are you the now or never kind?
I don't know what to do with myself still.
i find this feeling to be quite unsettling and depressing. because thinking about it just now, thinking of typing into the IM box to a friend "what am i going to do with my life?"
realizing that my friends can't answer that question for me... I'm the only one who can really do that. but i don't have the answers either. its so scary to not know what the hells going on... or when there will be ANY goings on. I'm laying here in my bed... in my clothes... at 1:30am... contemplating either staying awake or just not moving and falling asleep right here, in my clothes.. cuz whats the difference anyway, honestly?
aside from my current dilemma about whether or not to go to sleep... there's the what am i going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next day? question...
and i honestly don't know... and i'm in such a slump in general, i don't know what to do with myself or when i'm going to know what i'm doing with myself. or when i'm going to START doing something with myself. I really can't picture myself doing anything right now... i kind of wish i could just lay here in the fetal position until something falls in my lap. because i don't have the energy or drive to really be out there looking for it anymore. its just so frustrating. i just really... i don't know...
i would seriously contemplate moving back to michigan if it didn't seem like it would be more of a pain in the ass... and also if i didn't know that i would hate everything so much more just knowing that i, just like all the people i rant about, moved back to the blackhole that is midland.
I go on and on and on about michigan and midland being a blackhole that so many people leave and inevitably end up coming back and working at walmart or the gas station on M20... i REFUSE to be one of those people... but the past couple days thats honestly been all that i want... just to be back in my parents house with the security of knowing i have nothing to worry about... i have a roof over my head that i'm not paying for and there are people in the house so its not just me listening to all the crazy loud latinos (that stare at me everyday) outside my window all day long... i'm so fucking lonely in the apartment.
and seriously moving back home wouldn't be a terrible idea (aside from the aforementioned of course) because really, what do i have thats HERE in Los Angeles? Nothing... i have Richard: who's leaving in 4 months, jamie: who's moving to long beach and is already too far away for my jobless self to drive to hang out with, matt: who's moving back to chicago in a couple months anyway, i WANT to have Ryan: who's AMAZINGLY thick-headed and will probably never get it. i'm destined to be "that friend" you know, the one you see posting in post secret all the time... there's a MILLION posts a day like "i like/am in love with/want/etc my friend, and he will never know..." or something to that extent.
OHEMGEE PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME BE THAT FRIEND.
i just really don't understand life in general right now. i just really want to go home and chill for a few weeks... but MAN! I can't just CHILL. why?! because when i inevitably come back to Los Angeles, i STILL don't have a job... and that will be 3 weeks of hanging out in michigan in which i will have made NO MONEY to pay my June rent (the last full month thank GOD)
i can't even form any full on thoughts... this is how effed up i am right now. I started a jacket two days ago.. and i can't bring myself to even work on the damn thing... there are a about 10 photographers who contacted me on modelmayhem.com and want to do some shoots, but i have no clothes for the shoots... that should be motivation- NO, the fact that i dont' have money should be motivation to make something and sell it, but is it? no.
adlaskufsdoiuafsedlkfjsdlk;;fjsldkjf!!!
please God, show me where i am supposed to be going with this. I feel INCREDIBLY lost in my own life (or lack thereof).
i find this feeling to be quite unsettling and depressing. because thinking about it just now, thinking of typing into the IM box to a friend "what am i going to do with my life?"
realizing that my friends can't answer that question for me... I'm the only one who can really do that. but i don't have the answers either. its so scary to not know what the hells going on... or when there will be ANY goings on. I'm laying here in my bed... in my clothes... at 1:30am... contemplating either staying awake or just not moving and falling asleep right here, in my clothes.. cuz whats the difference anyway, honestly?
aside from my current dilemma about whether or not to go to sleep... there's the what am i going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next day? question...
and i honestly don't know... and i'm in such a slump in general, i don't know what to do with myself or when i'm going to know what i'm doing with myself. or when i'm going to START doing something with myself. I really can't picture myself doing anything right now... i kind of wish i could just lay here in the fetal position until something falls in my lap. because i don't have the energy or drive to really be out there looking for it anymore. its just so frustrating. i just really... i don't know...
i would seriously contemplate moving back to michigan if it didn't seem like it would be more of a pain in the ass... and also if i didn't know that i would hate everything so much more just knowing that i, just like all the people i rant about, moved back to the blackhole that is midland.
I go on and on and on about michigan and midland being a blackhole that so many people leave and inevitably end up coming back and working at walmart or the gas station on M20... i REFUSE to be one of those people... but the past couple days thats honestly been all that i want... just to be back in my parents house with the security of knowing i have nothing to worry about... i have a roof over my head that i'm not paying for and there are people in the house so its not just me listening to all the crazy loud latinos (that stare at me everyday) outside my window all day long... i'm so fucking lonely in the apartment.
and seriously moving back home wouldn't be a terrible idea (aside from the aforementioned of course) because really, what do i have thats HERE in Los Angeles? Nothing... i have Richard: who's leaving in 4 months, jamie: who's moving to long beach and is already too far away for my jobless self to drive to hang out with, matt: who's moving back to chicago in a couple months anyway, i WANT to have Ryan: who's AMAZINGLY thick-headed and will probably never get it. i'm destined to be "that friend" you know, the one you see posting in post secret all the time... there's a MILLION posts a day like "i like/am in love with/want/etc my friend, and he will never know..." or something to that extent.
OHEMGEE PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME BE THAT FRIEND.
i just really don't understand life in general right now. i just really want to go home and chill for a few weeks... but MAN! I can't just CHILL. why?! because when i inevitably come back to Los Angeles, i STILL don't have a job... and that will be 3 weeks of hanging out in michigan in which i will have made NO MONEY to pay my June rent (the last full month thank GOD)
i can't even form any full on thoughts... this is how effed up i am right now. I started a jacket two days ago.. and i can't bring myself to even work on the damn thing... there are a about 10 photographers who contacted me on modelmayhem.com and want to do some shoots, but i have no clothes for the shoots... that should be motivation- NO, the fact that i dont' have money should be motivation to make something and sell it, but is it? no.
adlaskufsdoiuafsedlkfjsdlk;;fjsldkjf!!!
please God, show me where i am supposed to be going with this. I feel INCREDIBLY lost in my own life (or lack thereof).