Everything can change in a year...
Last year this time we were set to move into our new place. Finally thought everything was falling into place. Little did we know it was the start of everything falling apart. The first month he became pissed off over his job and decided to quit while I was half way around the world. I had to take on the most stress of my life. Not only was I unhappy with my job but I had to support him emotionally and financially. It wasn't $400 a month this time around, it was $1200 plus two mouths to feed. On top of that he wanted me to be little miss housewife and cook. I couldn't take it. I even got him a job at American again and instead of just swallowing his pride, he had to screw that up too. I was heartbroken that not only did i lose my boyfriend, but my best friend. Eventhough I broke it up, it didn't hurt any less. As you can tell from my previous posts, it was always come and go. Except the year I didn't write. We were living in the basement under his mom and he was unemployed but we were happy, we had a routine, he was loving and sweet and vulnerable. But then his pride got in the way when he got a job and it didn't go the way he wanted.
He never physically abused me, but if emotional abuse left scars, I would have marks all over my body. When he packed up his stuff and walked out that door. I had a flashback of my dad doing the same thing. I can't help but feel like I was repeating my parents mistakes. Karol is like my father. I thought I could teach him a new life like my mom taught my dad. But he just never learned. We tried to work it out. But through the months he just wanted things from me that I couldn't give. I couldn't be what he wanted and he couldn't be what I wanted. I already gave everything when we took a break for 3 months after my mistake. He didn't try as hard as I did to win me back. He was still selfish and just wanted his needs filled. He would always find a way to suck me back in. Make me feel like I was wrong and feel guilty for how I felt and would take my feelings as an attack towards him. I see now how completely manipulating he was towards me.
I didn't talk to him for a month. I only wished him happy birthday and that opened a can of worms. He was so cocky talking about all these girls flirting with him. Little did I know he was sleeping with another girl while he only told me he kissed her. I told him in a conversation that I wouldn't take him back after he slept with another girl. So he lied. Until I decided to do some digging and find out the truth. After begging and pleeding he was innocent, he finally confessed he wasn't. Not only was he sleeping with her more than once, he lied to me, he lied to her, he tried to pull on my heart strings saying he changed and learned my value. But it was only because this slut he was with was a dumbass as well. He didn't feel the connection like he did with me. Well good asshole. I'm glad you learned your lesson. I didn't think I could forgive him. I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I was so disgusted. Not only was he with this girl 2 weeks after we broke up, but he was unsafe.
Again we didn't talk for a month, until my smoke alarm would beep and the maintenance guy couldn't come out. So I had no choice but to call him. He came over and lost 30lbs, he was more positive, he seemed like he was really happy and up for a promotion. Little did I know that he didn't change but after talking to my therapist, I decided that I could have very well slept with someone else during our breakup, but didn't. I decided to forgive him for me, for my own peace of mind. I can't ever forget. That's why I couldn't be intimate with him. Whether I wanted to punish him or not, I couldn't feel the same love for him. The fantasy was gone. The thought I was the only woman for him after everything I sacrifice, after 2 years of not hearing "i love you", after all the blood, sweat and tears, it was tarnished. It would never be the same. I know he tried. I know he tried to be more romantic and that was wonderful. But in the end, he was still the same selfish boy, he's always been. He would never just do something with nothing in return. He couldn't be here for me and just spend time with me without his hands all over me. It just brought back so many memories of how guys just wanted me for sex.
I have no doubt Karol loved me. I just don't think he loved me for the right reasons. I don't think he loves me for my determination, my independance, my success. I think he's very much jealous of that. I couldn't trust him. I wasn't better with him. He would just make me feel worse. I just am out here now again resigned the lease because this is my home. I lived here more without him than with him. I just didn't want to move just to move again next year. I want a new life. I want a new beginning. Not to mention I just turned 30 last month. He gave me a beautiful necklace that I can't even wear anymore until I can just accept it as a pretty necklace and not where it came from.
