2011
Hello everyone and Happy Belated New Year to you all. I will miss 2010....how do I feel? I feel like I TOTALLY wasted my entire 2010. In that year it was a HUGE roller-coaster for me. Ups and downs. Happy moment. Sad moment. They were all there. But all in all it was a descent year for me. Tiring mental and physically but it okay. But I have to say and admit I miss my adventures moment with my ex...Faiz. But those moment has ended and now we're friend who we can turn to when we are lost. Neither the less whatever happen he was a good bf even thou he does suckass a lot in so many things but now he's a good friend of mine.
I miss arguing with that kid...! Hahahaha.
In 2010 I was hoping something would cure, something i could let go. But it still there....I'm still the same person who likes meeting new people. But i'm still afraid of friendship. Still afraid to make more deeper and closer relationship with my friends. Due to the past...friends who has mistreated me, has misuses me, mistreated my trust, mistreat my love. backstab me after i gone through the trouble for them cuz i love them, bcuz their friend. Step on me and threw me away. Ever since that I have hard time trusting people. I have even more difficult time trying to open up to friends, share my fear, share my trouble time with them. I have hard time wanting to be close to them. Even thou who i called close friend, best friend. I tend to take a step back from them. It like..."We,re close friend...best friend...but that all. I can't let you step further in my life and in my heart." I'm scared to be mistreated, scared to be heart broken again. scared to trust like i once did. My problem is that I love people....my friends way too easily. I thought my scars heal already. But 2010 shows that I haven't. I always find myself struggling with this. Keep telling myself to let go of this fear, let it heal. But I guess the past was too much for me. Kim always keep telling me, "If you have a problem come talk to me." I want....But firstly...I dunno how. Second...I'm scared to create that deep friendship with people. I feel terrible...I'm always there for my friends. But when my friends tries to be there for me I push them away. Not directly thou. But I feel like I push them away. I don't know how to heal this scar....but I'm gonna try again this year. Maybe...Maybe I do need to sit down with Kim and Neon and maybe some others about this...they need to know this trauma I'm having for many years. Now I think about it...I don't want bcuz of my past I loose the one I have now. But how do i start the conversation? I dunno.....
2010 has been nothing but alot of people getting married. Now people asking me when is my turn. Back then I wanted to get married at the age of 25. Well, i am now but still no one that i feel ready for. Seeing my cousin gotten married few days ago make me given up on marriage (she's my age). Haha. I really don't see me getting married and I like not being attach deeply with anyone right now.
Enough of all that. What my resolution? Hmmm...This year I haven't thought much about it. Exercise. I have inherit diabetes on my mother side so i should start exercising and eating healthy food. My cat Tyre has been gone more than 3 days....I'm worried about him...I wanna cry. Where is he...? Crawly who is 7 years old has been showing....BAD sign. Stay strong Crawly. You have Kittens who need you! I want to type more. But I think I'll save most of them later.
I miss arguing with that kid...! Hahahaha.
In 2010 I was hoping something would cure, something i could let go. But it still there....I'm still the same person who likes meeting new people. But i'm still afraid of friendship. Still afraid to make more deeper and closer relationship with my friends. Due to the past...friends who has mistreated me, has misuses me, mistreated my trust, mistreat my love. backstab me after i gone through the trouble for them cuz i love them, bcuz their friend. Step on me and threw me away. Ever since that I have hard time trusting people. I have even more difficult time trying to open up to friends, share my fear, share my trouble time with them. I have hard time wanting to be close to them. Even thou who i called close friend, best friend. I tend to take a step back from them. It like..."We,re close friend...best friend...but that all. I can't let you step further in my life and in my heart." I'm scared to be mistreated, scared to be heart broken again. scared to trust like i once did. My problem is that I love people....my friends way too easily. I thought my scars heal already. But 2010 shows that I haven't. I always find myself struggling with this. Keep telling myself to let go of this fear, let it heal. But I guess the past was too much for me. Kim always keep telling me, "If you have a problem come talk to me." I want....But firstly...I dunno how. Second...I'm scared to create that deep friendship with people. I feel terrible...I'm always there for my friends. But when my friends tries to be there for me I push them away. Not directly thou. But I feel like I push them away. I don't know how to heal this scar....but I'm gonna try again this year. Maybe...Maybe I do need to sit down with Kim and Neon and maybe some others about this...they need to know this trauma I'm having for many years. Now I think about it...I don't want bcuz of my past I loose the one I have now. But how do i start the conversation? I dunno.....
2010 has been nothing but alot of people getting married. Now people asking me when is my turn. Back then I wanted to get married at the age of 25. Well, i am now but still no one that i feel ready for. Seeing my cousin gotten married few days ago make me given up on marriage (she's my age). Haha. I really don't see me getting married and I like not being attach deeply with anyone right now.
Enough of all that. What my resolution? Hmmm...This year I haven't thought much about it. Exercise. I have inherit diabetes on my mother side so i should start exercising and eating healthy food. My cat Tyre has been gone more than 3 days....I'm worried about him...I wanna cry. Where is he...? Crawly who is 7 years old has been showing....BAD sign. Stay strong Crawly. You have Kittens who need you! I want to type more. But I think I'll save most of them later.