(no subject)
Did anyone see the news yesterday? About Global warming? And do any of these pathetic greedy humans have any idea what will happen when the ice caps melt?
I absolutely love ice. I love desert scenes and barren landscapes, because of the clear graphic lines, and
the colours and shadows evoked. I have played with penguins in the cold atlantic, and I dream of going north and seeing the ice shelves and the glaciers and the different coloured snow....but all this beauty is disappearing...all of it.
I used to worry about this so much as a kid when I lived in Germany, the acid rain was killing our trees 20 years ago. We could see it then. I used to have nightmares ( now I don't dream as much. ) Germans are really eco-conscious. And partly this is the reason, I have always said, I didn't want to bring children into this world. I have suffered so much watching it die.
I am just going a little nutty this month. My mood has been pretty good, but this week hearing about the loss of my treatment options has really put me on a spin. My only hope - gone. For now. I have to move east. It's like everything I have experienced here is getting worse- the energy will push me further away. I have to admit, I made the biggest mistake of my life coming out to the west coast. I was so happy in Toronto - my carreer was good, I had friends, my health. The moment I stepped onto BC soil, things just failed. Gabriel was one good thing that came of this. Ulitmately, a big mistake. Maybe there is some cosmic goodness to this that I will appreciate one day - but I don't understand why this is so.
I often throughout the day have moments when I sink into reality, and I find myself extremely aware of everything around me, as if everything were in a dream, and I am not sure if I am alive or not. It's kind of a bizarre overlap of feeling hyper aware of being alive, and dreading obliteration at the next moment. I consider myself very spiritual, but I still am so afraid of obliteration. My rational mind cannot comprehend this. I remember when I was 6 my first moment that terrified me on an existential level was when I woke up to realise that infinity was just that - infinite...and this thought in it's self was petrifying. I don't know why. Maybe some people would be comforted by the notion that life and the cosmos goes on for ever - but my mind wants to divide the spaces up. Box into box. For ever and ever.
I absolutely love ice. I love desert scenes and barren landscapes, because of the clear graphic lines, and
the colours and shadows evoked. I have played with penguins in the cold atlantic, and I dream of going north and seeing the ice shelves and the glaciers and the different coloured snow....but all this beauty is disappearing...all of it.
I used to worry about this so much as a kid when I lived in Germany, the acid rain was killing our trees 20 years ago. We could see it then. I used to have nightmares ( now I don't dream as much. ) Germans are really eco-conscious. And partly this is the reason, I have always said, I didn't want to bring children into this world. I have suffered so much watching it die.
I am just going a little nutty this month. My mood has been pretty good, but this week hearing about the loss of my treatment options has really put me on a spin. My only hope - gone. For now. I have to move east. It's like everything I have experienced here is getting worse- the energy will push me further away. I have to admit, I made the biggest mistake of my life coming out to the west coast. I was so happy in Toronto - my carreer was good, I had friends, my health. The moment I stepped onto BC soil, things just failed. Gabriel was one good thing that came of this. Ulitmately, a big mistake. Maybe there is some cosmic goodness to this that I will appreciate one day - but I don't understand why this is so.
I often throughout the day have moments when I sink into reality, and I find myself extremely aware of everything around me, as if everything were in a dream, and I am not sure if I am alive or not. It's kind of a bizarre overlap of feeling hyper aware of being alive, and dreading obliteration at the next moment. I consider myself very spiritual, but I still am so afraid of obliteration. My rational mind cannot comprehend this. I remember when I was 6 my first moment that terrified me on an existential level was when I woke up to realise that infinity was just that - infinite...and this thought in it's self was petrifying. I don't know why. Maybe some people would be comforted by the notion that life and the cosmos goes on for ever - but my mind wants to divide the spaces up. Box into box. For ever and ever.