Week 4 out the door
Preface this to say I wish I had time for details, but this will do: Week 4 come and gone. Time moves in a strange way here. Fast and slow simultaneously, 50/50… if you are not kicking back hard enough, you’ll lose the balance. I struggle. I struggle a lot with memorization, but maybe more than memorization I struggle with keeping myself on my own journey and not comparing my learning style, my deliveries, my learning pace with everyone else. That’s a huge problem for me. And when I do this, it means that 24/7, it’s all around me. In my face all the time. Everyone is always studying here (including me) and if I allow myself to compare compare compare myself to others, it’s pretty demoralizing. I know not to.
I found a good study partner early in the week but it’s hard to nail her down. However, she did help me find a good memorization technique. I am learning more and more about how my brain processes this kind of raw/straight data. It’s coming easier every day. The big thing is I can’t be here in the hotel with 100 distractions and all these other people practicing. I think that’s a big one. I also need to dissect the information.
So last week I nailed Balancing stick and actually had a SUCCESS. I think hindsight they all weren’t too bad, but I was too busy noticing that I’m not verbatim like the people who obviously learn it super fast in my group. I was too busy not looking at my strong points to see that even before balancing stick, I was doing okay. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be a verbatim chica here in posture clinics. So what. So the leads will tell me “get more precision. Keep studying.” Well. No shit, right? Like I was going to stop, eh? No.
Relaxing and just allowing isn’t as easy as it seems for me. So, Wednesday this week I nailed it and had a strong, personality filled delivery. I said it fast, I said all the bolded words with power and I was amazing. And when they told me more precision, I said, “You know what. This was my BEST delivery yet. My best. I just want to say that. And I’m proud of myself!” And my whole group cheered for me and confirmed from the walls around me, and it was a good feeling to know that they were all rooting for me. Then Thursday… my hell day. I got sick because Wednesday night Bikram had us watch a Bollywood movie until 4AM and I caught my room mate’s nasty sinus cold. We were in the lecture hall room with the microphone (which excited me, I love microphones)… but it was my worst delivery ever because Mohawk chick who said nice things to everyone but me made a comment that I let get under my skin. Go figure, I guess I was also premenstrual, sick, tired, and could not berathe through my nose. I blanked and didn’t keep going 4 separate times, which for me was a first. My only saving grace in my head previously was that I would never stop and I’d always get my mock students out of the posture… and this time I just blanked and blanked and blanked. I kept hearing her comment “precision” that she told me before my delivery and all the sudden the words were gone. And I’d really studied, I’d had it, at least enough to get them in and out of the posture, right?
Awful. Then I demonstrated and it was a forward bending upside down type posture … 3 demonstrations later my sinuses were twice as bad and I couldn’t breathe at all for real. I saw down with my homies in the hotel chairs because it was not a cabana but the actual hotel lecture hall. What the chick said when I was processing what happened on stage was semi rude to me but I reacted to it way more. I’d write it but I am trying to write this before my 830 Monday class. Yesterday I studied triangle before bed instead of writing in blog, shock shock. I woke up with it in my head, and I was happy about this. “Right arm stretch down, left arm stretch up….” Type stuff as I woke up. Good sign I guess. Thursday, I just ended up tearing up, being so frustrated, tired, sick, upset - until Kanako noticed in my group… and she came over and gave me the tightest, sweetest hug. That was the tipping point. Then the waterworks came and I knew that if I didn’t leave, everyone would hear LOUD sniffling because with a clogged sinus, you cannot get away with silently doing this. I got up and went to the ladies room and found that tons of ladies coming to pee were very supportive. I just wanted to get it over with, the awful feeling of “why can’t I just stick some words in my head long enough to spit them out” I didn’t even know why I was really just all weepy. I think I’ve never felt as sick as I felt on Thursday, either. Friday was pretty much drama too, but we got the night off so I went to dinner with the posse and came back and studied triangle with Karen, my roomie. That was awesome. All in all Friday wasn’t my favorite, but I was happy to have the night off. I think hearing Gordon and Ann Marie mention they were disappointed at having the night off because they wanted to deliver triangle - when I hadn’t even looked at it. It was the only one I hadn’t looked at ahead of time so I was going to have to learn it in our dinner break and deliver afterwards… so when they gave us the night off, I was really happy. When I’m around super perfectionist around here, I tend to get a little angry. I can’t help but want to maybe slip them some kind of potion that helps them drop several lines ……..
Anyway. It’s not about that. Then as the weekend came, I began to relax, began to start learning more postures on my own time, Billy helped me study, so that was good. I see when people say “they have’ a posture, it’s not 100% for everyone . Just the perfectionists, and I realize I’m not really that far behind anyone. It doesn’t even matter where I am. It doesn’t matter at all. I just need to relax and be ready for this week. Bikram will be lecturing I think, or we will have double posture clinics. It’s all going to be fine, and I look forward to the end of week. I booked a flight for Jim, so he can help me study and we’ll hang out around LA because he’s never been here. The idea of just having a few minutes to lay with someone … sounds really nice. I miss leaning on someone harmlessly when I’m tired. I miss a lot of things, at this point. A month here has been awesome. I love the weather in So cal, I can’t help it. I’m going to be sad to freeze in Washington when I get home. But that’s ok. I went shopping this weekend, paid my bills, bought a couple of yoga shorts from visiting vendors, tidied my hotel room, basically relaxed while studying my dialogue. I always feel like I could have studied more, but that’s usually when I see someone else’s progress. I just have to really focus on not giving a shit about anyone but me. This is all for me. I have 5 more weeks and I can’t waste them on worrying about anyone else. And I don’t give a damn what those leads tell me. Take the good and drop the bad. That’s what I gotta work on. Although admittedly I did well with that except for Thursday. I think it was just all around a BADDAY(tm) for me - I was off on all levels. And getting more photos with varying yogi friends here, and a couple of other things. But now I better get a quick bit of fuel before my first class. I am wearing some new shorts to class this morning. This week is going to be ok. Especially if this illness can just leave me. It’s mostly gone….
