dont take the time if its not worth the effort
i'm throwing my hat in and removing my name from the list.
im beginning to wonder if anyone will ever see me as anything more than a friend.
i just dont get it.
the biggest assholes in the world are the ones who seem to get the farthest, i dont know why i stayed in the race for this long. its one heartbreak after another, and i just keep setting myself up for the fall. if it doesnt kill me, its supposed to make me stronger right? then why do i feel so weak and helpless? its like theres a really big point im missing, and everyone else got the memo. it makes absolutely no sense. unless everything ive ever heard about women is wrong, idealistically, i have great personality, im funny, clever and charming (at least this is what ive been told), and several people have assured me im not ugly. so there seems to be no problem, but in fact there is, and it hurts. it eats away at me so i lay awake in bed staring into the darkness above my head, i have to completely shut out all forms of light so that the pools welling up beneath my eyelids will have nothing to distort them into those ever-widening stars that manifest in the wake of my sadness. i could blame this all on the fact that im manic depressive, but it goes beyond that. there has to be something so fundamentally wrong with me that im viewed as completely and utterly untouchable by the opposite sex, otherwise i dont know why the fuck things are the way they are.
being a virgin at 18 is the least of my problems at this point.
i hate myself for even caring about such trivial pursuit of something physical that will more than likely turn out to be anything but satisfying.
i want what most people let others believe they want, so that they can control others views of them.
im not lying when i say id rather spend the entire night with my arm around my significant other than the alternative most people our age feel is necessary to evaluate themselves as an adult.
having sex does not make you mature, it does not make you older than you really are. sexual gratification is barely even something im looking forward to. i just want the late night phone calls, and the hand holding. i want to kiss someone on the lips and not have them think im inquiring as to how the night might end, and judge me as a cloven-hooved monster there and then.
i want to be with somebody just to be with them, to be myself for a change. i feel like im losing a part of myself every night i spend alone. theres this whole other side of me that im losing hold of, and once its gone, im fearful there will be no hope for its return.
signed- someone who you might have known at some point, in some way.
im beginning to wonder if anyone will ever see me as anything more than a friend.
i just dont get it.
the biggest assholes in the world are the ones who seem to get the farthest, i dont know why i stayed in the race for this long. its one heartbreak after another, and i just keep setting myself up for the fall. if it doesnt kill me, its supposed to make me stronger right? then why do i feel so weak and helpless? its like theres a really big point im missing, and everyone else got the memo. it makes absolutely no sense. unless everything ive ever heard about women is wrong, idealistically, i have great personality, im funny, clever and charming (at least this is what ive been told), and several people have assured me im not ugly. so there seems to be no problem, but in fact there is, and it hurts. it eats away at me so i lay awake in bed staring into the darkness above my head, i have to completely shut out all forms of light so that the pools welling up beneath my eyelids will have nothing to distort them into those ever-widening stars that manifest in the wake of my sadness. i could blame this all on the fact that im manic depressive, but it goes beyond that. there has to be something so fundamentally wrong with me that im viewed as completely and utterly untouchable by the opposite sex, otherwise i dont know why the fuck things are the way they are.
being a virgin at 18 is the least of my problems at this point.
i hate myself for even caring about such trivial pursuit of something physical that will more than likely turn out to be anything but satisfying.
i want what most people let others believe they want, so that they can control others views of them.
im not lying when i say id rather spend the entire night with my arm around my significant other than the alternative most people our age feel is necessary to evaluate themselves as an adult.
having sex does not make you mature, it does not make you older than you really are. sexual gratification is barely even something im looking forward to. i just want the late night phone calls, and the hand holding. i want to kiss someone on the lips and not have them think im inquiring as to how the night might end, and judge me as a cloven-hooved monster there and then.
i want to be with somebody just to be with them, to be myself for a change. i feel like im losing a part of myself every night i spend alone. theres this whole other side of me that im losing hold of, and once its gone, im fearful there will be no hope for its return.
signed- someone who you might have known at some point, in some way.