The best part of believe is the lie
So I'm going through quite a lot mentally these days. Not really sure of what to think/how to feel about many things. I'm writing this just to vent. To put in words all the fucked up shit that is going on inside my head. If you are reading this and want to comment or are going to judge anything I write, you can just stop reading it now. I won't respond to anything anyone says about what I'm going to write. This is how I feel and that will be the end of it. If you care enough to read, I'm sorry ? There is really no beginning or end, I'm just going to write until I'm bored.
I am fucked up. I have these three girls in my life. I feel as though I love all three. But how can you be in love with three girls at once ? That doesn't make sense. I have always said Bridgitt is the "love of my life", but how can that be ? I see Jess and I can picture myself being with her for the rest of my life. How can the love of my life and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with be different people ? Then I have Cara. I don't even know where to start with this one. I was with her for two years 'ish and I denied and denied that I ever had any feelings for her. I had myself convinced that I felt nothing for her. Then we don't talk for a month or so and she finds someone else. I see her randomly and all of a sudden this rush of emotion. All of a sudden I'm in love with her and can't stand to be without her ? Is it because I'm jealous ? Because she finally gave up ? I don't fucking know and it's eating me apart inside. I'm so analytical of every aspect of my life I can't just let something be what it is. I have to know why I feel the way I do and rationalize it. Make sense of it. And I guess eventually .. Make it go away. That's all I want to do. Make my emotion for all three of them just go away. And that's why I push. If I force you out of my life, then I can pretend to not think about you, and eventually I won't. That day still hasn't come for any of you, but that's my theory and I'm stickin' to it.
I suppose all this is why I'm moving. I like to run away from my problems. This time I don't think I'll come back though. And if I do you are all going to see a different Trevor. I've wasted enough of my life. I want to make something of myself. I'm going to. And I want someone to be there when I do. I want a life. A family. A career. I want something to be proud of. I have nothing to be proud of right now. "I can drink more than you" "I can kick your ass" "I've fucked more girls than you" "My cock is friggen 'uge"
Time to fucking grow up.
I think I'm making big strides as a person though. I'm owning up to my mistakes. Confronting my problems. And not confronting them in the manner I used to. I'm talking things out instead of yelling .. Or hitting. I'm so good at placing the blame on other people. I do it automatically. If someone says I did something, my first reaction, my first instinct is to think of how it's not my fault. I am so good I even convince myself it's not my fault. How can you be so manipulative that you can cover up what's really wrong and convince yourself that it's somehow someone else's fault ALL THE TIME ?
I'm trying to make other people happy. I'm not going to be happy or satisfied regardless of what happens so I might as well make others happy and get some sort of enjoyment out of that.
On a brighter note my kitty has become a cat. He's 7 months old and is as big as he's going to get. And he loves me. Someones got to, haha. And this guy isn't allowed to stop loving me. Cuz I'd just kill him if he stopped.
Annnd I have my car back .. 1000$ later.
This is me. Love me or leave me. Most of you have probably done both by now.
I am fucked up. I have these three girls in my life. I feel as though I love all three. But how can you be in love with three girls at once ? That doesn't make sense. I have always said Bridgitt is the "love of my life", but how can that be ? I see Jess and I can picture myself being with her for the rest of my life. How can the love of my life and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with be different people ? Then I have Cara. I don't even know where to start with this one. I was with her for two years 'ish and I denied and denied that I ever had any feelings for her. I had myself convinced that I felt nothing for her. Then we don't talk for a month or so and she finds someone else. I see her randomly and all of a sudden this rush of emotion. All of a sudden I'm in love with her and can't stand to be without her ? Is it because I'm jealous ? Because she finally gave up ? I don't fucking know and it's eating me apart inside. I'm so analytical of every aspect of my life I can't just let something be what it is. I have to know why I feel the way I do and rationalize it. Make sense of it. And I guess eventually .. Make it go away. That's all I want to do. Make my emotion for all three of them just go away. And that's why I push. If I force you out of my life, then I can pretend to not think about you, and eventually I won't. That day still hasn't come for any of you, but that's my theory and I'm stickin' to it.
I suppose all this is why I'm moving. I like to run away from my problems. This time I don't think I'll come back though. And if I do you are all going to see a different Trevor. I've wasted enough of my life. I want to make something of myself. I'm going to. And I want someone to be there when I do. I want a life. A family. A career. I want something to be proud of. I have nothing to be proud of right now. "I can drink more than you" "I can kick your ass" "I've fucked more girls than you" "My cock is friggen 'uge"
Time to fucking grow up.
I think I'm making big strides as a person though. I'm owning up to my mistakes. Confronting my problems. And not confronting them in the manner I used to. I'm talking things out instead of yelling .. Or hitting. I'm so good at placing the blame on other people. I do it automatically. If someone says I did something, my first reaction, my first instinct is to think of how it's not my fault. I am so good I even convince myself it's not my fault. How can you be so manipulative that you can cover up what's really wrong and convince yourself that it's somehow someone else's fault ALL THE TIME ?
I'm trying to make other people happy. I'm not going to be happy or satisfied regardless of what happens so I might as well make others happy and get some sort of enjoyment out of that.
On a brighter note my kitty has become a cat. He's 7 months old and is as big as he's going to get. And he loves me. Someones got to, haha. And this guy isn't allowed to stop loving me. Cuz I'd just kill him if he stopped.
Annnd I have my car back .. 1000$ later.
This is me. Love me or leave me. Most of you have probably done both by now.