-Angela
I found a good study partner early in the week but it’s hard to nail her down. However, she did help me find a good memorization technique. I am learning more and more about how my brain processes this kind of raw/straight data. It’s coming easier every day. The big thing is I can’t be here in the hotel with 100 distractions and all these other people practicing. I think that’s a big one. I also need to dissect the information.
So last week I nailed Balancing stick and actually had a SUCCESS. I think hindsight they all weren’t too bad, but I was too busy noticing that I’m not verbatim like the people who obviously learn it super fast in my group. I was too busy not looking at my strong points to see that even before balancing stick, I was doing okay. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be a verbatim chica here in posture clinics. So what. So the leads will tell me “get more precision. Keep studying.” Well. No shit, right? Like I was going to stop, eh? No.
Relaxing and just allowing isn’t as easy as it seems for me. So, Wednesday this week I nailed it and had a strong, personality filled delivery. I said it fast, I said all the bolded words with power and I was amazing. And when they told me more precision, I said, “You know what. This was my BEST delivery yet. My best. I just want to say that. And I’m proud of myself!” And my whole group cheered for me and confirmed from the walls around me, and it was a good feeling to know that they were all rooting for me. Then Thursday… my hell day. I got sick because Wednesday night Bikram had us watch a Bollywood movie until 4AM and I caught my room mate’s nasty sinus cold. We were in the lecture hall room with the microphone (which excited me, I love microphones)… but it was my worst delivery ever because Mohawk chick who said nice things to everyone but me made a comment that I let get under my skin. Go figure, I guess I was also premenstrual, sick, tired, and could not berathe through my nose. I blanked and didn’t keep going 4 separate times, which for me was a first. My only saving grace in my head previously was that I would never stop and I’d always get my mock students out of the posture… and this time I just blanked and blanked and blanked. I kept hearing her comment “precision” that she told me before my delivery and all the sudden the words were gone. And I’d really studied, I’d had it, at least enough to get them in and out of the posture, right?
Awful. Then I demonstrated and it was a forward bending upside down type posture … 3 demonstrations later my sinuses were twice as bad and I couldn’t breathe at all for real. I saw down with my homies in the hotel chairs because it was not a cabana but the actual hotel lecture hall. What the chick said when I was processing what happened on stage was semi rude to me but I reacted to it way more. I’d write it but I am trying to write this before my 830 Monday class. Yesterday I studied triangle before bed instead of writing in blog, shock shock. I woke up with it in my head, and I was happy about this. “Right arm stretch down, left arm stretch up….” Type stuff as I woke up. Good sign I guess. Thursday, I just ended up tearing up, being so frustrated, tired, sick, upset - until Kanako noticed in my group… and she came over and gave me the tightest, sweetest hug. That was the tipping point. Then the waterworks came and I knew that if I didn’t leave, everyone would hear LOUD sniffling because with a clogged sinus, you cannot get away with silently doing this. I got up and went to the ladies room and found that tons of ladies coming to pee were very supportive. I just wanted to get it over with, the awful feeling of “why can’t I just stick some words in my head long enough to spit them out” I didn’t even know why I was really just all weepy. I think I’ve never felt as sick as I felt on Thursday, either. Friday was pretty much drama too, but we got the night off so I went to dinner with the posse and came back and studied triangle with Karen, my roomie. That was awesome. All in all Friday wasn’t my favorite, but I was happy to have the night off. I think hearing Gordon and Ann Marie mention they were disappointed at having the night off because they wanted to deliver triangle - when I hadn’t even looked at it. It was the only one I hadn’t looked at ahead of time so I was going to have to learn it in our dinner break and deliver afterwards… so when they gave us the night off, I was really happy. When I’m around super perfectionist around here, I tend to get a little angry. I can’t help but want to maybe slip them some kind of potion that helps them drop several lines ……..
Anyway. It’s not about that. Then as the weekend came, I began to relax, began to start learning more postures on my own time, Billy helped me study, so that was good. I see when people say “they have’ a posture, it’s not 100% for everyone . Just the perfectionists, and I realize I’m not really that far behind anyone. It doesn’t even matter where I am. It doesn’t matter at all. I just need to relax and be ready for this week. Bikram will be lecturing I think, or we will have double posture clinics. It’s all going to be fine, and I look forward to the end of week. I booked a flight for Jim, so he can help me study and we’ll hang out around LA because he’s never been here. The idea of just having a few minutes to lay with someone … sounds really nice. I miss leaning on someone harmlessly when I’m tired. I miss a lot of things, at this point. A month here has been awesome. I love the weather in So cal, I can’t help it. I’m going to be sad to freeze in Washington when I get home. But that’s ok. I went shopping this weekend, paid my bills, bought a couple of yoga shorts from visiting vendors, tidied my hotel room, basically relaxed while studying my dialogue. I always feel like I could have studied more, but that’s usually when I see someone else’s progress. I just have to really focus on not giving a shit about anyone but me. This is all for me. I have 5 more weeks and I can’t waste them on worrying about anyone else. And I don’t give a damn what those leads tell me. Take the good and drop the bad. That’s what I gotta work on. Although admittedly I did well with that except for Thursday. I think it was just all around a BADDAY(tm) for me - I was off on all levels. And getting more photos with varying yogi friends here, and a couple of other things. But now I better get a quick bit of fuel before my first class. I am wearing some new shorts to class this morning. This week is going to be ok. Especially if this illness can just leave me. It’s mostly gone….
-Angela