growth
Introspection has been hard, if not impossible for me lately. I'm afraid that comming to any conclusions about my thoughts/behaviors will obligate responsibility for them. Because I fear the solutions to my problems are only conflicting and irrational, I would have to sacrifice a part of myself to take control of the situation and choose a road. Thought introduces resistance, and requires me to act, to choose, and ultimately pass by an opportunity for growth in another direction. I don't want to give up my fantasies, so I close my eyes and imagine my life taking all courses, the way water automatically flows into every dry crevice. I want to be like water- to have the privilege of exploring every space by the will of gravity.
Or, maybe I should accept what I want, without shame. This is why I don't want to address it. Most people would not believe it's possible to have it all, so it's hard to feel confident in my outlook. But maybe I will be happy if I live this way. It seems that I must be happier than I was before. I can't depend on one person to help me see myself, and I desparately want to see more. Yes, I am selfish, but the anticipation of death makes me feel alone already.
Or, maybe I should accept what I want, without shame. This is why I don't want to address it. Most people would not believe it's possible to have it all, so it's hard to feel confident in my outlook. But maybe I will be happy if I live this way. It seems that I must be happier than I was before. I can't depend on one person to help me see myself, and I desparately want to see more. Yes, I am selfish, but the anticipation of death makes me feel alone already.