Beauty for Ashes
I can't think of any other way to entitle this entry. I need to trade beauty for ashes today.
He and I made a defininitive break last night...I just couldn't carry on, waiting to see what was going to happen. He's not going to self start. He's made that clear. He's dug his heels into the only solution that he can see; he wants me to invite him back. And to me, that's not the solution. So we had to make a break. No more texting, talking and email. No more. Another relationship has turned to ashes. I had every intention of marrying him and now there has to be silence.
I'm seeking beauty. There's beauty in forging on alone for now. I don't intend to stay alone for long...but the next relationship I start has got to be paced completely differently. I'm not letting ANYONE move in with me. I'm not lending anyone money. If there's no evidence of a job, I'm history. It doesn't matter what the story is, I want to be with someone who is working. I'm not going to undervalue myself anymore and that's a sure way to create another unequal partnership. I'm ambitious and I need to be with someone who shares that to an extent. I need to be with someone who has his own life. Matthew wanted to consume me and now, suddenly, he's out every day doing things and meeting people. Maybe he needed the air and atmosphere of Ithaca to make that happen. Maybe he needed to break from me to make that happen. It's never easy to admit that you're not creating a situation where your partner is growing and changing...but Matthew didn't have any reason to change. I was taking care of everything. And I began to resent that.
I don't know how easy a transition this will be but I'm taking the first steps today. I'm sure that every day will get easier. I spent a bit of time yesterday on the phone with a guy I met online. He wants to meet. I think that some casual dating wouldn't be a bad idea at all. I met someone out in Vegas and it was appetizers, drinks and easy conversation. It's what I want for now but eventually, I want my keeper. I feel terribly that Matthew was not who I thought he was. But we'll both move forward and we'll both find the people who are best suited for us both. Parting is sad and difficult but I will probably start to feel better since I've decided to definitively break the tie.
He and I made a defininitive break last night...I just couldn't carry on, waiting to see what was going to happen. He's not going to self start. He's made that clear. He's dug his heels into the only solution that he can see; he wants me to invite him back. And to me, that's not the solution. So we had to make a break. No more texting, talking and email. No more. Another relationship has turned to ashes. I had every intention of marrying him and now there has to be silence.
I'm seeking beauty. There's beauty in forging on alone for now. I don't intend to stay alone for long...but the next relationship I start has got to be paced completely differently. I'm not letting ANYONE move in with me. I'm not lending anyone money. If there's no evidence of a job, I'm history. It doesn't matter what the story is, I want to be with someone who is working. I'm not going to undervalue myself anymore and that's a sure way to create another unequal partnership. I'm ambitious and I need to be with someone who shares that to an extent. I need to be with someone who has his own life. Matthew wanted to consume me and now, suddenly, he's out every day doing things and meeting people. Maybe he needed the air and atmosphere of Ithaca to make that happen. Maybe he needed to break from me to make that happen. It's never easy to admit that you're not creating a situation where your partner is growing and changing...but Matthew didn't have any reason to change. I was taking care of everything. And I began to resent that.
I don't know how easy a transition this will be but I'm taking the first steps today. I'm sure that every day will get easier. I spent a bit of time yesterday on the phone with a guy I met online. He wants to meet. I think that some casual dating wouldn't be a bad idea at all. I met someone out in Vegas and it was appetizers, drinks and easy conversation. It's what I want for now but eventually, I want my keeper. I feel terribly that Matthew was not who I thought he was. But we'll both move forward and we'll both find the people who are best suited for us both. Parting is sad and difficult but I will probably start to feel better since I've decided to definitively break the tie.