(no subject)
I haven't really gotten the time to deal with any of my feelings concerning anything lately...and I think it's starting to take it's toll on me.
My little baby sweetheart darling (my dog) passed away about a week ago. I had just barely left for Roseville, and he died that night. I didn't know about this because my family didn't say anything about it to me until I got back. I remember coming back on the train, feeling okay. And I told my mom about how long the train took and how many times it stopped in random areas. And she just replied, "That's okay. Michelle, the dog passed away." And I didn't believe it. The first thing I said was "What?" and then "No, he didn't." And I just kept saying that...until it finally just kind of hit me...and then I couldn't stop crying. The worst part is that I wasn't even there to be with him. I just walk into the house, and all his things are gone. It's almost as though he was never there. But I feel the lack of him...the fact that his things aren't there anymore doesn't stop me from knowing what used to be.
The next day I was just depressed all day...crying randomly throughout the day and not being able to contain it all. And the pain of losing him just manifested itself in random places all over me and I ached all over. I just wished I had something of him to hold...but he was already gone. And there was nothing I could clutch or press to me. Nothing I could pour my grief into...and that just hurt even more. And now he's gone and even though it's been a while I still just can't believe that he'll never be there to greet me at the door anymore. To stick his little nose under the balcony gate whenever I came back home. And I can't believe I'll never be able to come back home and say "I love you baby" and kiss him on his furry little head before going upstairs. I still remember when I used to sit there watching TV, and to my delight he would sidle over and sit on my feet (he loved that) and eventually curl up against me.
I remember before he died, when I already knew he was diagnosed with leukemia, I was listening to "Can't take my eyes off of you" by Lauryn Hill, and he was just lying there, all tired, and I kissed him and said "this is for you baby." And I just looked at him lying there, all tired, and I was crying. I remember my dad looking at the little guy and saying, "Who's going to go on runs with me if you're gone? You still gotta run with me, so don't go anywhere, okay."
I don't know what to do with these emotions. And I didn't have anywhere to put them...so I guess I'm putting them here.
He was so beautiful. I'm tired.
My little baby sweetheart darling (my dog) passed away about a week ago. I had just barely left for Roseville, and he died that night. I didn't know about this because my family didn't say anything about it to me until I got back. I remember coming back on the train, feeling okay. And I told my mom about how long the train took and how many times it stopped in random areas. And she just replied, "That's okay. Michelle, the dog passed away." And I didn't believe it. The first thing I said was "What?" and then "No, he didn't." And I just kept saying that...until it finally just kind of hit me...and then I couldn't stop crying. The worst part is that I wasn't even there to be with him. I just walk into the house, and all his things are gone. It's almost as though he was never there. But I feel the lack of him...the fact that his things aren't there anymore doesn't stop me from knowing what used to be.
The next day I was just depressed all day...crying randomly throughout the day and not being able to contain it all. And the pain of losing him just manifested itself in random places all over me and I ached all over. I just wished I had something of him to hold...but he was already gone. And there was nothing I could clutch or press to me. Nothing I could pour my grief into...and that just hurt even more. And now he's gone and even though it's been a while I still just can't believe that he'll never be there to greet me at the door anymore. To stick his little nose under the balcony gate whenever I came back home. And I can't believe I'll never be able to come back home and say "I love you baby" and kiss him on his furry little head before going upstairs. I still remember when I used to sit there watching TV, and to my delight he would sidle over and sit on my feet (he loved that) and eventually curl up against me.
I remember before he died, when I already knew he was diagnosed with leukemia, I was listening to "Can't take my eyes off of you" by Lauryn Hill, and he was just lying there, all tired, and I kissed him and said "this is for you baby." And I just looked at him lying there, all tired, and I was crying. I remember my dad looking at the little guy and saying, "Who's going to go on runs with me if you're gone? You still gotta run with me, so don't go anywhere, okay."
I don't know what to do with these emotions. And I didn't have anywhere to put them...so I guess I'm putting them here.
He was so beautiful. I'm tired.