(no subject)
I have literally not had a headache that has lasted this long in forever.
I currently have $45.73 in my checking account which will soon b 5 dollars b/c i have to get gas soon. I need a job and i really havent been this stresed in a while. I seriosuly cant stand matt's friends. I have been nuthing but nice to them and i get soo much SHIT in return. Even his fucking brother. And its all bcuz of Keith's fucking cunt X Anaaa i fucking HATE HER. Literally. i have never been soooo pissed off. And i'm soo sick of all of them. If there were some way i cud b with matt and have none of them around i wud. And Matt is jsut liek dont worry.. well u know, have my friends ever treated u with such disrepect? Have my friends hated you for no reason? NO! And seriously i've never been in a public skool in my life but a lot of my friends are there and i KNOW especially since one of them IS jordin that if people talk shit then they will get called out. and it amazes me that people in his skool talk SO MUCH SHIT and people either go along with it or jsut dont get involved, no one wud EVER say nething. And he fucking expects me to take shit from people wen he damn well knows how i am about that. And that i dont get walked on and i dont let people for one second think they can get away with it.
And my stress level is going off the fucking chart, i havent ben able to eat anything all day i've been soo bothered by everything. Today as been SUCH a shitty day. i hate it. and my dad ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant stand himmmmmmmmmm i cant stand the world right now, this is literally one of the biggest mental break downs i've had. i tried to take a bubble bath and jsut chill, but that didnt work cuz i jsut sat there and thot about all the othe shitttyyy fucking shit.
I hate today. And i need to start seeing someone again. Because if i keep going on being this angry then i'll loose the people i love bcuz they wont want to b around me, especially matt. I just wish for once i ddint make him feel bad or take things out on him and its so frusterating cuz i know i do. And i hate it wen he does it to me but i turn around and do it to him. And i dont like it and i know he doesnt either. And i really feel bad about it and i try to get better at it but ughh i cant even put it into words. And i feel like such an idiot. There are really days that sometimes i feel like jsut running away. But i know that doesnt solve problems bcuz i've been running from problems my whole like and am now forced to face them.
And some people may think i'm a happy person and i am and all but seriously. I feel like i put on such a mask and everyone only sees that and i'm the one who knows how i feel deep inside. Myself and matt. And i really dont know wat i wud do without him which is why i want to start to improve on things bcuz if i lost him I wud b lost. I just really need someone to talk to who can help me sort thru things cuz i really feel like i've developed ADD, i CANT focus on anything. Or i have to many thots going on in my head to focus on something. And i jsut feel like i worry to much or i make up scary situations in my head and then i start to believe their real. Like last night iw as driving home and my car made a weird noise and i had the heat going so i turned it off, the noise stopped. Then iwas like omg wat if my car blows up and i die and my parents and matt and my sister and brother, and then i smack out of it and i'm like wow abby, way to psyc urself out COMPLETELY.
I jsut dont know anymore. But wat i do know is right about now i need a bear hug from my boyfriend. and for someone to tell me it will b ok
I currently have $45.73 in my checking account which will soon b 5 dollars b/c i have to get gas soon. I need a job and i really havent been this stresed in a while. I seriosuly cant stand matt's friends. I have been nuthing but nice to them and i get soo much SHIT in return. Even his fucking brother. And its all bcuz of Keith's fucking cunt X Anaaa i fucking HATE HER. Literally. i have never been soooo pissed off. And i'm soo sick of all of them. If there were some way i cud b with matt and have none of them around i wud. And Matt is jsut liek dont worry.. well u know, have my friends ever treated u with such disrepect? Have my friends hated you for no reason? NO! And seriously i've never been in a public skool in my life but a lot of my friends are there and i KNOW especially since one of them IS jordin that if people talk shit then they will get called out. and it amazes me that people in his skool talk SO MUCH SHIT and people either go along with it or jsut dont get involved, no one wud EVER say nething. And he fucking expects me to take shit from people wen he damn well knows how i am about that. And that i dont get walked on and i dont let people for one second think they can get away with it.
And my stress level is going off the fucking chart, i havent ben able to eat anything all day i've been soo bothered by everything. Today as been SUCH a shitty day. i hate it. and my dad ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant stand himmmmmmmmmm i cant stand the world right now, this is literally one of the biggest mental break downs i've had. i tried to take a bubble bath and jsut chill, but that didnt work cuz i jsut sat there and thot about all the othe shitttyyy fucking shit.
I hate today. And i need to start seeing someone again. Because if i keep going on being this angry then i'll loose the people i love bcuz they wont want to b around me, especially matt. I just wish for once i ddint make him feel bad or take things out on him and its so frusterating cuz i know i do. And i hate it wen he does it to me but i turn around and do it to him. And i dont like it and i know he doesnt either. And i really feel bad about it and i try to get better at it but ughh i cant even put it into words. And i feel like such an idiot. There are really days that sometimes i feel like jsut running away. But i know that doesnt solve problems bcuz i've been running from problems my whole like and am now forced to face them.
And some people may think i'm a happy person and i am and all but seriously. I feel like i put on such a mask and everyone only sees that and i'm the one who knows how i feel deep inside. Myself and matt. And i really dont know wat i wud do without him which is why i want to start to improve on things bcuz if i lost him I wud b lost. I just really need someone to talk to who can help me sort thru things cuz i really feel like i've developed ADD, i CANT focus on anything. Or i have to many thots going on in my head to focus on something. And i jsut feel like i worry to much or i make up scary situations in my head and then i start to believe their real. Like last night iw as driving home and my car made a weird noise and i had the heat going so i turned it off, the noise stopped. Then iwas like omg wat if my car blows up and i die and my parents and matt and my sister and brother, and then i smack out of it and i'm like wow abby, way to psyc urself out COMPLETELY.
I jsut dont know anymore. But wat i do know is right about now i need a bear hug from my boyfriend. and for someone to tell me it will b ok