The Hobbit: The Story of One True Wifi
This actually started with a conversation between me and shirogiku about how Smaug got into Erebor in the first place. Like, he would have to smash the roof or something, but in that case, why did the dwarves look specifically for one door? Then we started talking about other weird things (like how did Smaug know Thorin's nickname if he'd been asleep all this time?) and somehow, as if often happens with us, this crack came to be. The story of how everyone in Middle Earth wants one single thing.
(c) smaug-thestupendous
One day Smaug decided to find himself a home. He didn't want just any old home. He wanted a comfy home with lots of gold and all modern conveniences. He heard about Mirkwood but it was a forest and no en suite facilities and too much green stuff. Besides, the whole business was run by King Thranduil who was too much of a diva, and two divas can't co-exist.
Then he learnt about the grand dwarf kingdom of Erebor and decided: sounds like a plan! Unfortunately, Smaug was so big and so fabulous than in order for him to move in... everyone else had to move out.
The dwarves weren't particularly thrilled, but it was either that or kebab. So Smaug moved in and was pretty content. "Got my gold," he thought, "got my..."
(c) smaugking
Elsewhere, Thror was giggling madly: "Ehehehe." Everybody thought it was all because of grief due to the loss of the Arkenstone. "Why are you giggling, Gramps?" asked Thorin who never giggled or laughed or smiled because he didn't have any sense of humour. "Oh, you'll seeeeeee one day," cackled Thror.
Meanwhile, back in the Lonely Mountain, Smaug discovered why Thror had been giggling.
"FUCK YOU, THROR, THERE'S NO WIFI!!!"
So he barricaded the broken ceiling, locked the doors and fell asleep as Internet addicts are wont to do when left Internet-less.
60 years later
"Joke's on you, Oeakenshield!" laughed Smaug as he woke up. "Yeah, that bird that woke me up at the end of the first movie got me wifi from Lake Town (really though, the master's password is like IRULEZZ, what kind of a shitty wifi key is that?), that's how I know your nickname, and that's a stupid fucking nickname, you ain't even carrying no shield!!!!"
"But I erased all info about me online..." Thorin protested.
"BUT YOU HOBBIT IS A BLOGGING ADDICT!!!!" revealed Smaug.
Naturally, Thorin wasn't pleased. This hadn't been part of the contract. But one logic fail bothered him most of all.
"Bilbo," he asked, "but how?? We don't even have computers! Half the time we end up losing our all our belongings!"
Bilbo wanted to answer, but he'd have a lot of explaining to do. He was saved (or outed) by Gandalf who appeared as randomly as Tauriel, Azog or Legolas had been known to do in this particular adaptation, and said:
"It's that ring he carries! Not only it's a translator ring that allows you to understand spiders; it's also a portable wifi point! Why do you think both Gollum and Sauron are dying for it???"
That actually explained a lot. Bilbo whipped out the ring and blogged a hardcore post about this, while Smaug tweeted extensively:
#SurpriseMothafucka
Thorin had one last question. He asked Smaug if he knew why his grandfather had giggled all those years ago (if he didn't know he could Google). "You know how everyone thought the Arkenstone was a wifi point like the ring?" Smaug said. "IT FUCKING WASN'T!"
"It wasn't???" echoed Thorin. "The fuck am I here then!?"
Moral of the story: ...
...
...
You kidding me, what moral, this is the most ridiculous post I've ever made!!!
P.S. The Arkenstone and the ring soon eloped together. Smaug let the dwarves stay in his mountain (though to save the room, he moved them into that chamber with the dead bodies, which was by no means a hint!) and they all had a magnificent mountain party that involved a lot of gold and pilfered wifi.
Gifs belong to their creators and were found via Tumblr and Google.
(c) smaug-thestupendous
One day Smaug decided to find himself a home. He didn't want just any old home. He wanted a comfy home with lots of gold and all modern conveniences. He heard about Mirkwood but it was a forest and no en suite facilities and too much green stuff. Besides, the whole business was run by King Thranduil who was too much of a diva, and two divas can't co-exist.
Then he learnt about the grand dwarf kingdom of Erebor and decided: sounds like a plan! Unfortunately, Smaug was so big and so fabulous than in order for him to move in... everyone else had to move out.
The dwarves weren't particularly thrilled, but it was either that or kebab. So Smaug moved in and was pretty content. "Got my gold," he thought, "got my..."
(c) smaugking
Elsewhere, Thror was giggling madly: "Ehehehe." Everybody thought it was all because of grief due to the loss of the Arkenstone. "Why are you giggling, Gramps?" asked Thorin who never giggled or laughed or smiled because he didn't have any sense of humour. "Oh, you'll seeeeeee one day," cackled Thror.
Meanwhile, back in the Lonely Mountain, Smaug discovered why Thror had been giggling.
"FUCK YOU, THROR, THERE'S NO WIFI!!!"
So he barricaded the broken ceiling, locked the doors and fell asleep as Internet addicts are wont to do when left Internet-less.
60 years later
"Joke's on you, Oeakenshield!" laughed Smaug as he woke up. "Yeah, that bird that woke me up at the end of the first movie got me wifi from Lake Town (really though, the master's password is like IRULEZZ, what kind of a shitty wifi key is that?), that's how I know your nickname, and that's a stupid fucking nickname, you ain't even carrying no shield!!!!"
"But I erased all info about me online..." Thorin protested.
"BUT YOU HOBBIT IS A BLOGGING ADDICT!!!!" revealed Smaug.
Naturally, Thorin wasn't pleased. This hadn't been part of the contract. But one logic fail bothered him most of all.
"Bilbo," he asked, "but how?? We don't even have computers! Half the time we end up losing our all our belongings!"
Bilbo wanted to answer, but he'd have a lot of explaining to do. He was saved (or outed) by Gandalf who appeared as randomly as Tauriel, Azog or Legolas had been known to do in this particular adaptation, and said:
"It's that ring he carries! Not only it's a translator ring that allows you to understand spiders; it's also a portable wifi point! Why do you think both Gollum and Sauron are dying for it???"
That actually explained a lot. Bilbo whipped out the ring and blogged a hardcore post about this, while Smaug tweeted extensively:
#SurpriseMothafucka
Thorin had one last question. He asked Smaug if he knew why his grandfather had giggled all those years ago (if he didn't know he could Google). "You know how everyone thought the Arkenstone was a wifi point like the ring?" Smaug said. "IT FUCKING WASN'T!"
"It wasn't???" echoed Thorin. "The fuck am I here then!?"
Moral of the story: ...
...
...
You kidding me, what moral, this is the most ridiculous post I've ever made!!!
P.S. The Arkenstone and the ring soon eloped together. Smaug let the dwarves stay in his mountain (though to save the room, he moved them into that chamber with the dead bodies, which was by no means a hint!) and they all had a magnificent mountain party that involved a lot of gold and pilfered wifi.
Click to viewGifs belong to their creators and were found via Tumblr and Google.