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"Why is it that every time I see you, you're always too small or too tall?"
There's a lot of nothing for me to talk about, so of course I'm just going to ramble on and on until I have everything off my chest, so to speak. First off, school is crap, as usual. It's the same old routine over and over and over again. There's really not much to say... Except for the fact that my US History teacher compared every girl in the class to a prostitute, in a round about way. Oh well, no one really seemed to care. Lately, we have been watching movies in that class about things like segregation. It's both boring and interesting at the same time... if that's possible, that is. We have been reading a book that has nothing to do with mythology in my Classical Lit. class. I don't get her sometimes, but no one seems to complain about the lack of homework or anything. She is making up for it with written quizzes and journals though, not that I care. I'm just here until I get my stupid diploma and whatnot. We should be on the road tomorrow for driver's ed. so that pretty cool in my opinion. I just hope I get to drive this time...Lunch has remained the same. Ariel and Ian practically making out in front of everybody has made for some fairly awkward moments though. I learn to tune them out after a while, like I'm sure everyone else has. Because honestly, no one cares or wants to know when she makes a grab for his penis. I'm sorry, but just... no. Robin says she wasn't like that before Ian came along. They brag about having sex... he says they've done it probably about thirty times. I REALLY didn't need to know that and I hope that bit of information will be forgotten soon. That's partly why I'm worried about Sam coming up here this weekend. She doesn't hang out around the same people I do and I'm afraid she'll think that Ariel and Ian are my friends... but that's not the case. I don't talk to them and I don't like them at all. I'm only there because I am stuck like all of the sane people at that table. There are so many people in the lunch room, there honestly are no other tables to run to.
Anyways, we are learning about circles in geometry. Funfun... not. It's so easy but it's needlessly time consuming. This angers me. And in earth science, we are learning about the planets. We had to take a bunch of notes over a movie though, which was boring. But at least we don't do a whole lot in that class. After that is study hall in the colorful room. It's smelled strange today, for some reason. Like someone had left a bunch of old tacos in the sun. Maybe it was just my imagination... oh well. There's a guy that sits next to me though who reminds me of Austin. Not that he looks like him or anything, but he has gauges in his ears... Austin talked to me once about what I thought about him getting them. Not that my opinion matters to him now or anything, but I was okay with it just as long as they weren't too big. I liked his ears... Well then I went to choir and sang. We are doing a new song that makes me smile. It's called 'Double Double Toil and Trouble.' It really is a fun song to sing and we get to sound like witches. Some of the girls are scarily good at that...
The other day I scared myself. I was taking a bath and I got to thinking about everything. How everything had went so wrong so quickly. How I miss everyone I used to know and how things just suck in general. Then my mind just kinda blanked out and I stopped thinking. Well, I had my eyes closed and my head started to feel funny and my lungs started to hurt. Then it started to hurt a lot. I opened my eyes and realized that my head was completely under water, but I didn't want to get up. Once I snapped out of it, I told Austin because I got scared and he yelled at me. He does that a lot sometimes... especially when I tell him about bad stuff. He asks me what my problem is and stuff too. It scares me to know that he could be that angry at me. In time, I think he'll even grow to hate me. He told that I have changed the other day. I don't know if I have or not, but he says it's not in a good way. Like I'm pushing him away... I don't understand though. I tell him how I am feeling because I trust him, because I hope that he can make me feel better. He does that sometimes but he also hurts me... I don't even think he realizes it when he does. Damn it all, I still love him. We've just done so much stuff together and we shared so much with each other. I stood by him when his stomach hurt and he wasn't feeling well the first few times. How was I supposed to know that this last time would be different? Sometimes I wish he could feel what I felt...but then I think better of it. It would probably tear him apart. Does he realize how much he matters to me? Even now, as he's working or playing his new game, he's not thinking about me. I can almost guarantee it. And then there's me, sitting at the computer and by the phone, praying that he'll send me a message of some sort.
He tells me I can trust him, but when I go and tell him bad news he freaks out. He says that there are people worse-off than me and that I should think positively and that I don't want to be happy and I'm content with being miserable. But I'm not. I hate dreading going to sleep just to know that I'll wake up crying when I check my phone, thinking there will be a text saying 'goodnight babydoll' like it used to. I miss being called babydoll, especially by him. He just had that way of saying it that always made me smile and feel loved. And whenever he'd give me a hug or a piggyback ride. And when it was really cold, he'd pick me up bridal style and set me by the door when it was time for him to leave. He really was so nice to me. He practically would give me anything if I asked. He cared for me a lot, you could tell just by looking in his eyes sometimes. Well that's gone now. There are no hugs, no piggyback rides, no goodbye kisses, no 'babydolls'. It hurts more than anything that has ever happened to me. I think about him every day still, more than once. I'll check my phone after school and be just as hurt when I see that there aren't any missed messages.
I never thought that I'd be comparing myself to Bella from Twilight, but I see why she felt the way she did when Edward left. I didn't want to do anything for a long while. And I probably wouldn't have if he didn't text me for a little bit after the fact. Plus the fact that I have to smile for my friends and stupid people at this new school. I don't want to smile, but I don't have a choice in the matter anymore.Stupid Bella got the chance to act on her emotions and do nothing for months. In a way, I'm glad and not glad that I am not like that. I definitely didn't feel like getting up every morning, but if I didn't then mom and dad would have issues with me and I would grow farther away from my friends than I already am.
