holy shit i'm scared

[isukatthisgame]

So i've still been talking to that kid since he's been away on vacation. pretty much everyday we text each other and have nice conversations. And last night we had a conversation that I would have never thought to come from this guy. It just too me by surprise and it was really fun. I took it as that, fun. I have a head ache thinking about this and my thoughts are all jumbled mess right now because this shit doesn't happen to me! I'm the friend, always the friend. I never play the girlfriend, just the friend. I like it that way. I think? I mean it would be nice SOMETIMES to have someone there, kiss, hold, fuck whatever but I never thought I would get it, not anytime soon at least. So I was safe. I was safe from any relationship because I never got asked, I never asked anyone, I just left men alone and they did the same. It was a wonderful relationship with the male population. Until him. Now I have someone actually liking me and telling me they wanna hold me and all this bullshit. But, for some reason I know coming from him it possible isn't all bs? Which is a totally new concept to me and I totally remember saying these exact words about Davenport. Which makes me want to throw up. This whole thing, I feel sick and I'm shaky. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me! Normal girls would be ecstatic to have a guy spend some of their attention on them. However I want to vomit. How the FUCK does that make sense?! I'm so fucked up. Maybe that's another reasoning behind me believing I would never have someone. Because, I am oh so messed up, my life and outlooks on it are just FUCKED and he doesn't care. He actually shares quite a few of those same outlooks and that makes him even more awesome! ANOTHER THING! He's actually awesome. He makes me laugh and he's really dorky and not in a loser way but a kinda adorable way. AH! I don't know. And he's not 30! ha! There's another new thing for me! He's actually only three or four years older than I am! Why is it that I just believe my life to be nothing other than what it is. It's not like I don't mind change, I honestly don't care half the time but when it has to do with my heart I put up blocks right away. No one touches it, ever again. And it's wrong and I'm fucked up. I'm just fucked up. Happiness just doesn't wanna happen for me because apparently I won't let it fuckin happen!!! fuck this. I always said Davenport was good for me because it made me stronger. Fuck that! It made me too strong, and too blocked off and too toughed skinned for anything good to ever happen to me again. Fuck him. This sucks. And yeah I'm still blaming him because he really IS the fuckin reason I'm like this. I honestly cringed to the word cuddle when it was used! CRINGED! How sick is that?! I don't want it that bad? Fuck that I would love to be in his arms! Hello! He's fuckin' jacked!! It would be awesome but the fact that even saying that is making my head spin slightly and my stomach flip flop is all to be blamed on Davenport. like it even mattered anyways! He's a homo. no lie, fairy! ran like one anyways. GOD! Waste of my fuckin life and fuckin' time and made me into this monster that I am now. He's sweet and caring and nice and actually sees me for me! that's all I ever fuckin' wanted and now I have it and I'm throwing it away because I don't wanna get hurt?! WHAT!?! What is that shit?! are you kidding me?! Because I believe that in the near future I am going to fuck something up some how and become jealous or crazy like I did with my numerous other boyfriends and fuck it up. because i'm my mothers daughter and i'm crazy Italian woman that wants attention 24/7.

Cheese on a cracker, I'm just nuts.