(no subject)
So my life is moving seamlessly from one day to the next without any new or exciting to dos. This is a complication considering the fact that everything about my life is incredible boring in an unsettling, staring at the pretty, blinding white walls in an insane asylum unsettling.
I however, have just fell into this realization as of earlier this week. I was slowly and sickeningly aware of it for awhile now. Of course, I was ignoring it by tricking myself that it was all going to work itself. Everything would fall into place one day and I'd wake up and be exactly where I wanted to (the Disney thesis of ruining every girl's life that grew up watching their movies comes to mind). Not the sick feeling slowly seeping into my brain that I am undeniably and inconceivably in a rut. Not just a rut, but a rut with no out. That is, until I was able to work up enough courage in my spineless back of mine to figure out that I do want something more for my life. To come to the conclusion that could have only happen in my own time and in my own way without the fruitless yet helpful, gracious labors of my friends and some family members that my life is actually worth more than making coffee for the masses and masses of idiocy that rolls through the doors of Barnes and Nobles. Retail and Sales would be my hell. Endless, upon endless rows of white cups with that green logo, mermaid with white flowing hair, seashells and disgustingly familiar smile there to mock me for all eternity. I much rather welcome death again and again than that horrible imagery.
So, my thesis on the matter at hand. That matter being my life and the years to come, or for my much more recent efforts of actual well, effort of how I want this all to play out. Unknowing what will actually happen. However, you must all remember I am a creature of habit. Breaking out of said habit is hard and an unsettling, even a scary experience for me. I've become stronger over these past years with thanks to my rough around the edges attitude and new found inner strength, that I've been able to do things without having a second thought. A stomach sinking thought that would send my brain into endless guilt of tailspin thinking that I, and myself alone could decipher. Soon the millions of voices in my head, sounding frighteningly similar to my own would fade and the deed I had planned to do would become almost enjoyable. I was never able to leave on a whim before, not care about the consequences or what would happen the next day. Always planning and prepping. Having enough time to get ready for the task I had to take care of the following day or following week. Sleeping patterns are something I care far too much about, more than any normal twenty two year old should. Having been spoiled most of my life with a working mother who was once in her life diagnosed with OCD, I had little to no chores. The only reasoning being, a dish in our house could not stay in the sink longer than a trip up the stairs and down again before it was wash, dried and put away. I had no choice than to let her do it. I asked and offered always to get the same response. I would do it, only to have her a few steps behind with sponge in hand ready to clean up the small crumbs that only her eyes could see that I missed. That being said, I had a lot of extra time on my hands growing up. Time I should have put towards being determined and focused in school, instead was used for watching television and sleeping once home and waking up in time for dinner to just go back to sleep later that evening. Needless to say sleeping is more than just something that my body needs for rest.
Since being this new person that I myself am still getting used to in these past couple of years I have figured out that I want more than just a life in Massachusetts. I want to see the world and everything it has to offer. Taste grapes from a vine in Italy, smell the hops and bitter aroma of brewing beer lift through the air of the green Highlands, watched palm trees move with the rhythmic, hypnotically sweet breeze of Hawaii. I want to take pictures, photographs from every side of the oceans. Watched new waves crash on new shorelines. I've never wanted this before. I never cared enough to realize just how beautiful life and everything in it is. I just lived. Without thinking, without caring about what I would do next as an important factor. Never once has the phrase 'live life to the fullest' appealed to me. I never cared. Until now. Until I got a taste for it. Traveling on my own. Being on my own, as alone as I could with the unnatural comfort I got from someone I barely new. A friend of a friend that soon became my best friend without any try or extra want. It just happened so naturally, almost to the point that it still astonishes me that I can trust someone, full heartily that I've known for such a little amount of time. I got a taste for it and never once have I stopped trying to fill that hunger and thirst. I've lost my way a few times. Picked up certain scents of life's unknowing changes. Gotten lost, and off my path of what I really wanted and back to just settling. Settling for something that was nothing I could have ever wanted for more than just a few years. A filler job, something to make me money.
That is always the excuse for not going back to college. When there are so many other reasons. First one is just pure fright. Wondering whether my brain even works like that anymore? Self-doubt and the undeniable crutch of my learning disabilities, hiding behind it and using it so much soon made me believe that it was true. My brain really did work that way, not that if I actually tired, applied myself and expanded my empty mind it would hungrily absorb the information like a dried sponge. I suck a math as do most every other person that populates this planet. I was never in 'smart people' classes. I always was good at school but that was because I was never challenged enough to fail. It's only until recently that I discovered I have a slight talent for writing. Not that great of one, however I talent nonetheless.
Even the word talent being talked about in any context concerning myself makes my stomach sink and a slight grimace form on my face. Nothing is ever good enough for me, in myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I hurt myself worse than any one could, now. I push people away before they can get close enough to me. However, these issues are completely irrelevant to the matter at hand.
