(no subject)
I am finding the not knowing why to be the worst part of anxiety. I am the type of person who color codes their planner, who writes down everything in it including grocery runs. I keep notepads on the desk so I can keep mini-lists of things to do for the day, or things to do for the week that don't necessarily have anything to do with school. I keep track of what I need to do, check it off when done, and only procrastinate on the rare occasion. All this organization and list keeping helps me two-fold: knowing what needs done and how long I have to work on it, and keeping my stress down with a visual of my accomplishments as each item gets checked off.
My mini-list is almost completely checked off. Classes haven't started yet so there's no assignments in the planner. Yet I've had two anxiety attacks this week. But I don't know why. I don't have any exams or papers to be worried about. Rush week and all the newbies at work starts in the next few days, but I've done this for three years (that's 9 rushes and 9 sets of newbies) and have so much muscle memory that I can do 3-4 things at a time. I have some medical bills coming up, but I've looked at the claims and it's all very managable. They aren't actually due yet, and the clinic is really good at working with people on payment plans. Two popular theories are that now that I've had anxiety I can't just have normal stress without my body thinking it needs to push into overdrive; or that it's about graduation/grad school/what comes next. Here's the thing, I already know what program I'm applying to, have already done my first grad application, and now just need to narrow down the other schools to 3 or 4 more. The letters of recommendation will come when school starts back up. A little bit of time looking over old papers will give me writing samples.
But the anxiety won't let me know what it's worrying over! I can't address the issue or take care of it if I don't know what it is. And an attack at 2 am makes it a bit hard to do anything other than try to control my breathing and not completely freak out because it's 2 AMIcanbarelyholdmyselftogethertrytobreathkeepfromtensingupneedtobeupinfourhoursforworkpainnoonetotalktowhywhywhy. I am a problem solver. Not knowing what I'm supposed to solve is driving me crazy, which makes things worse. I don't look forward to coming home and being alone anymore. The quiet doesn't relax me it just lets thoughts of anxiety creep in. And forget going to bed and leaving it for tomorrow! I can't go to bed until I've read, painted, or been on the computer until I can't keep my eyes open and am already starting to pass out where I sit. Even then it's not a sure thing that I'll sleep without an attack.
And the thing it that right now should be a time of excitement and celebration. In 16 weeks I graduate!!!! Four years of hard work, stress, knowledge, eagerness, boredom, and every other myrid emotion that make up college are almost over. I've been running a marathon and just came around the last bend to finally see the finish line. I did it! I will be a graduate, the first in my family. I want to celebrate my accomplishment! I want to a chance to be ecstatic about what I've done! I deserve that. I get to move on to the next stage of my life. I get to choose the next phase in my education.
So why can't my happiness and excitement overwhelm the anxiety?
My mini-list is almost completely checked off. Classes haven't started yet so there's no assignments in the planner. Yet I've had two anxiety attacks this week. But I don't know why. I don't have any exams or papers to be worried about. Rush week and all the newbies at work starts in the next few days, but I've done this for three years (that's 9 rushes and 9 sets of newbies) and have so much muscle memory that I can do 3-4 things at a time. I have some medical bills coming up, but I've looked at the claims and it's all very managable. They aren't actually due yet, and the clinic is really good at working with people on payment plans. Two popular theories are that now that I've had anxiety I can't just have normal stress without my body thinking it needs to push into overdrive; or that it's about graduation/grad school/what comes next. Here's the thing, I already know what program I'm applying to, have already done my first grad application, and now just need to narrow down the other schools to 3 or 4 more. The letters of recommendation will come when school starts back up. A little bit of time looking over old papers will give me writing samples.
But the anxiety won't let me know what it's worrying over! I can't address the issue or take care of it if I don't know what it is. And an attack at 2 am makes it a bit hard to do anything other than try to control my breathing and not completely freak out because it's 2 AMIcanbarelyholdmyselftogethertrytobreathkeepfromtensingupneedtobeupinfourhoursforworkpainnoonetotalktowhywhywhy. I am a problem solver. Not knowing what I'm supposed to solve is driving me crazy, which makes things worse. I don't look forward to coming home and being alone anymore. The quiet doesn't relax me it just lets thoughts of anxiety creep in. And forget going to bed and leaving it for tomorrow! I can't go to bed until I've read, painted, or been on the computer until I can't keep my eyes open and am already starting to pass out where I sit. Even then it's not a sure thing that I'll sleep without an attack.
And the thing it that right now should be a time of excitement and celebration. In 16 weeks I graduate!!!! Four years of hard work, stress, knowledge, eagerness, boredom, and every other myrid emotion that make up college are almost over. I've been running a marathon and just came around the last bend to finally see the finish line. I did it! I will be a graduate, the first in my family. I want to celebrate my accomplishment! I want to a chance to be ecstatic about what I've done! I deserve that. I get to move on to the next stage of my life. I get to choose the next phase in my education.
So why can't my happiness and excitement overwhelm the anxiety?