(no subject)
in from perkins, was supposed to be off around 2am, now it's nearly 6am, and i just got home, been up since 8:30 am YESTERDAY.
fuckin goddamn, i wanna get through this bullshit and get on with my life. perkins is eating me alive. i'm beginning to really hate humans, and that won't do me any good. i can't help them change if i don't love them enough to care. and that self-righteous sentence can be turned towards me as well. i gotta get outta this mess i'm in.
dude was TOTALLY supposed to call me. has not called. promised that he would. stood on the threshold of my entrance, loomed naked and heavy over me, held me and kissed me and told me, yes of course he would talk to me the next day, of course he would call me on sunday.
no word.
and he seemed nice, nice and nerdy and incapable of hurting me. i know i seem gruff, guys, i know i seem like this impenetrable beast, soemtimes. loud and obnoxious and too busy to be wrapped up in boys, anyway. but there is a center to me, a warm motherlove that wants to find someone to care about, deeply. it's all a lie, all of it, this love shit.
saw the hungarian, AGAIN.
maybe he's crazy, cause HE ACTS AS THOUGH NOTHING IS WRONG
everything is wrong, every time bela speaks to me, the first thing out of his mouth ought to be an apology, for being a total douche bag, for bailing on me, for leaving me with the burden of the DownTown all by myself, for fucking me, for promising to love me with his body and telling me he couldn't with his mouth. a girl hears two conflicting stories, she wants to believe the one that makes her feel real and wanted.
fuck, i made myself cry.
sorry guys, i'll be happy tomorrow, i promise.
fuckin goddamn, i wanna get through this bullshit and get on with my life. perkins is eating me alive. i'm beginning to really hate humans, and that won't do me any good. i can't help them change if i don't love them enough to care. and that self-righteous sentence can be turned towards me as well. i gotta get outta this mess i'm in.
dude was TOTALLY supposed to call me. has not called. promised that he would. stood on the threshold of my entrance, loomed naked and heavy over me, held me and kissed me and told me, yes of course he would talk to me the next day, of course he would call me on sunday.
no word.
and he seemed nice, nice and nerdy and incapable of hurting me. i know i seem gruff, guys, i know i seem like this impenetrable beast, soemtimes. loud and obnoxious and too busy to be wrapped up in boys, anyway. but there is a center to me, a warm motherlove that wants to find someone to care about, deeply. it's all a lie, all of it, this love shit.
saw the hungarian, AGAIN.
maybe he's crazy, cause HE ACTS AS THOUGH NOTHING IS WRONG
everything is wrong, every time bela speaks to me, the first thing out of his mouth ought to be an apology, for being a total douche bag, for bailing on me, for leaving me with the burden of the DownTown all by myself, for fucking me, for promising to love me with his body and telling me he couldn't with his mouth. a girl hears two conflicting stories, she wants to believe the one that makes her feel real and wanted.
fuck, i made myself cry.
sorry guys, i'll be happy tomorrow, i promise.