Music
I've been listening to Clint Mansell and Nico Muhly quite a bit over the past few days. Their music evokes deep feelings of loss which begs the question what did I lose? Is it love, pride, self respect, purpose or something deeper. As far back as I can remember I've felt this loss. As I became an adult I found art that helped me articulate these feelings of loss such as Mansell and Muhly. I feel cheapened whenever I share art I really love with others, invariably people call it too academic or theoretical. What does this mean about me? Is my soul too academic, too clincal? Is the alienation of my childhood really effecting me this much? Has it broken my ability to forge real relationships? I do sometimes feel that the relationships I have with people are simulations, very highly detailed but still simulations. I guess I bought too much into the idea of the Simulacrum, that the simulation can be more the real than the actual.
I used to be angry at the world for cheating me out of real relationships with people. As I grew older I started making fun of the world, it was more effective than being angry. Time passed and I have now come to the conclusion that I wasn't cheated out of anything. Hardly anyone I know has what I want. Not even the richest, most powerful people in the world have what I want. I'm begining to wonder if this is some kind of "holy grail"?
Over this period of starvation certain things have been made clear. Namely that what I search for I have possesed for moments in the past. The inherent nature of what I want is ephemeral and that should teach me something. The journey of life is filled with great sadness yet it is this road we must take to attain the most precious of all things: eternal joy, grace and love. I have possed love, joy and grace at differnt times to varying and lesser degrees but each time my hunger for it grows. Looking into the eyes of the person you love, feeling the pain of a friend in need, growing a garden, feeding the hungry, feeling totally helpless and knowing there are billions of people feeling the same way are all doorways to grace. I'm going to stop worrying about the things I have no control over and concentrate on the things in my life where I can affect positive change.
Nico Muhly
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=44950656
Clint Mansell
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=29604174
I used to be angry at the world for cheating me out of real relationships with people. As I grew older I started making fun of the world, it was more effective than being angry. Time passed and I have now come to the conclusion that I wasn't cheated out of anything. Hardly anyone I know has what I want. Not even the richest, most powerful people in the world have what I want. I'm begining to wonder if this is some kind of "holy grail"?
Over this period of starvation certain things have been made clear. Namely that what I search for I have possesed for moments in the past. The inherent nature of what I want is ephemeral and that should teach me something. The journey of life is filled with great sadness yet it is this road we must take to attain the most precious of all things: eternal joy, grace and love. I have possed love, joy and grace at differnt times to varying and lesser degrees but each time my hunger for it grows. Looking into the eyes of the person you love, feeling the pain of a friend in need, growing a garden, feeding the hungry, feeling totally helpless and knowing there are billions of people feeling the same way are all doorways to grace. I'm going to stop worrying about the things I have no control over and concentrate on the things in my life where I can affect positive change.
Nico Muhly
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=44950656
Clint Mansell
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=29604174