A real entry for once.

[itneverends14]

It is the last week of August. Why did I do this? *sigh* All summer, I've refused to think about what I'm going to be doing come September. I've forced the thought out of my head because it was too difficult. I just wanted to spend time with my friends, keep my mind off of my problems and now... My family is half way up my ass about it and I'm completely clueless. Well... not really. I have options, but none of them seem appealing in the least. And to state the obvious, none of them are going to be easy. I've already said what I want in the long run. Primary Objective: Get far away from my family as soon as possible. And I've been making things very hard for myself. I know this. Instead of saving my money like I originally planned, I've spent most of it. I have less than $200 in the bank when if I had saved everything I made, I would have over $700. And this whole school situation... I know how stubborn I am when it comes to school. If I don't like the teacher or the subject, don't expect me to pass. I've failed bio twice, wanna know why? Well... I start off ok. Then I get bored and annoyed at homework. The teacher annoys me because their teaching method is what I think as stupid and pointless. I stop doing work all together. Both times I had bio, I ended up sitting there writing or sleeping, not paying a bit of attention to the teacher or anything going on around me ALL SEMESTER. I think I ended up with a 16% total average for the class the one time. *sigh* But I got myself off track. Actually, I'll explain why I don't want to go back to highschool. Last year was the most pointlessly dramatic neverending nonsense-fest I have ever experianced in my life. I mean honestly, do you people think that any of the stuff that you dragged out and bitched about is going to make any sort of difference to your life, that you're even going to remember three quarters of it by the time you're 30? I am SICK of every little dilema that these highschool kids decide to dramatize to make their dull and meaningless lives more interesting. It's immature and completely unnecessary. On top of that, I was stuck with these moron teachers. I cannot believe that some of these people were given liscences to teach at all. My english teacher should have been given some massive amounts of speech therapy (Thum? Thur? Sorry. Honey. Say it with me now: THEM. THEIR.) and possibly some Prozac. I have never failed english in my life. I am a very literary person and have been all of my life. This was the first time in my life I have ever failed an english class and passed a math class. I'll tell you why. My math teacher this year was an amazing person. She really knew how to teach. I would have been the best student in that class if I had done a shred of homework. Ah. Homework. The bane of my existance. Most homework assaignments are completely pointless to me so I refuse to do it. Give me a good assaignment, I mean something that is really worth it, and I'll do it no problem. Give me something that's going to challenge and interest me, not bore me with it's dullness and tedium. *sigh* I know that I've gone off track. I'm once again trying to distract myself from thinking about this. So ok. It's either, 1) go back to highschool or 2) go to nightschool to get my G.E.D. Now if I choose number 1, I run into a whole new set of problems. A) Which highschool do I go to? If I want to go to Lakeland, I once again run into more problems. a) I would probably have to move back in with my mother, who I haven't spoken to in over 4 months. That creates more problems as well but I don't want to get into them. And b) I didn't get very many credits last year so there's no way that I would be graduating with everyone else anyway. If I go to Mahwah I, a) am starting at a completely different school with completely different people who, from what I can see, are not the type of people that I... well let's just say that from what I've seen, they don't seem to be very nice people. b) I have no idea what they would do about my lack of credits. And c) I would be switching to regular scheduling which is so much harder than block scheduling and it really fucks with my back and sense of time. If I go to Waldwick... wait... I'M NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT FUCKING SHIT HOLE SO I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO WASTE MY TIME THINKING ABOUT IT. (yet another) *sigh* The problems that I'm faced with when it comes to night school are scheduling, because I never know what days I'm going to work, the fact that it's going to take up a massive amount of my time, I have no idea how difficult or easy it would be for me, and yea... I don't know. It would be a completely new experiance. The one thing that I'm sure of is that fact that I want to work as much as possible. I'm so bent on saving money right now. I NEED to save my money. I need to earn