(no subject)
i HATED "the devil's rejects" so much whenever i was coerced into seeing it a couple of years ago. i literally felt like walking up and leaving after only having sat through about 5 minutes of the film. why i thought that the new HALLOWEEN remake woudl be better is completely beyond me at this point. either way, i saw the new movie last night for whatever reason and it was so unbelievably bad that i felt i had to share a few words. i'm not going to get into why the original halloween movie is so good...well, actually, i will, because its important: everything from the pacing, the subtly in the acting, the mysterious nature of michael myers, THE LACK of gore, the total RESTRAINT that exists throughout the movie from every character until the finale whenever loomis attempts to confront MM, it was all done with such simple precision, well thought out plotting, and with such a pure and seemingly effortless desire to slowly get under your skin, that this new steaming pile of dog shit truly begs the question: WHY?
why remake one of the canonical american horror films? why? SERIOUSLY? WHY? the truth is that there is no good answer, nothing will ever justify itself to anyone besides those greedy, dumbass weinstein brothers, who seem to live up to their reputations as prepetual fagins. i've never had much faith in rob zombie's skills as a film maker, but after this movie, i can at least safely say that i have NONE and will never have any ever again.
tryign to write something truly witty about how terrible the film is woudl take too long, so i'll just try to give a bunch of one liners. first off, in all of zombie's movies, the camera is so fucking close up to everyone's face all the time that the viewer literally feels FORCED into watching the movie from the very beginning. now i've already paid my ridiculously high entranec fee, i've already selected a seat that is relatively far from the screen, WHY NOW, do i have to still feel like someone somewhere is trying to give me all my money's worth by giving me the ability to look up someone's nose, or to see the stray, matted facial hair that looks as though it hadn't been cleaned since the 1970s?
SIDE NOTE: why does everyone in rob zombie movies have huge stupid looking nasty beards that get covered in food and blood? i think beards are bad ass, they should be as prominent in american culture now as they were 150 years ago, when all prestigious bad ass civil war generals had huge vast gardens of scruff hanging from their faces. but leave it to rob zombie, who is the proud owner of a wicked beard himself, to bring back the beard with the worst possible stereotypes: unemployed lowlifes, fat truck drivers, serial killers, pedophiles, basically anyone who was too bad for sodom and gomorrah was smited down with a beard by god zombie and now we the viewers are forced to hope endlessly throughout each of his seemingly tolstoyian fores into depravity that we can leave the theatre and head straight for the nearest walmart to get some gillete.
ANYWAY, the camera work is so terrible throughout the entire film that i had to look away from the screen (not because of the copious and utterly unoriginal amounts of gore) but because malcolm mcdowell's lillywhite beard was simply blinding me. the camera is so focused on people's faces that you could actually see all the lines and valleys and groves of danny trejo's pockmarked face. I'M TALKING TOTAL FUCKING RECALL HERE! ghet yo ass to mahs, quaid! ghet yo ass to mahs and give dem the clearasil.
another HUGE thing: the dialogue. this is perhaps the movie's worst and most detracting factor (other than the fact that it was simply made in the first place...WITH john carpenter's consent!). bad writing is one thing, because sometimes bad writing equals camp and other times it equals comedy, but in the case of rob fucking zombie fucking movies, bad fuckign writing is just fucking bad fuckign writing, pusssy fuck. when fucking rob fucking zombie begins to fuckign work on his fucking movies, he fucking sets out to fucking fuck with your fuckign head by having hte most fucked up fuckign words to fucking fuck you up with. FUCK. seriously, if i never hear the word FUCK again, being used in whatever possible manner (FUCK: its not only an adjective or a noun anymore, its a fucking prepositional phrase too! the fuck fucking walked fuck the bathroom), i coudl die a happy man. it seems as though the movie was so intent on shocking you on all possible levels that it forgot within the first two minutes that showing restraint is what creates build up, and that that build up is what makes tension happen and that that is what makes the best horror movies.
