(no subject)
so this is the deal...
I am still coming to terms with the fact that this might actually be something. I am not positive anymore, about anything really, ever so I'm just kinda going with my head. Which is screaming at me like twenty million different things. My heart is kinda just dead to the world, so I rarely ever talk or listen to that anymore unless its considering friends.
I like him. That is defiantly apparent, now the thing standing in my way are all these walls I built around me. I can't let anyone in again because the whole idea of it, falling in love and having a boyfriend is just ridiculous to me. Still. That's my whole problem. Everything is slowly falling into the idea that I, for so long had this idea in my head that I don't need a man, nor do I ever want to be touched by one or God forbid fall in love with a man. That's just ridiculous. So, that's my problem. I can't just let my walls down or believe that I can have a boyfriend again. It's not that I don't want one, or that I'm not ready I just can't or at least I don't think I can. My head is just so fixed on the idea that I can live without a man, I can be fine without a boyfriend, I don't need one, I don't need love because love will just end up in heart ache. I can't fall in love because I don't want to face that again. I think it's ridiculous to fall in love because it's just going to end so why give my heart to someone that is just going to break it, or that we're just going to end it. Love is just not something in the cards for me right now at this young age. I don't believe that someone my age should have someone in their life that's serious because I'm not going to get married anytime soon.
I should date, I'm not discriminating against dating. It'll be good for me, it's just the love thing. However, how do I even know I'm going to fall in love or visa versa? I don't. So this is just me being crazy and thinking far far far ahead. Something that I should just not be doing. I keep reminding myself to live for the now because that's what being 22 is. It's living in the moment, at the height of your young adult hood, is living and doing for the now and being happy and carefree. Harder this day and age with the government fucking each other up the ass and making this country fall to the ashes, however it's still what it's about. And I deeply believe that. Could also be the fact that I don't believe in marriage and I don't plan on getting married at all because like 99 percent of the population is divorced. It's just not a honest union anymore, no one believes in the sanctity and the beauty of it. Maybe I'll change my mind, I probably will along the road just now, at 22 I don't. I don't want it.
I think taking this slow would be the best decision. I might down the road figure out that he actually is worth this and I should finally let my walls down, or I might just have them come down by themselves without them knowing because he's just going to be able to. Of course, I have no idea. Nothing could happen, we could just remain friends and be fine with that. Or, something would ignite and we'd be a great couple, I have no idea and I can't keep thinking something might or might not. I need to just let it be. I'm not forcing anything and I'm no longer thinking I should be forcing or should be looking out for something. It'll just get me more and more confused.
This is horrible. I'm the worst kind of person because I'm just coming up with these reasons, when I have no idea what the fuck I want. I shouldn't be hurt still. I shouldn't be getting over this heart ache anymore. Years and years of men, all men in my life taking the trust and heart and turning it into this horrible bullshit thing has taken a toll on me and I haven't actually realized it until now. I think Davenport was the fucking straw that broke the camels back. I just broke down and shut off to everything and anything having to do with love. Besides family and friends. Besides people I can't trust.
man...
I am still coming to terms with the fact that this might actually be something. I am not positive anymore, about anything really, ever so I'm just kinda going with my head. Which is screaming at me like twenty million different things. My heart is kinda just dead to the world, so I rarely ever talk or listen to that anymore unless its considering friends.
I like him. That is defiantly apparent, now the thing standing in my way are all these walls I built around me. I can't let anyone in again because the whole idea of it, falling in love and having a boyfriend is just ridiculous to me. Still. That's my whole problem. Everything is slowly falling into the idea that I, for so long had this idea in my head that I don't need a man, nor do I ever want to be touched by one or God forbid fall in love with a man. That's just ridiculous. So, that's my problem. I can't just let my walls down or believe that I can have a boyfriend again. It's not that I don't want one, or that I'm not ready I just can't or at least I don't think I can. My head is just so fixed on the idea that I can live without a man, I can be fine without a boyfriend, I don't need one, I don't need love because love will just end up in heart ache. I can't fall in love because I don't want to face that again. I think it's ridiculous to fall in love because it's just going to end so why give my heart to someone that is just going to break it, or that we're just going to end it. Love is just not something in the cards for me right now at this young age. I don't believe that someone my age should have someone in their life that's serious because I'm not going to get married anytime soon.
I should date, I'm not discriminating against dating. It'll be good for me, it's just the love thing. However, how do I even know I'm going to fall in love or visa versa? I don't. So this is just me being crazy and thinking far far far ahead. Something that I should just not be doing. I keep reminding myself to live for the now because that's what being 22 is. It's living in the moment, at the height of your young adult hood, is living and doing for the now and being happy and carefree. Harder this day and age with the government fucking each other up the ass and making this country fall to the ashes, however it's still what it's about. And I deeply believe that. Could also be the fact that I don't believe in marriage and I don't plan on getting married at all because like 99 percent of the population is divorced. It's just not a honest union anymore, no one believes in the sanctity and the beauty of it. Maybe I'll change my mind, I probably will along the road just now, at 22 I don't. I don't want it.
I think taking this slow would be the best decision. I might down the road figure out that he actually is worth this and I should finally let my walls down, or I might just have them come down by themselves without them knowing because he's just going to be able to. Of course, I have no idea. Nothing could happen, we could just remain friends and be fine with that. Or, something would ignite and we'd be a great couple, I have no idea and I can't keep thinking something might or might not. I need to just let it be. I'm not forcing anything and I'm no longer thinking I should be forcing or should be looking out for something. It'll just get me more and more confused.
This is horrible. I'm the worst kind of person because I'm just coming up with these reasons, when I have no idea what the fuck I want. I shouldn't be hurt still. I shouldn't be getting over this heart ache anymore. Years and years of men, all men in my life taking the trust and heart and turning it into this horrible bullshit thing has taken a toll on me and I haven't actually realized it until now. I think Davenport was the fucking straw that broke the camels back. I just broke down and shut off to everything and anything having to do with love. Besides family and friends. Besides people I can't trust.
man...