Running in my own mind.
Though this body I inhabit seems to be slowing my mind is racing. I've been scribbling thoughts here and there all day. Multiplicity, a story about an insane empath, bud flittering about our hair, the housing situation. What I will do if in fact this body is as sick as it feels. So a begining yes. I have some order in the chaos that some people might call a mind.
The multiplicity.
I have known I am a multiple from the time my memories began. The others have been here as I have been here. They have had their lives and history. I know more about some of the others than I have let on until now. There was a point I had convinced myself it was just my 'over active' imagination, that I was simply overly moody, too sensitive. Schizophrenic. Insane.
I knew then as I know now that while yes I am moody sensitive and possibly insane being a multiple has nothing to do with that. I am (to oversimplify) complicated, as bud has taken a liking to saying.
And yes you have to say the previous as Dorian Gray did in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
To go down the roster this is what I know.
bud first since she is so close by. bud is not human. Not in any way except perhaps in her capacity to feel. Although given how well I know her I would say that the way in which she feels, and the depths to which she feels are not human. Unlike most humans including myself she has few walls, no natural inclination towards being at all secretive or misleading. She is not entirely guileless nor is she a child.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she is a creature beyond the scope of human behaviour as I understand it. I have known bud is not human for quite a long time. I remember as a child reading all sorts of mythology, fairy tales etc trying to figure out just what she might be.
I still don't know. As (was it Gabriel? Fuck I think I spelled your name wrong) more than a few have commented both to her and to myself she seems very fae like. In all my research and hers I have not found a good fit. I personally believe that she is unlike most any other fae or other type creature.
I don't know if bud has been able to describe to anyone with any clarity what she looks like. I don't think she can quite see herself as Lillian or myself does. She does not appear entirely solid. Nor is she translucent. She (Gods I hate to word it this way) glitters and changes. Watchig her is a lot like looking at a large body of water. Instead of changing with the tides she changes with her moods. It can be disconcerting at times.
She is empathic and intuitive to a point that is frightening to me sometimes. Regardless of what she might say in conversation she knows far more than she lets on. She feels it keenly but I don't think she knows how to articulate most of what she says.
On to another easier to describe. Lillian. I believe that she and her two sisters are reincarnations. Or if not that, very very old souls. I don't hear Lillian's sisters speak often but their manner of speech is old. I remember as a child reading some book that was set in some long ago and I thought that it sounded like them. They don't like to speak about their origins. Something terrible happened to the three of them.
Iris and Robert are brother and sister. Iris is older a tall bronc riding, smart ass Texas girl. They both have the most beautiful skin. Redbone, clear and gorgeous. They grew up ranching. Robert is a mute and was thought to be retarded but he isn't. He's actually very quick and good with his hands. He loves to examine tiny things, mechanical type things. When I was little I remember him coming front and taking apart a radio then putting it back together successfully.
There was another. I don't know much about her except that she tended to come front while we were sleeping and would mutter in French. THat baffled my friends. I've been told more than once that they'd wake up thinking I was talking to them only to find me having an entire conversation in very good French. I don't know where she's gone. And consequently I only understand a smattering of French. I can read a bit of it and speak some as well.
That is all of us.
I might feel crazy. No shit I am crazy we all know that. However, being a multiple has nothing to do with it really. In fact, being a multiple has probably saved my life on more than one occasion since I am the one that has done the most evil to this body.
I feel little strange now. I have never talked about being multiple in this kind of way. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. With all of the other drama in my life I don't think I am going to 'come out' anytime soon. I can only take so much.
I know a few single type friends have known in one way or another over the years. A boy I was very very close to who, I kow is psychic in many ways knows. He knew from the moment he met me and has talked to both bud and Lillian.
And what about me. A good question. I talk a good game when it comes to other people.
I can say that the only person I am afraid of is myself. I know that I have some very deep seated violence in me. I know that I complicated, secretive and can be vicious. I can be fierce. I am more passionate than is probably good for my health. I love hard. Hate slowly. My own psyche is a labyrinth I'd rather not traverse. I like the little corner I live in.
I talk too much. Obviously by the length of this post.
And I think I'm finished for now. bud is running around behind me she wants to drink gingerale and eat hot and sour soup. The thought of eating anything makes me want to vomit. Her want for food is my cue to exit stage left.
