distressed
Well folks, I'm now officially a brother of APO. I'm sorta glad, and slightly uncertain at the same time.I was so nervous that i made myself sick. But it doesn't really matter. It wasn't as awful as they had convinced me it would be.HEH. don't let me fool you though, it was nervwracking as hell, and i wonder if i want to keep the status. I mean sure it's fun and all... But i'm not sure i have the money in my life. I don't even have enough to go and buy food should i need some. But hey, it's all good.
APO is not the reason i'm distressed. I'm distressed because i'm starting to think about someone that i have not been thinking about in a long time, and i have a knot in the bottom of my stomach due to thinking about him. Why oh why do i feel like this? It's not like we ever really had a chance, as much as i wish we could have. But now... i feel like i need someone more than ever, and the scary thing is i'm starting to wish that i had him. THAT will NEVER happen. I don't deserve him, or maybe, he doesn't deserve me. After all, he's the one that's stopped contact. I've tried to write to him, but it's like he never get's my messages. Maybe i shouldn't care. But honestly, i can't help but care.
Then there's also the fact that i have so many people to care about, and so many people that care about me. It's just as well. As long as someone cares, i can try to keep myself away from the edge that i so often dream of leaping from. Luckily I have yet to leap and fly. After all, one can not fly with wings.
OK ........
so maybe i'm a mixture of emotions at the moment, there is nothing wrong with it, not a thing at all wrong. After all, am at the point in my life where change is inevitable. I attempt to embrace it, as i know i should, but i still feel like i'm missing something when i do. Where do i fit into the equation, i really don't understand that. And it's starting to bother me. After all if i do not have a place in the world, why am i really here? I'm not reallys ure at the moment. But i wish someone could tell me.... but am afraid that someone would tell me...and that i would be afraid. Afraid of what i would have to do.
after all, no one wants to hurt anyone else, and i'd rather die before having to hurt someone if i could avoide it... at least that's how i feel right now.
APO is not the reason i'm distressed. I'm distressed because i'm starting to think about someone that i have not been thinking about in a long time, and i have a knot in the bottom of my stomach due to thinking about him. Why oh why do i feel like this? It's not like we ever really had a chance, as much as i wish we could have. But now... i feel like i need someone more than ever, and the scary thing is i'm starting to wish that i had him. THAT will NEVER happen. I don't deserve him, or maybe, he doesn't deserve me. After all, he's the one that's stopped contact. I've tried to write to him, but it's like he never get's my messages. Maybe i shouldn't care. But honestly, i can't help but care.
Then there's also the fact that i have so many people to care about, and so many people that care about me. It's just as well. As long as someone cares, i can try to keep myself away from the edge that i so often dream of leaping from. Luckily I have yet to leap and fly. After all, one can not fly with wings.
OK ........
so maybe i'm a mixture of emotions at the moment, there is nothing wrong with it, not a thing at all wrong. After all, am at the point in my life where change is inevitable. I attempt to embrace it, as i know i should, but i still feel like i'm missing something when i do. Where do i fit into the equation, i really don't understand that. And it's starting to bother me. After all if i do not have a place in the world, why am i really here? I'm not reallys ure at the moment. But i wish someone could tell me.... but am afraid that someone would tell me...and that i would be afraid. Afraid of what i would have to do.
after all, no one wants to hurt anyone else, and i'd rather die before having to hurt someone if i could avoide it... at least that's how i feel right now.