New Decade
I'm feeling lots of things today, as I sit in the living room on 10 Shady Lane and looking at the palm tree that my father proclaimed to love so much. My feelings include nostalgia, hope, sleepiness and mostly satisfaction. So much happened this year, how could I possibly recap?
One thing I know is that 2019 has been packed with action. I traveled extensively, sold a house, moved (again and again...sigh...), and survived a separation and reconciliation with Matthew. Lots of back aches, early mornings, miles and MILES on the Ohio Turnpike...and all along the way, with a sense of contemplation and decision-making this year. Some of it good, some of it very hard but all of it has led me to this place, the last day of the year AND the decade. Kelli and I are ending this year in Florida with no particular plans for the night. We're having a wonderful time here and the days are soaring past. I will fly back north and Kel will remain here in Florida. I will count down the days until I can come back here for a long weekend in February. And then the real countdown begins to spring break and ultimately to late May.
If there's one definite, it's that I want this school year to end. I'm halfway through the school year and the sad fact is that I feel very little connection to my students this year. Whether that's conscious or unconscious, I am not quite sure. But with the close of this academic year, I will be moving toward a huge shift in my career. Whether it was a good decision remains to be seen. But I am eagerly anticipating the change, with the hope that it will breathe new life into my teaching. This school year is momentous anyway; it marks 20 years in this teaching life. And that seems amazing to me.
The major decision, of course, was leaving Columbiana and, for a season, leaving Matthew. The entirety of it was heart-wrenching and emotional. I realized through our separation that I love him deeply and that I want him in my life. So as I installed myself into Arlington Drive once more, he rejoined me and we're making it work in a much smaller space, one that I never intended to return to, but have and we are settling into life together there. I have practiced much restraint as I watch and wait, hoping for him to find work and to discover that life goes on, even after a life-threatening cancer almost took him from the world. There's a reason for this. There's a reason for it all. I don't want to dictate to him what I think it should look like and that's the part that seems hard. I want to. I feel myself having to hold back so much of the time but the fact remains that it's his life, not mine. And I stand beside him...not in front of him, trying to pull him forward. Patience is the watch word here.
Things I look forward to in the coming year include a remodel on Arlington Drive, long overdue, and a transformation of both the kitchen and the bathroom. I believe that these changes will help us to both settle in for the foreseeable future and will cause the next 10-15 years to at least be plausible right there. It's easy living. Even though it felt like a gigantic leap backwards, moving back there, but that's the old me talking. What more do I really need? More space leaves more room for things to go wrong in a home. I feel that in the most practical sense it's a good place to be since I'm at Mayfield for the duration. The remodel will provide a breath of fresh air to the space. And I could use that.
I've been eating differently since we've come to Florida, drinking more water, and doing some yoga. It's amazing how these 3 things can bring me back into centeredness after feeling off-kilter for weeks and months. I'm sleeping well, I feel fantastic, and I want to continue these good habits when I return home this week. This is definitely something to look forward to as the new year dawns. I want to practice better habits because I definitely DO feel differently as a result. Heaven knows, I have enough time in between classes to do an hour's worth of yoga...even in my classroom. And I may very well do so as this new semester rolls on.
I would like to find a place to worship each week. I think that Sundays need to be different. I can't treat Sunday as an extension of Saturday...I need to set that day aside for the Lord. I need to begin to cultivate my spiritual self once more, having ignored that for so, so long. Matthew is in agreement; we have discussed it on more than one occasion and we both would like to search for a church home together. I just want solid teaching without a bunch of emotional hoopla accompanying it. I know that the Assemblies of God is not the denomination for me anymore. Perhaps a Christian church? I don't know. But when I return, we'll figure that out.
So this is it. Farewell, 2019. This year has been as transitional as any I can remember and I'm not sad to see it go. I feel strong and purposeful as I move into this new year, in a new decade. It's a good feeling. And I am content.
Until we meet again...