If anybody actually read this whole thing you are to be congratulated.
Edited to add that I somehow locked the last entry. I've got no clue how and it's been unlocked.
The multiplicity.
I have known I am a multiple from the time my memories began. The others have been here as I have been here. They have had their lives and history. I know more about some of the others than I have let on until now. There was a point I had convinced myself it was just my 'over active' imagination, that I was simply overly moody, too sensitive. Schizophrenic. Insane.
I knew then as I know now that while yes I am moody sensitive and possibly insane being a multiple has nothing to do with that. I am (to oversimplify) complicated, as bud has taken a liking to saying.
And yes you have to say the previous as Dorian Gray did in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
To go down the roster this is what I know.
bud first since she is so close by. bud is not human. Not in any way except perhaps in her capacity to feel. Although given how well I know her I would say that the way in which she feels, and the depths to which she feels are not human. Unlike most humans including myself she has few walls, no natural inclination towards being at all secretive or misleading. She is not entirely guileless nor is she a child.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she is a creature beyond the scope of human behaviour as I understand it. I have known bud is not human for quite a long time. I remember as a child reading all sorts of mythology, fairy tales etc trying to figure out just what she might be.
I still don't know. As (was it Gabriel? Fuck I think I spelled your name wrong) more than a few have commented both to her and to myself she seems very fae like. In all my research and hers I have not found a good fit. I personally believe that she is unlike most any other fae or other type creature.
I don't know if bud has been able to describe to anyone with any clarity what she looks like. I don't think she can quite see herself as Lillian or myself does. She does not appear entirely solid. Nor is she translucent. She (Gods I hate to word it this way) glitters and changes. Watchig her is a lot like looking at a large body of water. Instead of changing with the tides she changes with her moods. It can be disconcerting at times.
She is empathic and intuitive to a point that is frightening to me sometimes. Regardless of what she might say in conversation she knows far more than she lets on. She feels it keenly but I don't think she knows how to articulate most of what she says.
On to another easier to describe. Lillian. I believe that she and her two sisters are reincarnations. Or if not that, very very old souls. I don't hear Lillian's sisters speak often but their manner of speech is old. I remember as a child reading some book that was set in some long ago and I thought that it sounded like them. They don't like to speak about their origins. Something terrible happened to the three of them.
Iris and Robert are brother and sister. Iris is older a tall bronc riding, smart ass Texas girl. They both have the most beautiful skin. Redbone, clear and gorgeous. They grew up ranching. Robert is a mute and was thought to be retarded but he isn't. He's actually very quick and good with his hands. He loves to examine tiny things, mechanical type things. When I was little I remember him coming front and taking apart a radio then putting it back together successfully.
There was another. I don't know much about her except that she tended to come front while we were sleeping and would mutter in French. THat baffled my friends. I've been told more than once that they'd wake up thinking I was talking to them only to find me having an entire conversation in very good French. I don't know where she's gone. And consequently I only understand a smattering of French. I can read a bit of it and speak some as well.
That is all of us.
I might feel crazy. No shit I am crazy we all know that. However, being a multiple has nothing to do with it really. In fact, being a multiple has probably saved my life on more than one occasion since I am the one that has done the most evil to this body.
I feel little strange now. I have never talked about being multiple in this kind of way. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. With all of the other drama in my life I don't think I am going to 'come out' anytime soon. I can only take so much.
I know a few single type friends have known in one way or another over the years. A boy I was very very close to who, I kow is psychic in many ways knows. He knew from the moment he met me and has talked to both bud and Lillian.
And what about me. A good question. I talk a good game when it comes to other people.
I can say that the only person I am afraid of is myself. I know that I have some very deep seated violence in me. I know that I complicated, secretive and can be vicious. I can be fierce. I am more passionate than is probably good for my health. I love hard. Hate slowly. My own psyche is a labyrinth I'd rather not traverse. I like the little corner I live in.
I talk too much. Obviously by the length of this post.
And I think I'm finished for now. bud is running around behind me she wants to drink gingerale and eat hot and sour soup. The thought of eating anything makes me want to vomit. Her want for food is my cue to exit stage left.
If anybody actually read this whole thing you are to be congratulated.
Edited to add that I somehow locked the last entry. I've got no clue how and it's been unlocked.