its just mind numbinly inexplicable to me how someone like rob zombie, who seems to have such a vast knowledge of GOOD.... nah fuck that, GREAT horror movies, could come up with some of the worst possible writing i've ever heard in a film, if not the flat out worst. horror movies are not known for their oscar caliber dialogue, but they are also not known for their utterly pathetic attempts at being offensive in just about every single possible way either.
hands down the best (or worst) line of the movie goes to poor poor malcolm mcdowell who is confronted about the pure evil darkness of michael myers by the town police officer, who asks him what MM will do when he gets to haddonfield. his response: "i *sigh* don't know what he will do, but....it WILL...BE NOT GOOD." seriously, danielle steel COULD have written this movie better...without an editor...and drunk...and POSSIBLY EVEN dead.
the villain in the movie, MM, looks like a fucking roadie for slipknot... infact, i bet he PROBABLY IS the fucking roadie from slipknot, if not one of the core members that got kicked out before the band made it big. that is the only possible explantion behind how he went from being some ugly little blonde boy with plumpy face to looking like kane the wrestler, because its a well known fact that the only people who even give a shit about slipknot are ugly little boys and big dumb dudes who like to say FUCK a lot but are unable to articulate the word. SIDENOTE: the best acting hands down throughout the entire film go to the guy who played michael myers, only because he didn't have a single line of dialogue.
maybe it was just me, but the film also felt like it never started, like it was one long ungodly flashback. the time during which it took place is also debatable, because apparently people had regular cell phones by 1978, and they were listening to RUSH and KISS and PETER FRAMPTON exclusively from in between 1963 (when mm apparently gets locked up) and maybe 1978 (when he apparently escapes) or maybe 1993 (if he was locked up in 1978?). truth is that i can't tell because the viewer is never given the ability to even figure out WHERE anything is located, much less when. ALSO, why is no one EVER AROUND in haddonfield except for the people who get murdered. seriously, the set design for everythign was such a total fucking mess that the movie felt like a god damn michel gondry film at the end. i kept on waiting at any second to see jim carrey pop out of a wall, crying, with kate winslet behind him. there is this ridiculous sequence in the end when laurie strode is hiding in the ceiling and MM just starts knocking shit down and it last for like 15 minutes. he just keeps swinging this stick into the ceiling and a bunch of crap falls down and it felt like the last third of the movie was him wrecking the house. it was like the WICKED music video by ice cube, except he showed up after anthony and flea had left and he was PISSED that he didn't get his copy of BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIC signed.
whatever, FUCKING fuck this movie.
why remake one of the canonical american horror films? why? SERIOUSLY? WHY? the truth is that there is no good answer, nothing will ever justify itself to anyone besides those greedy, dumbass weinstein brothers, who seem to live up to their reputations as prepetual fagins. i've never had much faith in rob zombie's skills as a film maker, but after this movie, i can at least safely say that i have NONE and will never have any ever again.
tryign to write something truly witty about how terrible the film is woudl take too long, so i'll just try to give a bunch of one liners. first off, in all of zombie's movies, the camera is so fucking close up to everyone's face all the time that the viewer literally feels FORCED into watching the movie from the very beginning. now i've already paid my ridiculously high entranec fee, i've already selected a seat that is relatively far from the screen, WHY NOW, do i have to still feel like someone somewhere is trying to give me all my money's worth by giving me the ability to look up someone's nose, or to see the stray, matted facial hair that looks as though it hadn't been cleaned since the 1970s?
SIDE NOTE: why does everyone in rob zombie movies have huge stupid looking nasty beards that get covered in food and blood? i think beards are bad ass, they should be as prominent in american culture now as they were 150 years ago, when all prestigious bad ass civil war generals had huge vast gardens of scruff hanging from their faces. but leave it to rob zombie, who is the proud owner of a wicked beard himself, to bring back the beard with the worst possible stereotypes: unemployed lowlifes, fat truck drivers, serial killers, pedophiles, basically anyone who was too bad for sodom and gomorrah was smited down with a beard by god zombie and now we the viewers are forced to hope endlessly throughout each of his seemingly tolstoyian fores into depravity that we can leave the theatre and head straight for the nearest walmart to get some gillete.
