next in line, pt. 1 - short story
Okay, so here's an unprecedented event: I've actually been working, for a month or two, on a story with original characters. It involves the beloved Leech, as well as his previously unknown father and the father's family. It's very much a work in progress, but I'm going to post the first part here and, depending on the feedback, probably will
( Read more... )
I'm rereading it and liking it better than the first time, as a matter of fact. I'm not sure if it's the centered lines that makes me feel like I skipped important words, or what...
Lesse. One thing is POV, which skips around a little bit, i think. This might only be my personal preference, but I think you hop from third person close, to third omnisceint too often-- maybe? At least, in the same paragraph. The first para, where Leech is stomping to the cafe-- we are in his head, and then we get dumped outside to see the 'short man with slinky grace' and then put back in his head right after that!
My idea to deal with that is that Leech might be very selfconcious and often sees himself from the outside-- he thinks of himself as a short man with slinky grace. Vanity is a very sexy character flaw, IMO ;) and Leech might be that kind of vain. he doesn't get much else, god knows...
That gives you a very nice little gimmick to play with, the unreliable witness. The hostess might not actually give a damn about his looks, but Leech wants her to, and imagines it, perhaps.
I'll come back by-- have to run off for a while...
let me know if this is useful to you at all!
Reply
The past tense that I use is usually something to sum up a lot of activity in a few short paragraphs - it doesn't feel right to me, to do that in present tense. I'm trying not to focus too much on one person's point of view, which is probably very confusing. I'll play around, see if I can't fix that. It is difficult NOT to jump in Leech's head now and then, though - I'm quite at home, there.
It is very useful, and I thank you immensely for giving me more than a cop-out response.
I'm trying to get together a small group of original slash fiction writers who are willing to review, critique, peer edit and support each other - it seems most original stories I write don't get near the response that my fan fiction gets, which is understandable, but disappointing. I was hoping you might want to be part of such a group. I'm waiting for feedback to see whether it's worth making a community, though. Let me know what you think about that.
Reply
Leave a comment