Schooling now, is just not going to happen. I thought about it, got excited until reality sunk in. I have a good thing sitting right in my closet from a Technical Vocational High School that I have never once put to the test. I know I have a knack for colors, imagery and arts. It's always fascinated me and I've always done well with pairing colors and making hues and contrasts. I have never had a problem finding my way around a computer or computer program when shown to me once. I can find my way around any site, even through Java and Web Design gives me a headache. Graphics in movies have always astonished and excited me. The only reasoning for me seeing Finding Nemo for the first time was because of Pixar. My dream of all dreams is to work for them. Not to become a dancer or singer but to work on a Disney Pixar Film and see my work and many others come to life on screen. Never have I ever thought it possible however, as the saying goes a girl can dream.
I still to this day have the vivid imagination of a six year old. Day dreaming and thinking of things in movies or books could come true for just one moment in time. To make those things come true in a movie, on screen because of a computer, because of my hand would be amazing. Having written it would be even better, however again its a bit of a stretch.
Getting my foot in the door is the firs step. Creature of habit, taking baby steps. Nervous and steady steps, but steps all the same. Aptshirts.com is owned by this guy that comes into Barnes and Nobles for a Grande coffee often. He has mentioned graphics to be once before and screen printing is easier than anything I would be thrown into right away with new programs of Photoshop and Illustrator since they update their programming most likely twice a year. I've been out for almost five years. I still use my own version of Photoshop and make my own graphics and customize my own pictures, which I plan to take more of on Monday for my brother's band. I would be rusty but, like I said it wouldn't take much for me to find my way around the program. Soon enough I would be able to design things myself.
So now, the final countdown as begun. He is said to return from Maine on Wednesday. I could easily contact him on his website, however I contemplated what exactly I would say in the email. I would want to sound smart and not too childish and foolish in it however, the idea of saying 'This is Megan the girl from Barnes and Nobles' as an opener sounded nothing short of ridiculous in my head. Over and over again I thought of something to say how we've talked before, mentioning how he knows me from Barnes and Nobles, again, ridiculous. So, I opted to just wait. Talk to him in person and remind him about my schooling and how I would love to help out if needed of even if he knew of anywhere that I could go. A brother company he knew of that he had no malice towards for competition. Anything.
However if none of this works and all hopes of Graphics are dashed than I have really no idea of how or what I am going to get myself out of this rut I've called a life for almost four years now. I should really be saying I'm not going to give up and be the optimist here, but when has that ever been my nature?
I however, have just fell into this realization as of earlier this week. I was slowly and sickeningly aware of it for awhile now. Of course, I was ignoring it by tricking myself that it was all going to work itself. Everything would fall into place one day and I'd wake up and be exactly where I wanted to (the Disney thesis of ruining every girl's life that grew up watching their movies comes to mind). Not the sick feeling slowly seeping into my brain that I am undeniably and inconceivably in a rut. Not just a rut, but a rut with no out. That is, until I was able to work up enough courage in my spineless back of mine to figure out that I do want something more for my life. To come to the conclusion that could have only happen in my own time and in my own way without the fruitless yet helpful, gracious labors of my friends and some family members that my life is actually worth more than making coffee for the masses and masses of idiocy that rolls through the doors of Barnes and Nobles. Retail and Sales would be my hell. Endless, upon endless rows of white cups with that green logo, mermaid with white flowing hair, seashells and disgustingly familiar smile there to mock me for all eternity. I much rather welcome death again and again than that horrible imagery.
So, my thesis on the matter at hand. That matter being my life and the years to come, or for my much more recent efforts of actual well, effort of how I want this all to play out. Unknowing what will actually happen. However, you must all remember I am a creature of habit. Breaking out of said habit is hard and an unsettling, even a scary experience for me. I've become stronger over these past years with thanks to my rough around the edges attitude and new found inner strength, that I've been able to do things without having a second thought. A stomach sinking thought that would send my brain into endless guilt of tailspin thinking that I, and myself alone could decipher. Soon the millions of voices in my head, sounding frighteningly similar to my own would fade and the deed I had planned to do would become almost enjoyable. I was never able to leave on a whim before, not care about the consequences or what would happen the next day. Always planning and prepping. Having enough time to get ready for the task I had to take care of the following day or following week. Sleeping patterns are something I care far too much about, more than any normal twenty two year old should. Having been spoiled most of my life with a working mother who was once in her life diagnosed with OCD, I had little to no chores. The only reasoning being, a dish in our house could not stay in the sink longer than a trip up the stairs and down again before it was wash, dried and put away. I had no choice than to let her do it. I asked and offered always to get the same response. I would do it, only to have her a few steps behind with sponge in hand ready to clean up the small crumbs that only her eyes could see that I missed. That being said, I had a lot of extra time on my hands growing up. Time I should have put towards being determined and focused in school, instead was used for watching television and sleeping once home and waking up in time for dinner to just go back to sleep later that evening. Needless to say sleeping is more than just something that my body needs for rest.
