dave
my friend donna's dad died. it's affected me. partly because i adore donna and i hate to see her in such pain, but it's also partly because i had hoped he would be my daddy too. donna and i have joked around that maybe we're sisters and the dad i've never known is actually her pops. i know that sounds silly and a childlike fantasy but there was this part of me, a tiny part yes, but a part nonetheless, that kind of hoped it could be true.
i've lived a great deal of my life making my own rules, my own family, my own memories. and what i mean is, when you come from crazy, hillbilly, whitetrash, sam shepard play, grew up in a goddamn trailerpark, dysfunction, you have a tendency to allow the self indulgent fantasy of creating your own sense of family. my mother is dead, my so called father is in prison, i have no contact with my family. (my real dad is someone i have never met. i don't even know his name. noone does. my mother got preggers when she was 15 and only after her death was i told that the dick i grew up with isn't my father. i was relieved. he's a pedophile. thank you gods for not letting that fucker's blood course through me.). so i create my own family. the possibilites are endless when you're an orphan. in some deep part of myself, i wanted donna's dad to be mine. partly because i just want to be related to donna but also because she has always spoken of her dad with great affection. dave sounds like he was a wonderful father. and i guess, i wanted him to be mine too. had i met him, i have no doubt he would have totally called me his kid, even if it was only a kindness meant to make me feel special. that's the kind of daddy dave sounds like he would have been.
so i'm sad. maybe it's because i'm an actor and my job is to create realities and fully invest my emotions into them. which i did with dave and donna and her mom. my heart is heavy. and though i know i can't possibly be as sad and lonely as donna and her mommy, i still feel it. there's this part of me that wants to get on a plane in january and go to dave's wake. and if donna said i could, i just might fucking do it.
dave, i didn't know you. i never heard your voice. you probably didn't even know who i was. but you're leaving this world has profoundly affected me. i mourn someone i never met. isn't it funny how things like that happen?
i've lived a great deal of my life making my own rules, my own family, my own memories. and what i mean is, when you come from crazy, hillbilly, whitetrash, sam shepard play, grew up in a goddamn trailerpark, dysfunction, you have a tendency to allow the self indulgent fantasy of creating your own sense of family. my mother is dead, my so called father is in prison, i have no contact with my family. (my real dad is someone i have never met. i don't even know his name. noone does. my mother got preggers when she was 15 and only after her death was i told that the dick i grew up with isn't my father. i was relieved. he's a pedophile. thank you gods for not letting that fucker's blood course through me.). so i create my own family. the possibilites are endless when you're an orphan. in some deep part of myself, i wanted donna's dad to be mine. partly because i just want to be related to donna but also because she has always spoken of her dad with great affection. dave sounds like he was a wonderful father. and i guess, i wanted him to be mine too. had i met him, i have no doubt he would have totally called me his kid, even if it was only a kindness meant to make me feel special. that's the kind of daddy dave sounds like he would have been.
so i'm sad. maybe it's because i'm an actor and my job is to create realities and fully invest my emotions into them. which i did with dave and donna and her mom. my heart is heavy. and though i know i can't possibly be as sad and lonely as donna and her mommy, i still feel it. there's this part of me that wants to get on a plane in january and go to dave's wake. and if donna said i could, i just might fucking do it.
dave, i didn't know you. i never heard your voice. you probably didn't even know who i was. but you're leaving this world has profoundly affected me. i mourn someone i never met. isn't it funny how things like that happen?