to calm my troubled heart
Paedn's farewell was today. his talk was amazing. it was about recognizing the spirit and its assistance in your everyday life. it was so beautiful. i am so greatful for his strong testimony and his desire to serve the Lord for 2 years on a mission. listening to him, along with other current events in my life have got me thinking about how i am doing about being a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places. I was told last night that i'm giving Latter-day Saints and Christians a bad name because of my "boy crazy" behavior. what? me? the thought had never occured to me that maybe he was right. it came so out of the blue like a slap in the face. i've always strived every day to be a shining example of what i believe. so that others, just through knowing me, would be able to feel my love of Christ and want to come to know him as I have. I thought just keeping his commandments and knowing for myself was enough. I thought everyone could see. but it seems some people only know the part of me that i talk about. is it a sin to talk about boys? no. of course it isnt. but its a shame when you realize thats all people know about you, when you realize you havn't lived up to your potential as a witness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. brother crosby said today "its our thoughts that make up who we are". but what you talk about with others, what you let them see, that makes up who others think you are. While boys may not be all i think about, that is the impression i suppose i give other people. no, i havn't done anything terribly wrong. but i guess i just havnt done enough right. I am not ashamed of what i believe no matter what you might think, jon, and i never thought other people thought that i was. I figgured they knew that if i was sticking strong to my standards in a crazy world like this especially in highschool, that they would know that apparently my love for God and his son Jesus Christ runs deep. today while michaun, rachel, and i were singing in sacrament meeting, it hit me so strong that i was singing my testimony to that congregation. "i know that my redeemer lives!... He lives to comfort me when faint, He lives to hear my soul’s complaint. He lives to silence all my fears, He lives to wipe away my tears, He lives to calm my troubled heart, He lives all blessings to impart. He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend, He lives and loves me to the end; He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing: He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King" when i sang those words my heart burned within my chest. I know He lives. I know He loves me. I know He has a purpose for me in this life. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know he hears and answers my prayers. and I know that i can be the means of bringing much good unto this generation. I hope that maybe through me, others can come to know Christ. I want to help people. I want to teach people.Thats why i'm going to be a motivational speaker. thats why i'm going to write books for fallen teenagers someday. and that is probably part of why my relationships are so important to me. i believe that every thing that happens is for a reason, and every person in my life is put there for a specific purpose. I'm told that my relationship with paedn helped inspire him to be better and serve a mission. If i can have that effect on one person, maybe i can help him too. his life is so screwed up right now. He's so vulnerable. for all i know, i could be the only possitive influence in his life. Now when times are hard, i'm trying to be a pillar of strength for him. I think God put him in my life. so that we can push eachother and help eachother to grow. thats why this one means so much to me. i feel we're supposed to be there for eachother right now. we need eachother. and its not about being boy crazy, about being obsessed with companionship. its about recognizing the hand of God and trying to follow his plan for me. why don't you think about that next time you judge me.