Since being this new person that I myself am still getting used to in these past couple of years I have figured out that I want more than just a life in Massachusetts. I want to see the world and everything it has to offer. Taste grapes from a vine in Italy, smell the hops and bitter aroma of brewing beer lift through the air of the green Highlands, watched palm trees move with the rhythmic, hypnotically sweet breeze of Hawaii. I want to take pictures, photographs from every side of the oceans. Watched new waves crash on new shorelines. I've never wanted this before. I never cared enough to realize just how beautiful life and everything in it is. I just lived. Without thinking, without caring about what I would do next as an important factor. Never once has the phrase 'live life to the fullest' appealed to me. I never cared. Until now. Until I got a taste for it. Traveling on my own. Being on my own, as alone as I could with the unnatural comfort I got from someone I barely new. A friend of a friend that soon became my best friend without any try or extra want. It just happened so naturally, almost to the point that it still astonishes me that I can trust someone, full heartily that I've known for such a little amount of time. I got a taste for it and never once have I stopped trying to fill that hunger and thirst. I've lost my way a few times. Picked up certain scents of life's unknowing changes. Gotten lost, and off my path of what I really wanted and back to just settling. Settling for something that was nothing I could have ever wanted for more than just a few years. A filler job, something to make me money.
That is always the excuse for not going back to college. When there are so many other reasons. First one is just pure fright. Wondering whether my brain even works like that anymore? Self-doubt and the undeniable crutch of my learning disabilities, hiding behind it and using it so much soon made me believe that it was true. My brain really did work that way, not that if I actually tired, applied myself and expanded my empty mind it would hungrily absorb the information like a dried sponge. I suck a math as do most every other person that populates this planet. I was never in 'smart people' classes. I always was good at school but that was because I was never challenged enough to fail. It's only until recently that I discovered I have a slight talent for writing. Not that great of one, however I talent nonetheless.
Even the word talent being talked about in any context concerning myself makes my stomach sink and a slight grimace form on my face. Nothing is ever good enough for me, in myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I hurt myself worse than any one could, now. I push people away before they can get close enough to me. However, these issues are completely irrelevant to the matter at hand.
Schooling now, is just not going to happen. I thought about it, got excited until reality sunk in. I have a good thing sitting right in my closet from a Technical Vocational High School that I have never once put to the test. I know I have a knack for colors, imagery and arts. It's always fascinated me and I've always done well with pairing colors and making hues and contrasts. I have never had a problem finding my way around a computer or computer program when shown to me once. I can find my way around any site, even through Java and Web Design gives me a headache. Graphics in movies have always astonished and excited me. The only reasoning for me seeing Finding Nemo for the first time was because of Pixar. My dream of all dreams is to work for them. Not to become a dancer or singer but to work on a Disney Pixar Film and see my work and many others come to life on screen. Never have I ever thought it possible however, as the saying goes a girl can dream.
I still to this day have the vivid imagination of a six year old. Day dreaming and thinking of things in movies or books could come true for just one moment in time. To make those things come true in a movie, on screen because of a computer, because of my hand would be amazing. Having written it would be even better, however again its a bit of a stretch.
Getting my foot in the door is the firs step. Creature of habit, taking baby steps. Nervous and steady steps, but steps all the same. Aptshirts.com is owned by this guy that comes into Barnes and Nobles for a Grande coffee often. He has mentioned graphics to be once before and screen printing is easier than anything I would be thrown into right away with new programs of Photoshop and Illustrator since they update their programming most likely twice a year. I've been out for almost five years. I still use my own version of Photoshop and make my own graphics and customize my own pictures, which I plan to take more of on Monday for my brother's band. I would be rusty but, like I said it wouldn't take much for me to find my way around the program. Soon enough I would be able to design things myself.
So now, the final countdown as begun. He is said to return from Maine on Wednesday. I could easily contact him on his website, however I contemplated what exactly I would say in the email. I would want to sound smart and not too childish and foolish in it however, the idea of saying 'This is Megan the girl from Barnes and Nobles' as an opener sounded nothing short of ridiculous in my head. Over and over again I thought of something to say how we've talked before, mentioning how he knows me from Barnes and Nobles, again, ridiculous. So, I opted to just wait. Talk to him in person and remind him about my schooling and how I would love to help out if needed of even if he knew of anywhere that I could go. A brother company he knew of that he had no malice towards for competition. Anything.
However if none of this works and all hopes of Graphics are dashed than I have really no idea of how or what I am going to get myself out of this rut I've called a life for almost four years now. I should really be saying I'm not going to give up and be the optimist here, but when has that ever been my nature?