On a good note, I had a great experience in Barcelona for my birthday. It was great to be away and just enjoy a new country and celebrate with a good friend. We were on the same page when it came to where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. Omar's been a good friend but he has his moods too. I'm just ready to start this new decade with a clear head and an empty heart. I just want to put Karol behind me. It kills me everyday that it didn't work out. But in the end I know that it's for the best. I know i'll find someone that will treat me right from the start. Someone that will take me out because it's what he wants to do, not what he's suppose to do. I know he's out there for me. I still believe in love even after all this. I know I can fall in love again. I know the right person is out there and i'll know when I'm with him. I'll know cause he'll bring out the very best in me. I look forward to meeting this mystery man one day.
He never physically abused me, but if emotional abuse left scars, I would have marks all over my body. When he packed up his stuff and walked out that door. I had a flashback of my dad doing the same thing. I can't help but feel like I was repeating my parents mistakes. Karol is like my father. I thought I could teach him a new life like my mom taught my dad. But he just never learned. We tried to work it out. But through the months he just wanted things from me that I couldn't give. I couldn't be what he wanted and he couldn't be what I wanted. I already gave everything when we took a break for 3 months after my mistake. He didn't try as hard as I did to win me back. He was still selfish and just wanted his needs filled. He would always find a way to suck me back in. Make me feel like I was wrong and feel guilty for how I felt and would take my feelings as an attack towards him. I see now how completely manipulating he was towards me.
I didn't talk to him for a month. I only wished him happy birthday and that opened a can of worms. He was so cocky talking about all these girls flirting with him. Little did I know he was sleeping with another girl while he only told me he kissed her. I told him in a conversation that I wouldn't take him back after he slept with another girl. So he lied. Until I decided to do some digging and find out the truth. After begging and pleeding he was innocent, he finally confessed he wasn't. Not only was he sleeping with her more than once, he lied to me, he lied to her, he tried to pull on my heart strings saying he changed and learned my value. But it was only because this slut he was with was a dumbass as well. He didn't feel the connection like he did with me. Well good asshole. I'm glad you learned your lesson. I didn't think I could forgive him. I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I was so disgusted. Not only was he with this girl 2 weeks after we broke up, but he was unsafe.
Again we didn't talk for a month, until my smoke alarm would beep and the maintenance guy couldn't come out. So I had no choice but to call him. He came over and lost 30lbs, he was more positive, he seemed like he was really happy and up for a promotion. Little did I know that he didn't change but after talking to my therapist, I decided that I could have very well slept with someone else during our breakup, but didn't. I decided to forgive him for me, for my own peace of mind. I can't ever forget. That's why I couldn't be intimate with him. Whether I wanted to punish him or not, I couldn't feel the same love for him. The fantasy was gone. The thought I was the only woman for him after everything I sacrifice, after 2 years of not hearing "i love you", after all the blood, sweat and tears, it was tarnished. It would never be the same. I know he tried. I know he tried to be more romantic and that was wonderful. But in the end, he was still the same selfish boy, he's always been. He would never just do something with nothing in return. He couldn't be here for me and just spend time with me without his hands all over me. It just brought back so many memories of how guys just wanted me for sex.
I have no doubt Karol loved me. I just don't think he loved me for the right reasons. I don't think he loves me for my determination, my independance, my success. I think he's very much jealous of that. I couldn't trust him. I wasn't better with him. He would just make me feel worse. I just am out here now again resigned the lease because this is my home. I lived here more without him than with him. I just didn't want to move just to move again next year. I want a new life. I want a new beginning. Not to mention I just turned 30 last month. He gave me a beautiful necklace that I can't even wear anymore until I can just accept it as a pretty necklace and not where it came from.
On a good note, I had a great experience in Barcelona for my birthday. It was great to be away and just enjoy a new country and celebrate with a good friend. We were on the same page when it came to where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. Omar's been a good friend but he has his moods too. I'm just ready to start this new decade with a clear head and an empty heart. I just want to put Karol behind me. It kills me everyday that it didn't work out. But in the end I know that it's for the best. I know i'll find someone that will treat me right from the start. Someone that will take me out because it's what he wants to do, not what he's suppose to do. I know he's out there for me. I still believe in love even after all this. I know I can fall in love again. I know the right person is out there and i'll know when I'm with him. I'll know cause he'll bring out the very best in me. I look forward to meeting this mystery man one day.