(no subject)
It's funny how one planned pint turns into six.
Last weekend was a lot of fun, got to hang out with Audrey, Emily and Dawn while they were visiting. Had some awesome impromptu roleplaying as well. Went to my first bachelorette party too (heh).
This week has been a bitch. Research is building up more and more pressure, needing some sort of breakthrough in the next few weeks in order to produce viable material for publishing. Wednesday was the Zoology lab field trip, during which we spent three hours waist-deep in a marsh collecting organisms for identifying. Thursday I got my first chemistry exam back, which was good (97%), but the rest of the day was spent feeling like shit. Rocky practice was fun, though. I need to sort out my costume stuff soon. Friday I was so exhausted I just spent most of the day at the townhouse. Went to anime club, but didn't stay long, had some food at the Japanese Cultural Association festival and then went to the Green Leafe for Julia's birthday celebration.
I can't help but taste bittersweet when I think of the whole affair. All of my friends here (that I can think of at the moment, at least) are in relationships, and it really weighs on me. The combination of loneliness with a history of rejection is a bitch. I restrict myself and hide who I am in so many ways it's not funny anymore. I'm afraid that what I am is somehow off-setting, that what comprises my personality eventually turns out to be either not enough or flawed in some crucial way. What reactions are acceptable? What displays are taboo, what should I conceal in order to achieve the happiness that for so long has only deigned to visit me temporarily and then vanish?
What do I do? Do I blunt myself? Do I conceal part of me to make myself more palatable to others? Everyone tells me "just be yourself, someone will come along." Offense is not intended, but quite frankly, that's not comforting at all. Resigning myself to being unhappy makes me unhappy on a whole new level. And in that context, I despise myself.
This is not a plea for attention, though people may respond with comforting intentions and words. I ask for nothing that you would not already give if you knew the circumstances without my revealing them. This is simply a goddamn catharsis of a soul that doesn't know what to turn to anymore.
Last weekend was a lot of fun, got to hang out with Audrey, Emily and Dawn while they were visiting. Had some awesome impromptu roleplaying as well. Went to my first bachelorette party too (heh).
This week has been a bitch. Research is building up more and more pressure, needing some sort of breakthrough in the next few weeks in order to produce viable material for publishing. Wednesday was the Zoology lab field trip, during which we spent three hours waist-deep in a marsh collecting organisms for identifying. Thursday I got my first chemistry exam back, which was good (97%), but the rest of the day was spent feeling like shit. Rocky practice was fun, though. I need to sort out my costume stuff soon. Friday I was so exhausted I just spent most of the day at the townhouse. Went to anime club, but didn't stay long, had some food at the Japanese Cultural Association festival and then went to the Green Leafe for Julia's birthday celebration.
I can't help but taste bittersweet when I think of the whole affair. All of my friends here (that I can think of at the moment, at least) are in relationships, and it really weighs on me. The combination of loneliness with a history of rejection is a bitch. I restrict myself and hide who I am in so many ways it's not funny anymore. I'm afraid that what I am is somehow off-setting, that what comprises my personality eventually turns out to be either not enough or flawed in some crucial way. What reactions are acceptable? What displays are taboo, what should I conceal in order to achieve the happiness that for so long has only deigned to visit me temporarily and then vanish?
What do I do? Do I blunt myself? Do I conceal part of me to make myself more palatable to others? Everyone tells me "just be yourself, someone will come along." Offense is not intended, but quite frankly, that's not comforting at all. Resigning myself to being unhappy makes me unhappy on a whole new level. And in that context, I despise myself.
This is not a plea for attention, though people may respond with comforting intentions and words. I ask for nothing that you would not already give if you knew the circumstances without my revealing them. This is simply a goddamn catharsis of a soul that doesn't know what to turn to anymore.