I know he knows because he's told me so. And I know I deserve better because I have amazing friends like soulbare and
burning_wreck who make it a point to tell me so. Ne-Yo answers his own question at the bridge: She's in love, she's in love, she's in love. I've never been one to drop the L-bomb lightly and I won't do so now, but I think it's fair to say that I've stuck around this long for a little more than a crush. And I stick around for the same reason Ne-Yo's girl seemingly stuck with him, for the same reason Carrie lets Big in so many times, for the same reason so many women wind up with broken hearts. I want to be the one. The one to change him, the one to make him a better man, the one to finally be an exception and not a rule. At the end of the song, he realizes the error of his ways in a manner that is only possible in a 4 minute time span and makes a promise to be a better man. Unfortunately I have a problem believing that Ne-Yo or anyone really is a reformed sinner. I'm not sure that there isn't another shoe in the wings waiting to crash to the ground and ruin the careful existence I have etched out for myself. But the small optimistic side of me wants to believe, wants to hold on to any shred of hope there is. I want to believe.
And that's why I have a love hate relationship with that song.
But back to brownies. With Tom coming home in 20 days and my glass looking slightly fuller than normal I have hatched a plan that I affectionately call 'Hydration 2009' in which I seduce the dear sweet Marine back to my web of lavender and pumpkin pie. As apart of this plan, I have been watching what I do and don't eat as to be at my most stunning when the time comes to put my plan to action. When I found myself craving brownies at 9pm tonight I found myself trying to choose between potential sex and right now confections. My willpower and my Id were at odds and in the end the brownies were made for several reasons that have lead me to this discussion.
Firstly, no woman should have to change herself for any man. And any man that tries to make you change fundamental personality traits doesn't want to be with you. Self improvement needs to be on your own terms to work so if you want to have a brownie, go for the brownie. I'm not saying face plant into the pan, but don't feel like a total failure for a little indulgence.
Second, when have you seen a man bending over backwards to try and please a woman (in any sense of the word)? Women are (on average) the ones who try harder and they're the ones who often hurt the most. This past summer I have worked with the most interesting group of young adults who have taught me a few things about men, women and how relationships work. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but when I think of a relationship between two people my thoughts end there; between the two people. Yet this summer I have seen more rationalization for infidelity than I would care to see in my lifetime. I've seen 'men' who said that their girlfriend is 'mean' and that's why they step out on her. I've seen women fight each other over someone who is taken and lose the respect from their peers with every passing moment. I have a problem understanding why it is that women will fight over a man but you rarely see men fight over a woman outside of a movie theater. The song Cater 2 U by Destiny's Child came on about a quarter of the way through my efforts here and I had to pause it. This song promotes women catering to the every whim of a man and while I could go on a rant about the implications of this ideal to the African American community (Thanks Paula) I'm going to keep my discussion broad at the time. If men are aware (and like Skynet, they became aware a long time ago) of the fact that a significant percentage of women are willing to bend over backwards for them they have no reason to work for anything. Which unfortunately leaves the rest of us in the dust. If I'm not willing to turn the other cheek to your indiscretions, or tolerate you calling me 'baby' or 'sweetie' because you can't remember my name, if I am not willing to play second fiddle to you trying to act like a player to your boys or to let you strip me of my self respect and pride as fast as you strip another woman of her clothes I end up alone.
We live in a time where essentially men don't have to try. There are enough women out there giving it away for free that it makes it less than desirable for them to have to work. I'm great. I have wonderful, fantastic, gorgeous friends with brilliant thoughts, beautiful minds and freak nasty tendencies. I also have a lot of single friends and as you may have guessed by now the two categories are not exclusive. My friends will make great lovers and friends to the man who is willing to put in the time to be with them. They are incredibly complex creatures of this world and they all have their share of battle scars. They have the biggest hearts of anyone that I have had the fortune of encountering and would be more willing to love harder and deeper than anyone else you'll ever meet. They are truly remarkable. Yet they are single, looking for someone to fill that spot in their life. A place that no matter how many fabulous friends you may have can simply not be filled by anyone except that special someone. The old saying is true, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? No one wants to be alone, but no one should have to be free milk either. So instead, go get a glass of milk (actual not theoretical) and Eat.That.Brownie.
Celibate Sally is a friend of a friend. She comes from a small island of Nosex and is currently living as an illegal alien in my friends home. I won't front, I don't like her. I think she's a dirty ho. She came with a set of fake Louis Vutton luggage real looking on the outside but underneath she's nothing but a dollar store counterfeit. On the outside Celibate Sally is just about no sex. Underneath she's about no intimacy (and anyone who doesn't know the difference probably hasn't understood a single thing I've said). My friend has been hurt more times than she should have and that makes me angry. Angry for her and angry for every woman who deserves better. Sally has been taught by her past relationships all the things that can go wrong. She's been shown the ugly side of humanity; that people hurt you intentionally and that not everyone is worthy of your attention or your love. I wish I could take this from her, from every woman I know who has cried at night, who has felt a pain that rips through their core, that makes them want to stay in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. I'd take it and throw it in the ocean. I'd let a giant wave crush it and bury it where it could never hurt them again. But I can't do that. No one can. You can move on but you can't forget, and it would be foolish to do so. But I want them to love again. I want them to see themselves the way I see them and I want to find someone for them who sees every brilliant fiber of their being shining through like a beam of light through the night.
It may sound corny or fake. It may sound like I have a huuuge lesbian crush on all of my friends. And if wanting to give my friends the ability to love with reckless abandon, without the fear of free falling to their doom then I guess it is what it is. But they deserve it. We all deserve to be happy without waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I'm gonna work on getting Sally deported and make sure that she doesn't get a work visa anytime soon.
The brownies have been done for awhile and after all of this I don't even want them anymore. It wasn't ever about the brownies (obviously) but more about the implications that were behind them. Some of you may walk away from this thinking that I've finally cracked. Others may think that I have painted an entirely biased account and to that I say damn straight I did. I hope that some of you get it. I hope that I'm not alone.
I dedicate this entry to the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Specifically I would like to mention my friends Angelique, Carrie and Talia. You all have more strength than I thought was possible and when I feel weak I follow your examples. I love you all.