(no subject)
first the exciting news: i got accepted to the telluride film festival student symposium! they take 50 students, who attend tons of screenings and discussions with filmmakers. 5 days of cinematic bliss. and i thought my summer couldn't get any better. anyway.
i don't know how to describe shanghai. i don't know how to formulate my feelings about it here in a livejournal update. but i'll try.
being a waiguo ren (a slightly deragatory name for foreigner) is really hard, especially since there's no way for me to pass as chinese. everywhere i go, people stare at me. i am so noticeable. and because of my face, people try to cheat me, try to sell me things, take advantage of me, doubt my knowledge of the language, and patronize me. i feel like no one can see me as something other than a rich, ignorant american. almost everyone i have met has been very nice, but even when they compliment me on my chinese, two seconds later they turn around and laugh at my lack of understanding. news flash: i know enough chinese to know when you're making fun of me. and other americans have become just as obvious to me. every time i see someone who's not chinese, i immediately single them out, not unlike when i see a male on the wellesley campus. i guess now i know how they feel, but at least they can speak the language. kind of.
living in china is harder than i thought it would be. granted, i am living in a hotel on a college campus with other english speakers, but i still feel isolated. part of our homework assignments are to interview chinese students in chinese, which is hard for me just because i'm awful at starting and maintaining conversations with strangers anyway. doing it in chinese just makes it infinitely more intimidating and stressful. you try asking someone to explain in chinese what the chinese word for "geology" is. and when i don't understand what the heck they're saying, all i can do is nod, or look at my partner awkwardly.
and then there's bargaining, something that really bothers me. not only is it really irritating to basically have to name your own price, but it's insulting when people cheat me out of my money. just tell me the price already. needless to say, i don't know how to bargain, but it seems to me that there are secret rules as to when and where one bargains, and on for what you are bargaining. it's so confusing.
and then there's the language itself. talk about confusing! there are so many different words for one thing, and sentence orders, and characters and tones to remember. trying to squeeze one semester of chinese into 18 days of class makes it a little challenging to actually remember anything. and once i do an immersion exercise, i don't know how to think anymore. though one cool side effect of this is that we all start conversing in chinglish, like "which canting (dining hall) do you want to eat at?" or "my pencil zai nali?" (where is my pencil?) remember those interviews? to interview is caifang, so we walk around saying, 'should we caifang him? we could caifang her. i don't want to caifang.' it sounds like a dirty word.
all this is not to say i am not having a good time. i love it here. the difficulty will pay off, i know that. but it is so frustrating be simultaneosly stared at and overlooked. it's like trying to claw you way to the top of a ladder with missing rungs. sometimes the step up is easy and someone helps you along, but when four or five rungs are missing, you just dangle helplessly for awhile until you get the muscle to pull yourself up.
i'm happy, i'm frustrated, i'm tired, and i miss salad and hummus.
i don't know how to describe shanghai. i don't know how to formulate my feelings about it here in a livejournal update. but i'll try.
being a waiguo ren (a slightly deragatory name for foreigner) is really hard, especially since there's no way for me to pass as chinese. everywhere i go, people stare at me. i am so noticeable. and because of my face, people try to cheat me, try to sell me things, take advantage of me, doubt my knowledge of the language, and patronize me. i feel like no one can see me as something other than a rich, ignorant american. almost everyone i have met has been very nice, but even when they compliment me on my chinese, two seconds later they turn around and laugh at my lack of understanding. news flash: i know enough chinese to know when you're making fun of me. and other americans have become just as obvious to me. every time i see someone who's not chinese, i immediately single them out, not unlike when i see a male on the wellesley campus. i guess now i know how they feel, but at least they can speak the language. kind of.
living in china is harder than i thought it would be. granted, i am living in a hotel on a college campus with other english speakers, but i still feel isolated. part of our homework assignments are to interview chinese students in chinese, which is hard for me just because i'm awful at starting and maintaining conversations with strangers anyway. doing it in chinese just makes it infinitely more intimidating and stressful. you try asking someone to explain in chinese what the chinese word for "geology" is. and when i don't understand what the heck they're saying, all i can do is nod, or look at my partner awkwardly.
and then there's bargaining, something that really bothers me. not only is it really irritating to basically have to name your own price, but it's insulting when people cheat me out of my money. just tell me the price already. needless to say, i don't know how to bargain, but it seems to me that there are secret rules as to when and where one bargains, and on for what you are bargaining. it's so confusing.
and then there's the language itself. talk about confusing! there are so many different words for one thing, and sentence orders, and characters and tones to remember. trying to squeeze one semester of chinese into 18 days of class makes it a little challenging to actually remember anything. and once i do an immersion exercise, i don't know how to think anymore. though one cool side effect of this is that we all start conversing in chinglish, like "which canting (dining hall) do you want to eat at?" or "my pencil zai nali?" (where is my pencil?) remember those interviews? to interview is caifang, so we walk around saying, 'should we caifang him? we could caifang her. i don't want to caifang.' it sounds like a dirty word.
all this is not to say i am not having a good time. i love it here. the difficulty will pay off, i know that. but it is so frustrating be simultaneosly stared at and overlooked. it's like trying to claw you way to the top of a ladder with missing rungs. sometimes the step up is easy and someone helps you along, but when four or five rungs are missing, you just dangle helplessly for awhile until you get the muscle to pull yourself up.
i'm happy, i'm frustrated, i'm tired, and i miss salad and hummus.