Near-centric word drabbles: Closer
Title: “Closer”
Author: Shaitanah
Rating: PG
Summary: 5 people that matter to Near even though he might not know it himself. [Mello/Near overtones] Please R&R!
Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Ohba Tsugumi and Obata Takeshi. Words taken from Random Word Generator.
A/N: Practicing the word drabbles once again. This time it was harder: the word had to fit the character and still be random.
CLOSER
Connotations
It takes more than eternity to understand Mello. He is made of contradictions, random insults, hissing noises and glum looks. He should be an open book to someone as level-headed and logical as Near, yet Near doesn’t completely understand him. He wishes he did when Mello eyes him with envy and undisguised hostility, breaks his toys and spits that he hates him. And later when Near dozes off on the floor amidst the scattered pieces of another jigsaw puzzle, Mello happens to pass by with a blanket that he throws casually over the sleeping boy. He strolls away, convinced no one has seen him. Near thinks it’s for the best because if Mello knew he was not sleeping he’d just stop coming.
If Mello is a book, Near will learn to read between the lines.
Heads
Just looking at Near gives Matt headache. Near is all white and imperturbable. He doesn’t seem to care about anything but his toys and puzzles. Matt supposes it makes him happy. In a way, the two are pretty much alike. Like Near, Matt prefers to stay indoors. Like Near, Matt hardly needs anything but his gameboy. Like Near, Matt is indifferent to sweets.
Near doesn’t seem to notice how much this uncertain likeness changes him. Soon enough the only difference between them is in the way Matt watches Mello and Near does not. Both of them fail to see that these things are equally eloquent.
Molecules
Being with Lynda is like trying to count the molecules of air: impossible, yet quite entertaining. It’s odd to have met her again after all these years. She always used to give ‘a lot more damn’ (as Mello would have probably put it) about him than he would have cared. And she always smiled. She smiles at him now, too, and he’s touched to see the smile hasn’t gone dim over the years.
They talk - or rather she talks because he’s still as anti-social as he was years ago. She paints him and he suddenly wants to learn drawing. She tells him stuff about Mello he never knew (or never cared about) and he suddenly misses Mello so much it hurts in his chest. She kisses him and he wishes he knew more about kissing girls - or kissing people in general for that matter. She falls in love with him and he wonders if he cares. She walks away and he doesn’t stop her because he always cares more about those who are gone than about those who remain. He hopes than once she’s gone he will be in love with her too.
Handler
In a way Roger’s work is similar to that of a handler. Dealing with several dozens of ‘gifted children’ is definitely not easy. And Roger loves his charges even if he sometimes loses his temper when it comes to Mello’s pranks or Near’s lack of enthusiasm when it comes to physical training.
Near remembers one night in late October. He accidentally overheard Roger talking to his friend on the phone.
“I admire your convictions, Quillsh,” Roger was saying. “It may be tough for me, but I doubt I’d have chosen the kind of life you are leading over that of a common caretaker. I’d like to think those children will remember me when they leave. Even those two. I think if I had to give it all up it would be for one of them. You’ve fallen for the same trap, after all, haven’t you?”
Near ponders why those aged self-restrained men give their hearts to egocentric unresponsive children. When the time comes Roger does choose Near over his place at the Wammy’s House. Near never shows him that he is grateful. Not because he has some deadly reasons to keep it secret, but because Watari already knows it and Near is not the type to go through the obvious over and over again.
Unimportant
Near defines the feeling as something in between dissatisfaction when someone knocks his domino tower down and dizziness after two sleepless nights in a row. He is supposed to feel sorrow in theory, so he tries to prepare the feeling, to cut it up and look beneath the cover. What if there is sorrow? Nope, there isn’t.
Sorrow comes later. At first it’s mild and gentle like a homeless kitten trying to accustom itself to a new home. It grows stronger and finally stings like a furious rattle-snake when Near least expects it. ‘People die,’ Near objects cold-heartedly to his feelings. ‘That’s biology.’ If admitting that means revealing how cold and ugly he is on the inside he’s willing to take the risk because pain has always been the best motivation. And Near has always believed that being merciless to yourself somewhat helps.
Nine years later he still finds himself pretending that L’s death hasn’t hurt him so much. It seems silly to grieve over L when L is alive. L would hardly endorse such sentiments. But still Near eats some chocolate every day and never lets two small finger puppets out of sight. That’s all he has left.
February 13-14, 2008