(no subject)
I just got back from a long walk with my dog. I met this girl called Noel and we had a really long
walk/talk about lifeetc.
It's strange but synchronicities in life are the only things that really give me real hope these days -
I seem to always meet/attract certain people, and because of my damn depression some days, I dont always follow up.
Spoke to Anita, who has been working at the local pet store about going out some time - we have become aqyuaintances over time...did I follow up? No...hopefully I will though - it's always my loss when I don't..had a nice phonecall today from Florence - some lady I met on the bus who is a psychic aswell.
I have this strange habit of meeting a long list of interesting people, but like Noel and I were discussing tonight, the older you get, the shorter people seem to stick around - and I mused too that because of the instantaneous nature of the net communication has become cheaper, and taken for granted.
In the olden days people would walk for miles to get a letter from their loved ones and I am too lazy/depressed to really follow up and email or a bid for friendship? Huh?
I am being a bit self deprecating because I always feel badly that I push people away when they make nice overtures - but it's actually just to test them - because mostly, I have found some people pretend to think they can handle what I go through - can be my friend - but really cannot. So I tend to size some people up, mostly prematurely, and assume they wouldn't/couldn't want to deal with me.
I clearly cannot go around with this attitude in life, but since I feel so inconsequential compared to what society has set everyone up to be (* useful ) and I obviously don't feel I have alot of offer people.
What irritates me is when someone says ' You have had such an interesting life - tell me about it' - when I need to hear about what they go through, so that I can experience normality from their perspective. I don't like being put on a pedestal. I really would love to know what it would be like to feel settled - to know your best friend for longer than 5 years - without you or them moving - just to feel a little bit of mundanity once in a while.
My life is such a bloody drama I feel it always eclipses more important aspects of other people's lives - and I just wish for once,to be less harsh on myself and to be able to just enjoy what I have, my experiences, and enjoy the minutae instead of huge cataclysmic tidal onslaughts.
Having lived on three continents sets one up for a feeling of being 'set apart' from the 'rest' of the normal folks, who have happily settled and enjoyed their lives. You never feel part of 'anything'.
I am constantly churning, moving and resettling myself, but I never feel the peace of mere simplicity. I know this is something I have to create in my mind, but I want to get away from the concept of conscience alltogether, and to be somewhat more unconscious for a change. But as fate has it, I am stuck with the life where I have endless time to just THINK - even when I just want to get out and frigging DO SOMETHING.
As can be noted, I am having a pretty intensely bad week. I have been working very hard, and having alot of pain, and just going from one project/client to the other. I have learnt to prioritise them a bit more - as last weeks experience of being ripped off *AGAIN* kind of reshifted my thinking back to - let them wait a bit 'attitude'. I cannot always be there for my clients AND be ripped off. That goes without thinking.
Thanks to Nick for phoning and checking in to see how I was doing. Obviuosly I have not entered too much into my journal, but not because I am sick, but just super busy, and fed up. :)xoxo
Loads of other intense crappy stresses. Missing Gabriel loads - and now starting to realise I cannot allow him back into my life. Even if he has made major improvements. I so wish it could have worked out between us, it feels like our friendship is so so important, and not having him around, would be like going without food. My friends are my sustainance.
Rant over.
walk/talk about lifeetc.
It's strange but synchronicities in life are the only things that really give me real hope these days -
I seem to always meet/attract certain people, and because of my damn depression some days, I dont always follow up.
Spoke to Anita, who has been working at the local pet store about going out some time - we have become aqyuaintances over time...did I follow up? No...hopefully I will though - it's always my loss when I don't..had a nice phonecall today from Florence - some lady I met on the bus who is a psychic aswell.
I have this strange habit of meeting a long list of interesting people, but like Noel and I were discussing tonight, the older you get, the shorter people seem to stick around - and I mused too that because of the instantaneous nature of the net communication has become cheaper, and taken for granted.
In the olden days people would walk for miles to get a letter from their loved ones and I am too lazy/depressed to really follow up and email or a bid for friendship? Huh?
I am being a bit self deprecating because I always feel badly that I push people away when they make nice overtures - but it's actually just to test them - because mostly, I have found some people pretend to think they can handle what I go through - can be my friend - but really cannot. So I tend to size some people up, mostly prematurely, and assume they wouldn't/couldn't want to deal with me.
I clearly cannot go around with this attitude in life, but since I feel so inconsequential compared to what society has set everyone up to be (* useful ) and I obviously don't feel I have alot of offer people.
What irritates me is when someone says ' You have had such an interesting life - tell me about it' - when I need to hear about what they go through, so that I can experience normality from their perspective. I don't like being put on a pedestal. I really would love to know what it would be like to feel settled - to know your best friend for longer than 5 years - without you or them moving - just to feel a little bit of mundanity once in a while.
My life is such a bloody drama I feel it always eclipses more important aspects of other people's lives - and I just wish for once,to be less harsh on myself and to be able to just enjoy what I have, my experiences, and enjoy the minutae instead of huge cataclysmic tidal onslaughts.
Having lived on three continents sets one up for a feeling of being 'set apart' from the 'rest' of the normal folks, who have happily settled and enjoyed their lives. You never feel part of 'anything'.
I am constantly churning, moving and resettling myself, but I never feel the peace of mere simplicity. I know this is something I have to create in my mind, but I want to get away from the concept of conscience alltogether, and to be somewhat more unconscious for a change. But as fate has it, I am stuck with the life where I have endless time to just THINK - even when I just want to get out and frigging DO SOMETHING.
As can be noted, I am having a pretty intensely bad week. I have been working very hard, and having alot of pain, and just going from one project/client to the other. I have learnt to prioritise them a bit more - as last weeks experience of being ripped off *AGAIN* kind of reshifted my thinking back to - let them wait a bit 'attitude'. I cannot always be there for my clients AND be ripped off. That goes without thinking.
Thanks to Nick for phoning and checking in to see how I was doing. Obviuosly I have not entered too much into my journal, but not because I am sick, but just super busy, and fed up. :)xoxo
Loads of other intense crappy stresses. Missing Gabriel loads - and now starting to realise I cannot allow him back into my life. Even if he has made major improvements. I so wish it could have worked out between us, it feels like our friendship is so so important, and not having him around, would be like going without food. My friends are my sustainance.
Rant over.