Memorization/Terrification/The notion of Deacon memorization.
I spend an insurmountable amount of time contemplating something useless: my own intelligence. Firstly, as a Yogini, I very well know not to compare myself against myself or others. It’s a fruitless pursuit, and countless (SERIOUSLY) hours on the mat have taught me this. Today, I feel ready to drop that fruitless pursuit regarding the intelligence. Who cares if I am slow memorizing? It’s not a race. Who cares if I don’t know what the fuck I am doing in the OTO right away? It’s not a race. How about stop WORRYING about it, and allow it to happen organically. Forcing it to happen? Bad juejue.
Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.
The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”
Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but - not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination - it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.
I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.
-Angela
Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.
The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”
Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but - not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination - it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.
I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.
-Angela