Still more on boring personal development
My depression is pretty bad at the moment. In fact, it's probably a case of "My depression from 2011-12 has not gone away, it just got more manageable/I started distracting myself more". It doesn't help that I'm being hit by bank charges every month, don't know my exact plans for September and need to sort them out (either an Access course plus an A2 English or some open university plus that, and reapplying to university YET AGAIN, for either English, Classics or Theology), and some social badness which I do not understand has either a) gone down about me or b) has gone down generally but I am depressed and paranoid enough to obsess about it and think it is about me. I currently try and remind myself that most people don't think about me obsessively about three times a day. I am not that interesting. Frequently the most exciting thing that happens was that I found a book I used to read during revision breaks at 15 is STILL IN THE LIBRARY. Or I buy a hat. That's about the limit of it.
I'm drawing back a bit (well, a lot) from social justice work at the moment for two reasons. 1) I really do not have the energy required at the moment for most of it. 2) I have a tendency to live my life trying not to piss anyone off at all. This is impossible. All that happens is I try not to upset people, people get upset anyway, I feel righteously angry about the fact that they don't realise I was trying not to upset them (and fail to parse what in my actions was deeply insensitive/hurtful), rinse and repeat ending in a complete lack of self insight, lingering bitterness on all sides and a total lack of self confidence, or, lets face it, sense of self because I am always trying to portray an image of moral perfection while BEING AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING. And at the same time, not getting anything done in the gradual "level up to being a self sufficient and mildly likeable adult" stakes because I'm convinced I'm basically Tom Ripley, but one who has decided to be on the side of the angels. THIS IS A DAFT SYSTEM. However much I may obsess over my aim/fear of being a charming and glib sociopath who happens to have chosen Goodness, it does not make me any better at the basic skills of 1) getting on with people who are mildly annoying 2) managing a budget or 3) having a goddamn career plan which is not ""Be Orson Welles crossed with Robespierre". That is an unrealistic aim for a 24 year old, autistic, school drop out with mental health problems who should actually be focussing on having his own life. Welles wasn't trying to be Irving. Robespierre wasn't trying to be Cromwell (to the best of my knowledge).
I'm drawing back a bit (well, a lot) from social justice work at the moment for two reasons. 1) I really do not have the energy required at the moment for most of it. 2) I have a tendency to live my life trying not to piss anyone off at all. This is impossible. All that happens is I try not to upset people, people get upset anyway, I feel righteously angry about the fact that they don't realise I was trying not to upset them (and fail to parse what in my actions was deeply insensitive/hurtful), rinse and repeat ending in a complete lack of self insight, lingering bitterness on all sides and a total lack of self confidence, or, lets face it, sense of self because I am always trying to portray an image of moral perfection while BEING AN AWFUL HUMAN BEING. And at the same time, not getting anything done in the gradual "level up to being a self sufficient and mildly likeable adult" stakes because I'm convinced I'm basically Tom Ripley, but one who has decided to be on the side of the angels. THIS IS A DAFT SYSTEM. However much I may obsess over my aim/fear of being a charming and glib sociopath who happens to have chosen Goodness, it does not make me any better at the basic skills of 1) getting on with people who are mildly annoying 2) managing a budget or 3) having a goddamn career plan which is not ""Be Orson Welles crossed with Robespierre". That is an unrealistic aim for a 24 year old, autistic, school drop out with mental health problems who should actually be focussing on having his own life. Welles wasn't trying to be Irving. Robespierre wasn't trying to be Cromwell (to the best of my knowledge).