Huge whiny post.
So, I get money tomorrow. Yay!
I want to go to P.E.I. so bad on march break, it's driving me nuts. I do not, and will not, have enough money, but I keep thinking that somehow some miracle will happen and I'll have magical money that materializes and doesnt have to pay for my food or groceries or computer or phone. I HATE responsibilities. I want to live with my mommy but I'm a brat so I can't. But I think I'm not as much of a brat now, so I should be allowed to stay there. I miss my Mum, and my sisters and brother. It makes me want to cry, but I'm still on a crying ban.
Today was my first day at school in a long while. I have this picture, that I took like 2 years ago when my family were going to Basin Head, and it's just some random country road in P.E.I., but it's so so beautiful, there's nice green hills with a mist over them, and the red dirt, and it's so amazingly beautiful. The most beautiful place in the world. You people don't appreciate it! Anyways, I had it in my locker, but then I put it in my planner and stared at it all day. Never mind paying attention in class, I just stared at a picture of P.E.I. And then I went and talked to my guidance counsellor about how much I miss P.E.I. and how I don't have enough money to go and how I have no fucking idea how I'm going to survive the next 4 months.
Gah! I'm so mad. Why do I have to be here!?!?! This sucks. I have no friends at school, and don't really see the ones(actually I guess it's just one, being Ferren)I have outside of school. I HATE HATE HATE it here. I want to go home to the people who love me/hate me. I don't want any friends here, but I do, but I don't because no matter what they can never compare to the amazing friends I've made in PEI. I mean seriously, in the 16 wasted years I spent here, I've never had a group of friends like anyone in PEI. None of them stood the test of time. (cept Ferren) I leave PEI all the time and yet I come back, and they're still my friends. Best feeling in the world, to come back and have everyone still love you and everyone be essentially the same as they were when you left.
I sincerely wish that I had not fucked up my own life so much. I wish that I wasn't a bratty kid, and that I could live with my mom and be happy and babysit Jenivieve instead of going out, and hang out with Emily, my soulmate, and my cute/bratty little brother who I added to msn and I talked to him today and it was awesome. I wanted to cry again. I love my family so much, and I think sometimes they doubt that because I can be so horrible. But it's all I think about. You know, you really don't appreciate your family until you don't have them anymore, and don't get to live with them. I love them all so much it hurts. FUCK INDEPENDANCE. STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY AS LONG AS YOU CAN.
Like seriously, why did I have to move back to Chatham the first time? GOD that wasted precious time, and fucked up a lot of things. WHY the FUCK did I go to Montreal? I mean, I'm glad I did, but it wasn't the right time at all, I was doing so well in school! And I was student council class rep, which is something I would have enjoyed a lot, but NO i had to go FUCK IT UP. I mean I've had a lot of life experience compared to most but honestly I'd rather just not have it at all and be sheltered and live with my mommy till I'm 25. But I can't do that. I don't even have the option. FUCK I hate this.
Man, I am so close to tears right now. This is a ridiculously huge post. I have to go to bed only to wake up too soon and have to go endure hell all by myself for another fucking horrible day. And I have to do it for like another 120 days. I know, there's an end in sight, but it's so far away, you don't even understand that each day here is like 20 Island days.
I am so alone. I hate it. All I want is my friends, and my family, and a big hug...6 and a half months without everything you love is a long time. My gramma gives me a hug once in awhile, but it's not the same. She doesn't understand that I am going to deteriorate into nothing the next 4 months. She doesn't understand that I can't stay with my mom and that I love my family as much as I do and I can't stand being away from them. Why couldn't I have been less of a crazy retard and been able to live a nice happy life with my family?
On another note, I've been here almost 3 months, and I've only seen my Dad, who supposedly loves me so much, 2 times. One of those times I had to walk to his house and get someone to let me into the apartment then BANG on the door for 5 minutes until he answered. THEN the other week my grandma carpenter had me over for dinner, he was supposed to come, he didn't show, he called though, while I was at my grammas. And he was fucking drunk off his ass and saying that I didn't understand BLAH FUCKING BLAH i've heard it a million times and I am SO FUCKING SICK of his stupid excuses. I'm not here forever. I don't know how many more times I can forgive this shit. It hurts a lot to have a dad so drunk all the time he can't even be bothered with you. And especially when I love him so much and he just takes advantage of my forgiveness. Fucking asshole.
If anyone reads this whole thing, congrats, you are a trooper.
I have made waaaaaaaaay too many mistakes in my life and now I have waaaaaaaay too much time to think about them and I'm kicking myself for every stupid thing I did now. Oh yes, I am paying for it now.
FUCK FUCK FUCK. I need to scream so badly. And I need to have someone who will listen to me scream and listen to me cry and help me and make me feel better. But, all of those people are in PEI. Go figure.
I have never been so sad in all my life.
And then, when I get back to PEI, nothing fucking changes and I'm still left needing to find a stupid fucking job and place to live. Fuck all you fuckers who live on your own when you should be with your parents. You are stupid fucks. I want to be with my mom. Oh see, I'm going to cry. No I won't, I'm banning myself. Alright, enough of my goddamn wallowing, I'm going to bed.
I miss my mom. And Emmy, and Brady, and Jenivieve.
