Fail again.
Game over.
You lose.
Seriously.
I wish I could or rather that I did work better.
Maybe I can, but I feel like I try.
Well, maybe I didn't try so hard today.
Maybe I could have tried harder.
Maybe I felt it wasn't worth the effort, that it would be easier to just fucking leave.
I mean, why did we need to stay?
Maybe I should have said something, but was there an opportunity?
Maybe I just didn't want to admit it.
But damn I'm a weenie.
Not at all times and in all situations.
But a lot I guess.
I got used to the hostel.
Well, I did to Museum, but I guess I never reall got to know anyone at Victoria.
What was so different about the environment?
How did I enter the group at one place but not the other?
I spent just as much time in the common room at both.
More at Victoria since I couldn't use the internet upstairs.
And at some parties I'm fine. At others I'm not.
I wish I could blame something cool.
I mean, what I want to say is that I'm somehow emotionally sensitive and that I can sense in some places that I'm unwelcome and at others that I'm welcome.
But really it's mood and luck.
If I'm in the right mood I can befriend anyone.
If I'm not, I just want to curl into a ball and be roasted like the weenie I am.
At least then I'd be warm.
It wasn't that no one was interested, they were just all too busy to meet anyone beyond a "hi".
I understood that and wanted to be gone rather than feeling I was in the way, that's all.
And it was my only day off until Wednesday, and that's if they don't call me in.
Which who knows.
So whine.
Plus last night was long and stressful.
Maybe I should just start bitching here more.
No one reads this so I'm not bothering anyone.
But I can still pretend it's going out to someone.
So it's more useful than writing in a journal.
Somehow.
And it somehow feels less pathetic.
I don't feel like bitching about work tonight.
I'm sure tomorrow will change that.
Yayyyy.
Maybe if I had more friends it would be easier too.
But I've been told that's not possible since I'm both picky and bitchy.
True story.
But I feel like Matthew would be happier if I didn't bother him as much.
Maybe if I got a car.
Then I could leave the house and leave him alone.
And be lonely somewhere else?
Big help.
He's right though, I don't belong anywhere anymore and I won't for the rest of whatever unless I join something.
Maybe I should join something.
A club or society of some kind?
Like what?
Fuck, if I did that I'd just have found somewhere new to feel awkward.
I did join that church group and eventually fit in and befriend everyone.
I can make friends. I know.
Right, I just need perfect settings and non-losers.
But the only person today who made eyecontact with me and talked to me was that Italian lady.
And she was the only other non-club person there.
Her husband took her home. And he was in the club.
If Matthew were in the club I wouldn't have felt as awkward.
The settings will never be perfect so what I need to do is suck it up and be the half of me that I got from my mother.
The person that can meet and greet and charm anyone.
I talk to strangers all day at work.
But not all of them want to talk to me.
And when I talk to people and they have no human response the insecurity takes over and I'm back in junior high yelling at Lauren Castellvi asking her if I've grown an extra head.
GOOD HEAVEN, GET OVER IT.
Ferserious.
You lose.
Seriously.
I wish I could or rather that I did work better.
Maybe I can, but I feel like I try.
Well, maybe I didn't try so hard today.
Maybe I could have tried harder.
Maybe I felt it wasn't worth the effort, that it would be easier to just fucking leave.
I mean, why did we need to stay?
Maybe I should have said something, but was there an opportunity?
Maybe I just didn't want to admit it.
But damn I'm a weenie.
Not at all times and in all situations.
But a lot I guess.
I got used to the hostel.
Well, I did to Museum, but I guess I never reall got to know anyone at Victoria.
What was so different about the environment?
How did I enter the group at one place but not the other?
I spent just as much time in the common room at both.
More at Victoria since I couldn't use the internet upstairs.
And at some parties I'm fine. At others I'm not.
I wish I could blame something cool.
I mean, what I want to say is that I'm somehow emotionally sensitive and that I can sense in some places that I'm unwelcome and at others that I'm welcome.
But really it's mood and luck.
If I'm in the right mood I can befriend anyone.
If I'm not, I just want to curl into a ball and be roasted like the weenie I am.
At least then I'd be warm.
It wasn't that no one was interested, they were just all too busy to meet anyone beyond a "hi".
I understood that and wanted to be gone rather than feeling I was in the way, that's all.
And it was my only day off until Wednesday, and that's if they don't call me in.
Which who knows.
So whine.
Plus last night was long and stressful.
Maybe I should just start bitching here more.
No one reads this so I'm not bothering anyone.
But I can still pretend it's going out to someone.
So it's more useful than writing in a journal.
Somehow.
And it somehow feels less pathetic.
I don't feel like bitching about work tonight.
I'm sure tomorrow will change that.
Yayyyy.
Maybe if I had more friends it would be easier too.
But I've been told that's not possible since I'm both picky and bitchy.
True story.
But I feel like Matthew would be happier if I didn't bother him as much.
Maybe if I got a car.
Then I could leave the house and leave him alone.
And be lonely somewhere else?
Big help.
He's right though, I don't belong anywhere anymore and I won't for the rest of whatever unless I join something.
Maybe I should join something.
A club or society of some kind?
Like what?
Fuck, if I did that I'd just have found somewhere new to feel awkward.
I did join that church group and eventually fit in and befriend everyone.
I can make friends. I know.
Right, I just need perfect settings and non-losers.
But the only person today who made eyecontact with me and talked to me was that Italian lady.
And she was the only other non-club person there.
Her husband took her home. And he was in the club.
If Matthew were in the club I wouldn't have felt as awkward.
The settings will never be perfect so what I need to do is suck it up and be the half of me that I got from my mother.
The person that can meet and greet and charm anyone.
I talk to strangers all day at work.
But not all of them want to talk to me.
And when I talk to people and they have no human response the insecurity takes over and I'm back in junior high yelling at Lauren Castellvi asking her if I've grown an extra head.
GOOD HEAVEN, GET OVER IT.
Ferserious.