falling apart
yesterday was ok.. i wasnt rly into halloween this year, at least i got to see Alyssa for a lil bit. Then i whent back to kevyn's house... we watched final destanation 2 and i ended up falling asleep... then i got up at 3 in the mourning. i started to think about stuff.. i started to think about where i live, my family, school.. and what i was told about kevyn.. that botherd me.. if what i was told was true then he realy isnt my friend at all.. either that or he just dosnt care about our friendship, i cant trust him... guh i dunno, he wants me to go to opeth tomrrow i already bought my ticket but i dont think im gunna go, im not gunna chill with sum1 who i think is fucking me over.. sum1 who is my "brother" hahah brother my ass.. i dunno what to think anymore. that kept me awake just thinking about that. then i thought about the otherday when justin came up to me and like was tellin me how angry he was at me cuz em i guess yelled at him for saying that alyssa was leading me on.. i rly hate all this high school drama bullshit.. i rly dont need it. i finaly started to talkin to my dad and step mom at the funeral on sat. we all got along great, they invited me to come stay at there house for a weekend.. and my dad said that im always welcome to come back to the house.. i thought about it, i still am... maybe i should move to colonie.. back with my dad.. get away from all this shen bullshit..i dunno.. but all this stuff builded up inside me untill i got to school.i was sooo pissed, i dunno y, i realy had no reason to be.. i just was. I walked through the halls mad people said hi and i didnt evin agknowledge there existacne..justin stomp thinks i hate him now lol. then i saw emmie and i decided to go chill with her at her bio class, em put me in a good mood, she made me laugh and stuff shes pritty funny and pritty fun to chill with. The the next period i got called down to guidence. they asked what was up with me.. i guess every1 could tell i havnt been my self. They continue to say that i should go see a phsyc.. i dont want to.. i handle my probs on my own, i told her that.. and she asked me if i hurt myself.. i told her that i had a very large history of it.. and then she was like "if u did or at least thought about hurting urself would u at least come tell me"...HAHAHA what kinda gay question is that.. if i tried to kill myself i would succeed.. its easy for me.. my heart sux.. take a bottle of asprin and go to sleep,im pritty sure id be dead.. if not i still wouldnt tell anyone..id still at home puke my brians out and then go to school and act as if nothing happend. So i could be hurting my self right now and no1 would no.. but thats the diffrence between me and alot of other people. if i wanna die ill kill myself, no doubt about it, nothing would stop me and id make sure i was dead. i wouldnt care about how it effected every1 else. i couldnt give a rats ass weather or not people cried at my funeral or evin aknowledged my death at all. Im pritty sure every1 would get over it. but yea then me and evan snuck off school grounds 7th period. we talked about shit, we relate quite well. hes gunna try out for my band as lead singer on thrusday that should be pimp.. came back to school ran into nicole, i thought she was like dead lol i missed her, it was good to see she was fine. wich means she'll be back at lunch tomarrow, kick ass the table will finaly be fun again.. i saw alyssa i was gunna walk but i didnt.. i didnt wanna walk with kevyn.. i dunno what to think anymore.. haha ive noticed somthing im so fuckin retarted now.. like i changed lol.. i hate it.. the 8th grade version of my slef would prolly call me a pussy and kick my ass haha.. actually i think if i ran into a version of me from last year hed say the same thing.. the vinny from 8th grade wouldnt care, hed tell kevyn to go fuck himself.. hed keep shit to himself and not feel the need to talk about shit.. the old me would pritty much not care about all this high school drama bull. the old me would move on and elimate the causes of the drama from his life. ive changed alot lol.. i cant tell if its for the good or for the worse.. o well
peace
peace