(no subject)
Hooray for a new day? Yea... Yesterday I had a pretty big party... and I'm so embarassed about it... I'm having the *pity* party of the century, and I know it, and I just don't know how to fix it. I still sit around longing for something that I often resented when it was mine. It's actually kinda funny.
Some might say it's just that she has someone else already, and that would be partly true. But I think it more has to do with the fact that I don't have that comfort zone anymore. Maybe I just don't want to wait for new love. Maybe I don't want another love, knowing that even if I love again, I'll always hurt from this one. Or maybe I just don't want to have to start from scratch because love and relationships are hard work. I don't know. I guess I just wonder if my intentions are for the best. Am I just lonely, or was she really the one for me. My brothers would likely say she wasn't the one, but I really was very happy with her. It was just a long time ago. Maybe the question is, should I be fighting for something I haven't even seen in such a long time? I mean, we had a powerful relationship... 2 years ago... And even then, we almost broke up 6 months after we started dating.
Last night I had a bit of a rough night, but today I'm feeling a little more clear. I guess the sleep did me good. I thought about staying up all night doing accounting, but instead, I slept and started my homework this morning. It's weird though. I can't sleep at all. I went to bed at around 12, and woke up at 6:40... by myself... I wake up really early these days. I don't think I've slept for more than a few hours at a time lately. And when I wake up, my heart is racing and my eyes are bulging. It's ackward, it's uncomfortable and I'm tired of it. I'm going out today with a good attitude, I promise, but I do need to record these feelings of angst. When I look back, I'll be glad I moved on and laugh that I was so bent out of shape over this whole thing. But I do love her with all my heart, and if she'd take me back, I'd say yes. So who knows what the future holds, maybe I'll be with her again some day... I don't know... Today though, is a new day...
Some might say it's just that she has someone else already, and that would be partly true. But I think it more has to do with the fact that I don't have that comfort zone anymore. Maybe I just don't want to wait for new love. Maybe I don't want another love, knowing that even if I love again, I'll always hurt from this one. Or maybe I just don't want to have to start from scratch because love and relationships are hard work. I don't know. I guess I just wonder if my intentions are for the best. Am I just lonely, or was she really the one for me. My brothers would likely say she wasn't the one, but I really was very happy with her. It was just a long time ago. Maybe the question is, should I be fighting for something I haven't even seen in such a long time? I mean, we had a powerful relationship... 2 years ago... And even then, we almost broke up 6 months after we started dating.
Last night I had a bit of a rough night, but today I'm feeling a little more clear. I guess the sleep did me good. I thought about staying up all night doing accounting, but instead, I slept and started my homework this morning. It's weird though. I can't sleep at all. I went to bed at around 12, and woke up at 6:40... by myself... I wake up really early these days. I don't think I've slept for more than a few hours at a time lately. And when I wake up, my heart is racing and my eyes are bulging. It's ackward, it's uncomfortable and I'm tired of it. I'm going out today with a good attitude, I promise, but I do need to record these feelings of angst. When I look back, I'll be glad I moved on and laugh that I was so bent out of shape over this whole thing. But I do love her with all my heart, and if she'd take me back, I'd say yes. So who knows what the future holds, maybe I'll be with her again some day... I don't know... Today though, is a new day...