(no subject)
I remember crying when Sarah moved to Seattle.
Everytime she would call or write, I would start crying.
I never wanted to say goodbye.
When she left the first time, I wouldn't even say bye to her. She gave me a hug. I stood there defiant.
I think I had convinced myself that if I didn't say bye, she wouldn't really leave.
I cried for months after she left, because I was in ruins. I couldn't believe she'd abandoned me at such a bad time. Everything was changing, and everyone in my family had shunned me for weeks.
I always asked when she was coming home. I waited at the window wall for her.
I sat outside and cried everytime she drove away, leaving me stranded from anyone less than a country away.
That was years ago, even though it doesn't feel that long. Now I don't remember when she's coming into town, let alone when she leaves. I usually sleep through her entrance or exit, and sometimes I'm not even here. Only once in the last couple of years have I felt the urge to cry when she called to tell me she was leaving for Eugene (her new home).
I've been really depressed lately. Some of you know this, some of you don't. It got to where social interactions hurt me physically. Then, I got to the point where I couldn't go to school. I stayed home for days, and ever since I've begged not to go back. It's been weeks since I haven't cried when I'm up in my room, thinking about the hell I was going to have to go through the next day. I can go out with my friends and function, now, but as soon as Saturday rolls around, I no longer feel that relief that Saturdays used to bring. It's the one day with nothing school related: none the day of, and none the next day. Now I ache knowing that there's only one more day before I have to go to school again. I've stopped doing my work. I've gotten horrible second semester grades, thus far, and I've been seeing Dr. Gibson regularly. My mom nearly has to shove my meds down my throat. I don't know why I resist, but something in my head tells me I need to.
I have fucked up dreams, and I remember them vividly, though for some reason I keep telling people I don't.
I felt the need to type all of this because Sarah went through the same thing with school. She had physical pain when she thought about having to go back. She cried all the time, and she refused to be a poster child.
She's been calling me regularly now. We used to go for months without a word to one another. I can tell she really cares, but when I'm talking to her, I can't force myself to mind. She talked to me tonight; I know she's upset. She thinks she has no friends in Oregon. She doesn't feel she has a place she can go to right now, because life in Seattle went on without her, so she has no comfort zone to return to.
Her voice cracked and I knew she was crying. My family, with exceptions, has been nice to me lately. Being paranoid, I wonder if there is some kind of plot. There has been so much shit lately that it's hard for me to trust people's intentions.
I wish I could be nice to people back.
I know I'm not perfect, and things have been shit lately, so I've been shitty to everyone. I feel for Sarah, because I know how she feels.
I felt abandoned over the summer like you couldn't believe. I still cry over old memories, and it makes me sick sometimes to think about how I was during summer, when I had nothing to do. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go anywhere. There was no escape from abuse. I did something over my birthday. It wasn't much, and people really didn't remember it was my birthday, but when they did, they were sincere in their wishes. I like that. I barely hung out with them, and they still made politeness known.
I started out talking about Sarah, and I really had a point to this entry. However, one I started typing, I didn't stop. I just freewrote, and I feel better. Sometimes I feel selfish for writing and saying "I" too much. but then I realized I don't care because none of you have to read this. Call me selfish, make me the enemy, but somehow right now, I don't seem to care.
Everytime she would call or write, I would start crying.
I never wanted to say goodbye.
When she left the first time, I wouldn't even say bye to her. She gave me a hug. I stood there defiant.
I think I had convinced myself that if I didn't say bye, she wouldn't really leave.
I cried for months after she left, because I was in ruins. I couldn't believe she'd abandoned me at such a bad time. Everything was changing, and everyone in my family had shunned me for weeks.
I always asked when she was coming home. I waited at the window wall for her.
I sat outside and cried everytime she drove away, leaving me stranded from anyone less than a country away.
That was years ago, even though it doesn't feel that long. Now I don't remember when she's coming into town, let alone when she leaves. I usually sleep through her entrance or exit, and sometimes I'm not even here. Only once in the last couple of years have I felt the urge to cry when she called to tell me she was leaving for Eugene (her new home).
I've been really depressed lately. Some of you know this, some of you don't. It got to where social interactions hurt me physically. Then, I got to the point where I couldn't go to school. I stayed home for days, and ever since I've begged not to go back. It's been weeks since I haven't cried when I'm up in my room, thinking about the hell I was going to have to go through the next day. I can go out with my friends and function, now, but as soon as Saturday rolls around, I no longer feel that relief that Saturdays used to bring. It's the one day with nothing school related: none the day of, and none the next day. Now I ache knowing that there's only one more day before I have to go to school again. I've stopped doing my work. I've gotten horrible second semester grades, thus far, and I've been seeing Dr. Gibson regularly. My mom nearly has to shove my meds down my throat. I don't know why I resist, but something in my head tells me I need to.
I have fucked up dreams, and I remember them vividly, though for some reason I keep telling people I don't.
I felt the need to type all of this because Sarah went through the same thing with school. She had physical pain when she thought about having to go back. She cried all the time, and she refused to be a poster child.
She's been calling me regularly now. We used to go for months without a word to one another. I can tell she really cares, but when I'm talking to her, I can't force myself to mind. She talked to me tonight; I know she's upset. She thinks she has no friends in Oregon. She doesn't feel she has a place she can go to right now, because life in Seattle went on without her, so she has no comfort zone to return to.
Her voice cracked and I knew she was crying. My family, with exceptions, has been nice to me lately. Being paranoid, I wonder if there is some kind of plot. There has been so much shit lately that it's hard for me to trust people's intentions.
I wish I could be nice to people back.
I know I'm not perfect, and things have been shit lately, so I've been shitty to everyone. I feel for Sarah, because I know how she feels.
I felt abandoned over the summer like you couldn't believe. I still cry over old memories, and it makes me sick sometimes to think about how I was during summer, when I had nothing to do. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't go anywhere. There was no escape from abuse. I did something over my birthday. It wasn't much, and people really didn't remember it was my birthday, but when they did, they were sincere in their wishes. I like that. I barely hung out with them, and they still made politeness known.
I started out talking about Sarah, and I really had a point to this entry. However, one I started typing, I didn't stop. I just freewrote, and I feel better. Sometimes I feel selfish for writing and saying "I" too much. but then I realized I don't care because none of you have to read this. Call me selfish, make me the enemy, but somehow right now, I don't seem to care.