more money so that I can save it. I want to get away from these people running my life. My grandmother and all the control she has over me. I swear that woman... God. I get so frustrated and I know Tommy is always telling me not to yell at her, but when she's yelling at me, being completely unreasonable, the only thing that I can think of to do is to just let go and show her that I'm not going to let her have control. She cannot sit there and talk down to me without me lashing back out at her. I honestly think that I scared everyone at Nick's when I started screaming at her over the phone. I'm 17 years old and I'm sorry but I don't care if she is "uncomfortable" with anything that I want to do. I don't care if she's comfortable with it or not, if it's something that I want to do and I feel comfortable than what the hell is the problem. Is there something wrong with my judgement? It seems like a little thing but it's my main problem with my family. They have the control to say yes or no and I have to comply either way, no matter how unreasonable they're being. What really made me angry was when she said that she was going to come straight upstairs and lecture everyone because I am a minor and blah blah blah, bullshit that blew the whole situation out of proportion and was the catalyst to my little explosion. I just... I want to be able to make my own decisions and do what I want to do. It's not like I'm going to go out and get myself killed, all I wanted to do was sleep over and hang out with my friends and my boyfriend. I don't give two shits if she's uncomfortable with that. I really don't. I would have told her to go fuck herself if she didn't tell me that she was going to drag my father, my mother, and the police over to the appartment if I didn't come home. Can you say, over-react much? MUCH. So now, I'm sitting here because there is no way in hell that I'm going to be able to sleep because Tommy isn't here, mad at life in general and wishing that things were simple. I don't even think I know the real meaning of the word.(yet another)*sigh* If I had my way, I wouldn't have to bother with anything, and I'd never have to associate with any member of my family ever again (except for maybe my dad occasionally). I knew this was going to happen. One thing goes right for me and everything else falls apart. It really does never end. But regardless of whatever bullshit is going on, I'm happier than I think I ever have been. It took a year in coming but now that it's here... God, I love him so much. I did not want to leave tonight. I don't care if he had to wake up at 5. It'll be just like yesterday morning. The alarm went off, I woke up with him and it was the best morning I have ever had. After he kissed me goodbye and went off to work, I fell back asleep and woke up in the best mood. But no, my grandma is an evil whore. She caught on. She thinks that I've been spending the past couple of weeks staying at Ben's house. Umm nope, sorry grandma, I've been staying at my boyfriend's appartment, wrapped up in his arms every night, you know after all the smoking, drugs, and sex. And I don't give a flying fuck if you're comfortable with that or not. What really sucks right now is that I don't have my pictures. I just got the most amazing pictures developed and there's a picture of me and Tommy that I'm in love with. ^_^ The other night Howard and Tommy come into the room and Tommy sits bhind me, wraps his arms around me and starts kissing me and Howard pulls out my camera and starts taking pictures. One of them came out cute but you can see how fried my hair is, and the other one is just perfect even though I look like... well me. I think I left them in his room. It makes me mad. But I'll get them and the rest of them scanned and posted so you can see me and my friends. If you've read all of this so far, bravo. I applaude you for having no life and reading my half-mile long entry which I will now continue. There is one thing that's bothering me (among many)... it's this thing with Vanessa. I feel like we've completely drifted apart and you know, I understand that she moved and she's going to meet new people but... it's like I've completely been replaced and her problem with Tommy is really bothering me. She shouldn't have believed a word that came out of Georgia's mouth and I understand that she's concerned and she doesn't want me getting hurt but she hasn't even seen how Tommy is with me. Ever. She's heard the bad things because what are friends for if not to be there for you to cry on their shoulder when you need to right? So I don't know, I'm trying to set up a day that she can hang out with everyone so she can just see. I'm going to talk to him about it too. Maybe. I don't know. I know that if he knows that it's important to me, he would try. (last one, I swear) *sigh* I'm so in love with him.

Ok. I'm done.

If you read the whole thing, you deserve a cookie. ^_^