I think that's all I feel up to writing today.
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There's a lot of nothing for me to talk about, so of course I'm just going to ramble on and on until I have everything off my chest, so to speak. First off, school is crap, as usual. It's the same old routine over and over and over again. There's really not much to say... Except for the fact that my US History teacher compared every girl in the class to a prostitute, in a round about way. Oh well, no one really seemed to care. Lately, we have been watching movies in that class about things like segregation. It's both boring and interesting at the same time... if that's possible, that is. We have been reading a book that has nothing to do with mythology in my Classical Lit. class. I don't get her sometimes, but no one seems to complain about the lack of homework or anything. She is making up for it with written quizzes and journals though, not that I care. I'm just here until I get my stupid diploma and whatnot. We should be on the road tomorrow for driver's ed. so that pretty cool in my opinion. I just hope I get to drive this time...Lunch has remained the same. Ariel and Ian practically making out in front of everybody has made for some fairly awkward moments though. I learn to tune them out after a while, like I'm sure everyone else has. Because honestly, no one cares or wants to know when she makes a grab for his penis. I'm sorry, but just... no. Robin says she wasn't like that before Ian came along. They brag about having sex... he says they've done it probably about thirty times. I REALLY didn't need to know that and I hope that bit of information will be forgotten soon. That's partly why I'm worried about Sam coming up here this weekend. She doesn't hang out around the same people I do and I'm afraid she'll think that Ariel and Ian are my friends... but that's not the case. I don't talk to them and I don't like them at all. I'm only there because I am stuck like all of the sane people at that table. There are so many people in the lunch room, there honestly are no other tables to run to.
Anyways, we are learning about circles in geometry. Funfun... not. It's so easy but it's needlessly time consuming. This angers me. And in earth science, we are learning about the planets. We had to take a bunch of notes over a movie though, which was boring. But at least we don't do a whole lot in that class. After that is study hall in the colorful room. It's smelled strange today, for some reason. Like someone had left a bunch of old tacos in the sun. Maybe it was just my imagination... oh well. There's a guy that sits next to me though who reminds me of Austin. Not that he looks like him or anything, but he has gauges in his ears... Austin talked to me once about what I thought about him getting them. Not that my opinion matters to him now or anything, but I was okay with it just as long as they weren't too big. I liked his ears... Well then I went to choir and sang. We are doing a new song that makes me smile. It's called 'Double Double Toil and Trouble.' It really is a fun song to sing and we get to sound like witches. Some of the girls are scarily good at that...
The other day I scared myself. I was taking a bath and I got to thinking about everything. How everything had went so wrong so quickly. How I miss everyone I used to know and how things just suck in general. Then my mind just kinda blanked out and I stopped thinking. Well, I had my eyes closed and my head started to feel funny and my lungs started to hurt. Then it started to hurt a lot. I opened my eyes and realized that my head was completely under water, but I didn't want to get up. Once I snapped out of it, I told Austin because I got scared and he yelled at me. He does that a lot sometimes... especially when I tell him about bad stuff. He asks me what my problem is and stuff too. It scares me to know that he could be that angry at me. In time, I think he'll even grow to hate me. He told that I have changed the other day. I don't know if I have or not, but he says it's not in a good way. Like I'm pushing him away... I don't understand though. I tell him how I am feeling because I trust him, because I hope that he can make me feel better. He does that sometimes but he also hurts me... I don't even think he realizes it when he does. Damn it all, I still love him. We've just done so much stuff together and we shared so much with each other. I stood by him when his stomach hurt and he wasn't feeling well the first few times. How was I supposed to know that this last time would be different? Sometimes I wish he could feel what I felt...but then I think better of it. It would probably tear him apart. Does he realize how much he matters to me? Even now, as he's working or playing his new game, he's not thinking about me. I can almost guarantee it. And then there's me, sitting at the computer and by the phone, praying that he'll send me a message of some sort.
He tells me I can trust him, but when I go and tell him bad news he freaks out. He says that there are people worse-off than me and that I should think positively and that I don't want to be happy and I'm content with being miserable. But I'm not. I hate dreading going to sleep just to know that I'll wake up crying when I check my phone, thinking there will be a text saying 'goodnight babydoll' like it used to. I miss being called babydoll, especially by him. He just had that way of saying it that always made me smile and feel loved. And whenever he'd give me a hug or a piggyback ride. And when it was really cold, he'd pick me up bridal style and set me by the door when it was time for him to leave. He really was so nice to me. He practically would give me anything if I asked. He cared for me a lot, you could tell just by looking in his eyes sometimes. Well that's gone now. There are no hugs, no piggyback rides, no goodbye kisses, no 'babydolls'. It hurts more than anything that has ever happened to me. I think about him every day still, more than once. I'll check my phone after school and be just as hurt when I see that there aren't any missed messages.
I never thought that I'd be comparing myself to Bella from Twilight, but I see why she felt the way she did when Edward left. I didn't want to do anything for a long while. And I probably wouldn't have if he didn't text me for a little bit after the fact. Plus the fact that I have to smile for my friends and stupid people at this new school. I don't want to smile, but I don't have a choice in the matter anymore.Stupid Bella got the chance to act on her emotions and do nothing for months. In a way, I'm glad and not glad that I am not like that. I definitely didn't feel like getting up every morning, but if I didn't then mom and dad would have issues with me and I would grow farther away from my friends than I already am.
I think that's all I feel up to writing today.
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