In the place of...
The name of this journal itima comes from the Sumerian word for dark room.
Alone in a dark room. Even saying the phrase is very comforting to me.
Anyhow (this is TMI probably)
So my constipation has cleared up after a fashion. After the painful bm, the liquid bm, the blablabla bm I think I'd rather be constipated. I hate my bowels.
Although really given the abuse this body has lived through it's amazing any of it works properly really.
And I'm getting sick. My left ear and left side of my throat hurt. I've been popping zinc/vitamin C lozenges and downing extra green tea to help but I still feel like crap.
And as usual when I start to feel sickly in body my mind is less healthy than usual. I feel fragile. Like if someone looks at me crooked I might break. And I feel weak and absurd. I hate being sick. I hate that this body fails me so often.
Last night I didn't so much fall asleep as pass out. I was in pain from the back of my neck to my ankles. Right now after a handfull of Advils I feel almost human.
I tried to talk to my M again about the things that have been bothering me. Not two minutes into the conversation he stopped really responding in any kind of constructive manner.
I asked him if I needed to start waking him up earlier to get me to work. Really a simple question I think. All I really needed to know was yes, or no. Or even just 'kick me until I wake up' sort of thing. It degenerated into him saying as always, 'well I guess I'm just an asshole.'
I tried to ask him how we can talk about the big things when we can't even just have a simple conversation? He just kept on with the same 'well I must be stupid' etc etc. I shut up.
It's weighing on me and I'm not sure how much longer I can go without either blowing up or just leaving. Well no I won't just leave because I know I'm all he has. Literally.
I hate being the provider. I hate being the one to worry about everything. I'm tired of being the one to find us where to live, how to live, how to survive. I'm tired of being the responsible one to the detriment of my own health.
He asked me the other day how come I don't go to the doctor for my problems. For once I just let it out bluntly. I can't afford to do that. I cannot afford to buy medications more expensive than Advils. I can barely afford to keep myself in vitamins and soap let alone celebrex and who knows what.
So yeah. Wow this degenerated quickly into whining. I think I'll just STFU now.
Alone in a dark room. Even saying the phrase is very comforting to me.
Anyhow (this is TMI probably)
So my constipation has cleared up after a fashion. After the painful bm, the liquid bm, the blablabla bm I think I'd rather be constipated. I hate my bowels.
Although really given the abuse this body has lived through it's amazing any of it works properly really.
And I'm getting sick. My left ear and left side of my throat hurt. I've been popping zinc/vitamin C lozenges and downing extra green tea to help but I still feel like crap.
And as usual when I start to feel sickly in body my mind is less healthy than usual. I feel fragile. Like if someone looks at me crooked I might break. And I feel weak and absurd. I hate being sick. I hate that this body fails me so often.
Last night I didn't so much fall asleep as pass out. I was in pain from the back of my neck to my ankles. Right now after a handfull of Advils I feel almost human.
I tried to talk to my M again about the things that have been bothering me. Not two minutes into the conversation he stopped really responding in any kind of constructive manner.
I asked him if I needed to start waking him up earlier to get me to work. Really a simple question I think. All I really needed to know was yes, or no. Or even just 'kick me until I wake up' sort of thing. It degenerated into him saying as always, 'well I guess I'm just an asshole.'
I tried to ask him how we can talk about the big things when we can't even just have a simple conversation? He just kept on with the same 'well I must be stupid' etc etc. I shut up.
It's weighing on me and I'm not sure how much longer I can go without either blowing up or just leaving. Well no I won't just leave because I know I'm all he has. Literally.
I hate being the provider. I hate being the one to worry about everything. I'm tired of being the one to find us where to live, how to live, how to survive. I'm tired of being the responsible one to the detriment of my own health.
He asked me the other day how come I don't go to the doctor for my problems. For once I just let it out bluntly. I can't afford to do that. I cannot afford to buy medications more expensive than Advils. I can barely afford to keep myself in vitamins and soap let alone celebrex and who knows what.
So yeah. Wow this degenerated quickly into whining. I think I'll just STFU now.