I want to go to P.E.I. so bad on march break, it's driving me nuts. I do not, and will not, have enough money, but I keep thinking that somehow some miracle will happen and I'll have magical money that materializes and doesnt have to pay for my food or groceries or computer or phone. I HATE responsibilities. I want to live with my mommy but I'm a brat so I can't. But I think I'm not as much of a brat now, so I should be allowed to stay there. I miss my Mum, and my sisters and brother. It makes me want to cry, but I'm still on a crying ban.
Today was my first day at school in a long while. I have this picture, that I took like 2 years ago when my family were going to Basin Head, and it's just some random country road in P.E.I., but it's so so beautiful, there's nice green hills with a mist over them, and the red dirt, and it's so amazingly beautiful. The most beautiful place in the world. You people don't appreciate it! Anyways, I had it in my locker, but then I put it in my planner and stared at it all day. Never mind paying attention in class, I just stared at a picture of P.E.I. And then I went and talked to my guidance counsellor about how much I miss P.E.I. and how I don't have enough money to go and how I have no fucking idea how I'm going to survive the next 4 months.
Gah! I'm so mad. Why do I have to be here!?!?! This sucks. I have no friends at school, and don't really see the ones(actually I guess it's just one, being Ferren)I have outside of school. I HATE HATE HATE it here. I want to go home to the people who love me/hate me. I don't want any friends here, but I do, but I don't because no matter what they can never compare to the amazing friends I've made in PEI. I mean seriously, in the 16 wasted years I spent here, I've never had a group of friends like anyone in PEI. None of them stood the test of time. (cept Ferren) I leave PEI all the time and yet I come back, and they're still my friends. Best feeling in the world, to come back and have everyone still love you and everyone be essentially the same as they were when you left.
I sincerely wish that I had not fucked up my own life so much. I wish that I wasn't a bratty kid, and that I could live with my mom and be happy and babysit Jenivieve instead of going out, and hang out with Emily, my soulmate, and my cute/bratty little brother who I added to msn and I talked to him today and it was awesome. I wanted to cry again. I love my family so much, and I think sometimes they doubt that because I can be so horrible. But it's all I think about. You know, you really don't appreciate your family until you don't have them anymore, and don't get to live with them. I love them all so much it hurts. FUCK INDEPENDANCE. STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY AS LONG AS YOU CAN.
Like seriously, why did I have to move back to Chatham the first time? GOD that wasted precious time, and fucked up a lot of things. WHY the FUCK did I go to Montreal? I mean, I'm glad I did, but it wasn't the right time at all, I was doing so well in school! And I was student council class rep, which is something I would have enjoyed a lot, but NO i had to go FUCK IT UP. I mean I've had a lot of life experience compared to most but honestly I'd rather just not have it at all and be sheltered and live with my mommy till I'm 25. But I can't do that. I don't even have the option. FUCK I hate this.
Man, I am so close to tears right now. This is a ridiculously huge post. I have to go to bed only to wake up too soon and have to go endure hell all by myself for another fucking horrible day. And I have to do it for like another 120 days. I know, there's an end in sight, but it's so far away, you don't even understand that each day here is like 20 Island days.
I am so alone. I hate it. All I want is my friends, and my family, and a big hug...6 and a half months without everything you love is a long time. My gramma gives me a hug once in awhile, but it's not the same. She doesn't understand that I am going to deteriorate into nothing the next 4 months. She doesn't understand that I can't stay with my mom and that I love my family as much as I do and I can't stand being away from them. Why couldn't I have been less of a crazy retard and been able to live a nice happy life with my family?
On another note, I've been here almost 3 months, and I've only seen my Dad, who supposedly loves me so much, 2 times. One of those times I had to walk to his house and get someone to let me into the apartment then BANG on the door for 5 minutes until he answered. THEN the other week my grandma carpenter had me over for dinner, he was supposed to come, he didn't show, he called though, while I was at my grammas. And he was fucking drunk off his ass and saying that I didn't understand BLAH FUCKING BLAH i've heard it a million times and I am SO FUCKING SICK of his stupid excuses. I'm not here forever. I don't know how many more times I can forgive this shit. It hurts a lot to have a dad so drunk all the time he can't even be bothered with you. And especially when I love him so much and he just takes advantage of my forgiveness. Fucking asshole.
If anyone reads this whole thing, congrats, you are a trooper.
I have made waaaaaaaaay too many mistakes in my life and now I have waaaaaaaay too much time to think about them and I'm kicking myself for every stupid thing I did now. Oh yes, I am paying for it now.
FUCK FUCK FUCK. I need to scream so badly. And I need to have someone who will listen to me scream and listen to me cry and help me and make me feel better. But, all of those people are in PEI. Go figure.
I have never been so sad in all my life.
And then, when I get back to PEI, nothing fucking changes and I'm still left needing to find a stupid fucking job and place to live. Fuck all you fuckers who live on your own when you should be with your parents. You are stupid fucks. I want to be with my mom. Oh see, I'm going to cry. No I won't, I'm banning myself. Alright, enough of my goddamn wallowing, I'm going to bed.
I miss my mom. And Emmy, and Brady, and Jenivieve.