I want to have the *Greatest Love* of my life
I recently fell in love. The real kind. The true love - as cheesy as it sounds. The kind where you can't breath, where you get a lump in your throat, where when something goes wrong you have no more clue what to do and you can't make sense of anything in the world or your life. It's really amazing. But it was so hard to get there, it's actually really terrifying having to admit that you love someone more than you love your own life. It's really terrifying and it doesn't make any sense but there it is.
I say it's recent because even if it happened nearly 2 years ago, it feels like the 22 years before this was a long wait and the so-called "loves" and "4-year serious relationships" before this one were just a waste.
So this is it. This is the love of my life. I convinced myself that if this was to be the love of my life, I was going to make it the greatest love I could create and give. You only live once and I believe you can only truly love once, so if this was it - and it is - it would be amazing, epic, wonderful. It really is a decision. I think the best "loves" are the ones where you consciously think of and act on the love you feel, the ones where you make a secret pact with yourself that you will do everything you can possibly do to make that other person happy and know how much you love them.
I made that pact with myself and it's such a happy feeling. Even that sentence feels like such an understatement. It's just so fulfilling. Before this, I never knew this kind of happiness.
But it can hurt so much too. Before this, I never felt such pain.
What happens when all your life you strive towards your dreams - not just the things you want to achieve but also the kind of life you want to have and the kind of love you want to give and receive - and then one day you find that person who not only can be your companion in all of this but is also the subject of one of your dreams? What happens when you find that person who makes all the pieces make sense? All you can do is to make sure you make that dream come true by loving that person in a way that you've only dreamt of (sometimes unknowingly dreamt of), that you've only seen in movies, and that you've only seen in the way your parents love each other after 25 years.
But what happens when the other person is not "there"? What happens when, even though he knows this is forever, that "lightbulb" moment (maybe more like "fireworks" moment, or "running in the rain crying" moment) hasn't happened to him? Do you wait? I guess you do. That's the only insane-true-love thing you can do... you can't let go because you just can't. It's impossible.
But what happens after waiting? What are you supposed to do if it doesn't happen?
I don't know. I used to have this blind hope that it will happen when it does. One day he'll realize that since he also wants this to be forever, that means this will be the greatest love of his life and he wants to make it amazing, epic, wonderful.
But after many months of "comfortable, happy" love - sitting quiet, spending simple yet happy, real moments together, my senses have dulled. It's dulled to the point that before I sleep I have to think of the 5 different senses every person has just to remind myself. My heart feels exhausted, dulled and so does everything else - my eyes don't speak, my ears don't pay attention, my skin doesn't want to reach out... And I just feel like crying out: "All I want is to have and give the *Greatest Love* of my life. I want to leap in love, I want to scream in love, I want to live every single day not with the 'satisfactory or best' love but live every single day with the 'greatest' love of my life." I want every day to have that magic because I only live once and I only love once. And that's it, that's how I want it and have dreamt it all my life.
So what am I supposed to do if it doesn't happen, if he just isn't "like that"? Do I give up... have I already given up? I don't know if I can just let it die.