Secret calm
I am calmer than I have been in weeks. I'd like to say it's because I've had some awakening, or realized some monumental truth I hadn't seen previously. It's neither of those things. It's because of pills.
Not anti depressants or anything like that. It'd be better if it was but it's not.
It's because I bought some "energy supplements" that are actually (least to this point) good diet pills. My appetite is quieted, my pulse twittering away, my hands are a little shaky and my stomach a tad upset but I am starting to feel like I'm in control again and it's a start. I promised a lot of people I wouldn't do this again. Instead of the ephedra based blend I prefer this is a proprietary synephrine blend with a touch of kola nut, a little something else that I can't spell.
Considering it's been 3 years of being 'clean' it's doing it's job. Ideally (yes I know not the best use of the word but I'm trying to be honest here) I'll find myself some decent ephedra based blend after I'm done with this bottle.
I'm still eating though it's a meal a day with a small snack while I'm at work. I've noticed that when my blood sugar gets too low these days I get rather cranky. I've been drinking upwards of 3 liters of water not counting however many cups of tea. I've been thinking of supplementing my day with a bit of fasting tea. However those tend to give a person the shits and I'd really rather not. My bowels are already easily annoyed and I don't want to tempt fate.
I've done quite a bit of research regarding some of my ailments. Some of them are residual eating disorder problems. I'm sure my digestive system woes are mainly due to the years of fasting, restricting, strange eating habits. It was brought to my attention rather ungracefully that I probably upped the odds that I have IBS. In addition to the mystery pain that is either arthritis or early stage fibro.
I know all this and I know that doing what I'm doing won't help. I also know that I have to find some way of coping or I will have a breakdown. I can't go on trying every other thing I can think of to deal with what's going on inside my head. Nothing else has worked.
So on with my plan. Aside from monitoring my eating I'll be getting up at 9:30 in the morning to do yoga. So far I haven't been too successful but the pills will help a little.
I also will be increasing my walking little by little. I'll start with an extra three blocks. City blocks and it's a small step but, I know I have to go slow or my body will fail me.
So yes I'm calm but it is a secret calm. There are enough people that if they knew what I was up to would be very angry with me and I can't really deal with that right now. So it's between us.