ANYWAY, the camera work is so terrible throughout the entire film that i had to look away from the screen (not because of the copious and utterly unoriginal amounts of gore) but because malcolm mcdowell's lillywhite beard was simply blinding me. the camera is so focused on people's faces that you could actually see all the lines and valleys and groves of danny trejo's pockmarked face. I'M TALKING TOTAL FUCKING RECALL HERE! ghet yo ass to mahs, quaid! ghet yo ass to mahs and give dem the clearasil.
another HUGE thing: the dialogue. this is perhaps the movie's worst and most detracting factor (other than the fact that it was simply made in the first place...WITH john carpenter's consent!). bad writing is one thing, because sometimes bad writing equals camp and other times it equals comedy, but in the case of rob fucking zombie fucking movies, bad fuckign writing is just fucking bad fuckign writing, pusssy fuck. when fucking rob fucking zombie begins to fuckign work on his fucking movies, he fucking sets out to fucking fuck with your fuckign head by having hte most fucked up fuckign words to fucking fuck you up with. FUCK. seriously, if i never hear the word FUCK again, being used in whatever possible manner (FUCK: its not only an adjective or a noun anymore, its a fucking prepositional phrase too! the fuck fucking walked fuck the bathroom), i coudl die a happy man. it seems as though the movie was so intent on shocking you on all possible levels that it forgot within the first two minutes that showing restraint is what creates build up, and that that build up is what makes tension happen and that that is what makes the best horror movies.
its just mind numbinly inexplicable to me how someone like rob zombie, who seems to have such a vast knowledge of GOOD.... nah fuck that, GREAT horror movies, could come up with some of the worst possible writing i've ever heard in a film, if not the flat out worst. horror movies are not known for their oscar caliber dialogue, but they are also not known for their utterly pathetic attempts at being offensive in just about every single possible way either.
hands down the best (or worst) line of the movie goes to poor poor malcolm mcdowell who is confronted about the pure evil darkness of michael myers by the town police officer, who asks him what MM will do when he gets to haddonfield. his response: "i *sigh* don't know what he will do, but....it WILL...BE NOT GOOD." seriously, danielle steel COULD have written this movie better...without an editor...and drunk...and POSSIBLY EVEN dead.
the villain in the movie, MM, looks like a fucking roadie for slipknot... infact, i bet he PROBABLY IS the fucking roadie from slipknot, if not one of the core members that got kicked out before the band made it big. that is the only possible explantion behind how he went from being some ugly little blonde boy with plumpy face to looking like kane the wrestler, because its a well known fact that the only people who even give a shit about slipknot are ugly little boys and big dumb dudes who like to say FUCK a lot but are unable to articulate the word. SIDENOTE: the best acting hands down throughout the entire film go to the guy who played michael myers, only because he didn't have a single line of dialogue.
maybe it was just me, but the film also felt like it never started, like it was one long ungodly flashback. the time during which it took place is also debatable, because apparently people had regular cell phones by 1978, and they were listening to RUSH and KISS and PETER FRAMPTON exclusively from in between 1963 (when mm apparently gets locked up) and maybe 1978 (when he apparently escapes) or maybe 1993 (if he was locked up in 1978?). truth is that i can't tell because the viewer is never given the ability to even figure out WHERE anything is located, much less when. ALSO, why is no one EVER AROUND in haddonfield except for the people who get murdered. seriously, the set design for everythign was such a total fucking mess that the movie felt like a god damn michel gondry film at the end. i kept on waiting at any second to see jim carrey pop out of a wall, crying, with kate winslet behind him. there is this ridiculous sequence in the end when laurie strode is hiding in the ceiling and MM just starts knocking shit down and it last for like 15 minutes. he just keeps swinging this stick into the ceiling and a bunch of crap falls down and it felt like the last third of the movie was him wrecking the house. it was like the WICKED music video by ice cube, except he showed up after anthony and flea had left and he was PISSED that he didn't get his copy of BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIC signed.
whatever, FUCKING fuck this movie.